DRUNK OBNOXIOUS BASTARDS AND JAMES HETFIELD

At lunch today, Edweird and I went to this trendy little cafe place that I absolutely hate but he enjoys, so we went because I didn't want him kicking my ass, even though I feel pretty confident I could kick his ass worse.

Anyway...we sit down and this guy sits down at the table next to us.

This guy's an acquaintance of mine. Here's our history:

* I followed him and three other people to a football game an hour away from here once. The entire time, he was driving over 90 mph and since I wasn't sure how to get where he was going, I too had to drive over 90 mph to keep up with him in order to get there. When we got there, I was pissed beyond belief, but since this was the first time meeting him (my buddy had rode with him in his car and introduced us minutes before the race), I held back on kicking his ass Edweird-style.

* He ate all the tailgate food I had prepared for our tailgate party and even offered some to strangers when we didn't even have enough for ourselves because "that's what you do".

Apparently, that's what you do when you didn't prepare anything your own damned self and just want to share other people's food.

* I saw him at a party at afore-mentioned friend's house a year later. The guy kept hitting me up for a joint, which I tried to tell him I didn't have. He was loud, drunk and boisterous and kept saying "C'mon Uncle Bob!! I know YOU'VE got a JOINT!" in front of everyone. I was uncomfortable beyond words. Mainly because I was stoned and paranoid.

So those are the two times I've seen the guy. Ah hour ago, I was facing him from a table away at lunch.

I didn't acknowledge his presence. It was tough to do that since he was practically staring at me from three feet away, so I had to find a zillion and one things to stare at other than him.

I could tell he kept wanting to say "hello" to me, but I also knew if I did get a conversation started between us, he would be loud, boisterous, and probably offer my lunch to passing strangers.

So I didn't say hi.

I just thought maybe you guys needed to know that about me.

That's what I'm all about...breaking down the walls of pretensions.

Yeah whatever.

I think the guy's an ass whore, that's what I think.

A big old ass whore.

Go whore that ass, big old ass whore guy.

Tell all the other ass whores I said hello.

Jermaine and Randy Jackson, brothers to Superstar Michael Jackson are trying to get out of an all-star tribute to their brother because they were under the impression this was a Jackson 5 reunion and not a tribute to Mikey.

"While it would be a great honor to take the stage again with all our brothers, we know that our fans -- who were originally told this would be a Jackson Five reunion concert -- were looking forward to us performing our greatest hits together without the assistance of any other act," the brothers have said.

My question....

....These guys STILL have fans?!?

And George Harrison is denying reports that he's knocking on death's door.

Rumors have been rampant (Hell, I heard it on the Today show this morning) that Harrison has been telling his friends he doesn't have long to live after having more cancer than any human being should have to deal with.

Now Harrison has issued a statement saying that he never told anybody he was about to die.

Which is probably the right thing to do. Because if you WERE telling people you were about to die...and then DIDN'T die...man...talk about embarrassing. Every time you saw those people they'd be all like "I thought you were dying" and you'd be all like "Yeah well...that's what I thought too. I guess I can't even die right." And then I bet they'd probably try to smack you or something, just so you'd at least have SOME pain in your life.

Anyway ... it's good George is going to live. Lord knows we need George Harrison to stay around a while longer and entertain us with that big treasure trove of nothing that he's entertained us with for the last several decades.

And finally ... from the "YOU'RE KIDDING ME!!" files...lead screamer from Metallica James Hetfield has admitted himself to an undisclosed rehab center for alcoholism and "other addictions".

I'm curious as to what the "other addictions" might be...

An addiction to the Super Nintendo version of "Wheel of Fortune"?

An addiction to laxatives?

An addiction to searching the web for nude photos of Esther "Good Times" Rolle?

An addiction to calling his mother every Sunday?

Sadly...I doubt we'll ever find out the truth. They'll probably eventually say something stupid like "an addiction to crack" and expect everyone to believe it.

Godspeed to ya James. Hope you get better soon.

Then again...you probably have to stay drunk as shit in order to deal with that ungrateful little whiny munchkin fucker Lars Ulrich.

When you get out, I'll take ya out for a case of beer.

Just me and you Jimmy.

You metal loving hippie freak, you.