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5:30 a.m. - 2000-10-22

HELL IS AWESOME, DUDE!!

Soooo...last night I had to do an interview with a guy for some freelance work I've recently taken on.

I was told to meet the guy at the "Judgment House" here in town.

Maybe you have a Judgment House in your town too. I seriously doubt it, because I live in the buckle of the Bible Belt and I doubt this stuff goes much further than Alabama.

A Judgment House is a lot like a Haunted House at Halloween, except it "scares" kids into accepting Jesus into their lives.

Uh huh. That's what I said.

The Judgment House in my city has been around for several years and is the ONLY Halloween attraction that makes any money around here. The Jaycees used to put on a pretty creepy haunted house years ago ... but they got bad publicity while the Judgment House got all the good publicity, so all the kids started flocking to the Judgment House.

...And ... subsequently...walked out bored out of their minds.

ANYWAY...this guy that I was interviewing was one of the big wigs with the Judgment House and he was working security there for the attraction. I interviewed him about something completely different from the Judgment House and then afterwards asked if I could take some pics of the House for the newspaper.

He says "Better yet...why don't you go on a tour of the House?"

Sure. I had some time to kill. Toss me in there...lemme be scared out of my wits.

Ummmmm...ahem.

This "House" was even lamer than I expected. It basically follows the life of one guy who robs a convenience store, shoots a kid in the process (ooooooo...terrifying...)and then he gets sent to prison, goes to the electric chair, gets rejected by God and sent into Hell.

...I had no idea God rejected people from Heaven. My God is a forgiving God. The God in Judgment House is a spiteful one.

Soooo...the thing was about as scary as a Sports Illustrated until we got to Hell.

Hell was dark and cramped.

Hell was HOT (I later found out, they had the heat jacked WAYYYY up in Hell)

And the devil stood high above us and screamed how he now owned all our souls.

Then the walls started to squeeze us out of Hell and into Heaven.

....Where "God" told us why Heaven's better than Hell for anyone that may not have been paying attention for the past twenty minutes.

THEN....okay ... I'm a good Christian boy ... but this last bit kinda left me unnerved.

A youth minister spoke to the kids in the last room. He asked that everyone shut their eyes and pray with him.

Okay...cool.

He does this long prayer that I couldn't hear because I was pretty far away from him. He then asks "If that was the first time you've ever said that prayer, raise your hand".

...This is while everyone still has their eyes closed.

...Except me. Y'see...I'm videotaping the whole thing....

Two people raise their hands, teenage boy and girl.

INSTANTLY, these other people come running up to the boy and girl and start pulling them into a room to minister to them NOW!!

The boy refused.

The girl walked away without a word into a back room where they were going to FORCE her to accept Jesus NOW!!!!!

I've got a real problem with that.

Through most of my adult life, I've been....ummmmm...on the fence about God and Heaven and that jazz.

I would wonder..."If there is a God...why is there starvation?"

Stuff like that.

This year...after being blessed by so many different occurances in my life, I've decided that there MUST be a God who takes care of us all.

I know I'm forgiven for my past sins. I know I'm forgiven every day for my current sins. And I now know that prayer works and I pray every day.

BUT....I learned this all on my own accord.

What I'm trying to say is...if people are going to "find" religion, they're going to find it at their own pace when they WANT to find it.

Nothing repulses me more than someone forcing something down my throat. And in this city...it seems religion is one of those things that people REALLY think everyone needs. Kinda like a gun rack in a pick up truck...YA GOTTA HAVE IT, BUBBA.

Anyway...the sight of that young girl being led away by youth ministers as her friends stood there with their eyes closed really bothered me.

Who's going to find religion in an abandoned warehouse??

I dunno.

....But Hell was awesome, dude! I kinda think Hell defeated the whole purpose of the House because that was the only fun part of the tour.

I saw kids lining back up to go through again...paying two bucks....just to walk through Hell again.

...Is that the message they're trying to send??

*******************************************

I was on someone's diary last night that had a banner that said "End Homophobia".

I'm not homophobic. I don't have a lot of gay friends (that have let me know they're gay anyway), but if I like you as a pal and you happen to be gay, I don't have a problem with you.

Still...for some reason...last night the banner struck me as funny.

I wanna banner that says "Support Homophobia!"

You know..."Run the other way when a gay person approaches you!!"

GAY GUY: "Hello."

ME: (Running away waving my hands in the air) "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"

Okay. Maybe it's not as funny as I thought it was last night.

Maybe it's because I think homophobia is stupid.

People...there's no need to hate or be scared of gay people. The absolute WORST thing they can do is offer you a night of sex that you don't really want and then you'll have to politely decline, hurting their feelings while inflating your ego.

And if you've ever been in a bar at closing time, you've probably already stared that worst fear in the face many times with the horny drunks who've struck out all night.

GAY PEOPLE ARE AWESOME, DUDE!!!

...Should I just shut up now while I'm ahead?

******************************************

My mother-in-law and sorry ass brother-in-law came over yesterday and I still don't know why.

I think they just really want to suck in the fact that Susie's pregnant and they've basically ignored her the last nine months and are now trying to make up for it in the waning days of her pregnancy.

They're both heavy smokers so they just reek of tobacco when they come over. We literally have to open the windows after they leave each time because of the stench.

I'm sorry if I offended any smokers with that comment.

END SMOKERPHOBIA!!!

Anyway...they both fell asleep over here. Susie's mom fell asleep first in my recliner (I'm having it fumigated tomorrow) and then later, her brother passed out on the couch for two hours.

So we're having to tippy toe around them while they're snoring away, trying to get the house in order before she has this baby.

They have a home. Why they want to crash at our place while we're desperately trying to clean is beyond me.

I could go on for days about my distaste for these two STRAIGHT people ... but I won't.

Hey...wait a second...neither of them have had a date since the 80s ... and THEN those dates were just one-time things....could my in laws be gay??

Doubtful. They're so disgusting that nobody wants them ... straight or gay.

******************************

Oh yeah...hey...thanks for all the Christmas songs input on the Message Board yesterday. I downloaded all the songs I could find from y'all's suggestions...including the entire "Christmas With The Vandals" CD that Zenboy suggested. The selections from that album include "A Gun For Christmas" and "Grandpa's Last Christmas".

I'm STILL giggling.

AND... a special shout out to all those that emailed me with your thoughts on "Induced Labor". Thanks for your stories and feelings on the subject. As of now, Susie's going to call her doctor tomorrow and tell him to shove that induced labor shit straight up his fucking ass.

...Or something like that.

Thanks Tigger, you merry prankster, you.

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