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17:26:29 - 2000-02-24

THIS CAN BE AN OFFENSIVE DIARY. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED AND ARE EXPECTED TO ACT LIKE ADULTS WHILE READING IT. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM TOUCHING OR EXPOSING YOURSELF WHILE READING THIS DIARY. THE EXITS AND PASSAGEWAYS ARE DESIGNATED BY THE ILLUMINATED EMERGENCY EXIT SIGNS VISIBLE TO YOU AT EITHER THE RIGHT (<---) OR LEFT (--->)OF THE BUILDING HAVE BEEN CHECKED AND ARE CLEAR EXITS IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND ATTENTION.

NEXT STOP...HOLLYWOOD!!

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, bruthahs 'n' sistahs. It's the U-Dog here, His Stone Cold Baadness, The Original Muthafukkin' Gangsta, The Mack Daddy Pimp, The Freaky Gangbanga. And I got somethin' to say to ALLL y'all bitches out there:

Ah'm go' be a star, baybee.

That's right ... ol' Uncle Bob filmed yet ANOTHER commercial today.

*HO-HUM*

(Bob yawns, stares at his fingernails, breathes on them and then shines them on his shirt collar).

Actually...it's yet another commercial that will probably never see the light of day. I've filmed SHITLOADS of those.

Anyway, it's a commercial for the newspaper, and they shot me talking to someone off camera. My voice won't be used, they'll be using a voiceover.

And ... for you trivia buffs...the "person" I'm talking to off camera is actually my file cabinet. I was just screwing around with the cameraman who wanted me to sit at my desk and act like I was working.

I decided I would instead do a profile shot of me talking to that "someone" off camera.

So I basically sat and begged my file cabinet for a raise for three minutes while this guy filmed it.

I made sure my face ran the emotional gamut. I went from happy to concerned to generous to excited and back again over and over.

I am SUCH a ham.

Actually the camera loves me. For me, it shaves off ten pounds, 'cos we have a relationship, me and the TV camera.

I know how to make love to the camera with my eyes.

Actually, I have no fucking clue what that's supposed to mean. It just sounded ignorant in my head and looked even more ignorant in print.

Just...don't take me seriously on this shit. So many people think "He's such an egotistical asshole."

I'm really not. I just play one in Diaryland.

************

Went to my FAVORITE pizza place with Mattie Gee today...Tomatino's. Their crust is made daily and it's run by all these hippies who are just so mellow and laid back. I have no idea what they put on that pizza but I eat a shitload of it and then I'm mellow and laid back the rest of the day.

*************

The results from the ADDYS are in...that's some awards banquet that awards advertising in newspapers.

Apparently, I was entered in there for writing some business profile last year. I didn't even remember writing it.

And...of course...it lost to some other stupid fucking ad.

Well...well...I bet whoever won that award DOESN'T HAVE A DIARY HERE THAT GETS 100 HITS A DAY!!!

...the nerve....the fucking NERVE...

I'VE NEVER won an Addy. Jesus Christ on toast ... is it asking too much for ONE FUCKING AWARD to put on my mantle?

Just one?

A little one?

Maybe if somebody dies, you can gimme their old one, perhaps?

Maybe?

Just one.

************************

A man walks into a bar. Fuck ...I bet THAT hurt ...

************************

Sorry...I love that joke...

************************

Thanks a lot Bob...you just ruined every sexual fantasy I've ever had...

If ya wanna check out my other website, updated daily with a REAL diary PLUS my diary this day in 1980 , click here

Tell me how you wish we could experience the passions of cybersex right here, right now, tonight and forever. Or tell me I suck. Totally up to you.

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