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09:14:53 - 2000-06-06

ADMISSIONS FROM A FORMER CHAT ROOM JUNKIE

'Elo kiddies....

I got me an email yesterday.

Yep ...yep yep yep yep.

(My cyber impression of Al from "Happy Days". It needs work though. Thankyewverymuch)

The email came from Malkavia who writes:

"Hi there guys. Im working on putting together a webpage with a listing of diarylander's info. Such as your Yahoo Messenger IDs, AOL Instant Messenger Screen Names, and ICQ #'s. And maybe even links to websites you have

besides your diaryland site. If you're interested, please drop me a note with your information and your diaryland name to malkavia@diaryland.com and I'll put this together. I don't know if there's a way to reach all of the

diarylanders at once.. So Im sending this to as many as I can think of in hopes that you guys will spread the word to those I missed. "

Did she miss you???

Well...that may be because she doesn't LOVE you.

Uh huh.

She's reeeeal picky about those she adores.

Anyway...Malkie, babe...I ain't got any of them.

Oh. I USED to have them all. In fact, at one time, I was THE KING of chatting online.

Yep. THE KING, BABY.

(Bob throws his crown up in the air and catches it with the top of his head perfectly and just grins like an idiot)

Well...okay...maybe NOT the King. In fact, if I ventured out of my chat room home I was barely shit.

My chatroom home was on the Efnet network and the channel was #27.5+. I wandered in there in 1996 and stayed around til ... damn...I don't remember the last time I was in there.

I was OBSESSED with that 27.5+ channel. I made some great friends in there and had a lot of good times.

....And consequently...it almost destroyed my marriage.

That's one recurring theme you find amongst chat room people. Most are either in unhealthy relationships or no relationships at all.

....It's because they're TOO ADDICTED to the chat rooms.

I'm sure of it. I'm no Internet psychologist, but I'm the next best thing. An ignorant blowhard with too many opinions that he just can't keep to himself.

I would log in at 5 a.m., PRAYING somebody else would be in there to keep me company while the wife laid naked in bed.

I'd come home at lunch and run immediately for mIRC to see if any of my buddies were in while my wife cooked me lunch naked.

I'd flirt like it was nobody's business while my wife masturbated on the desk in front of me. Men, women, it didn't matter. I would always say that I'm only bisexual on IRC ... because I was constantly flirting.

And they would flirt back.

And then my overactive imagination would create a scenario that if I could just get away from my wife, I'd have allll these women.

Then again...I'm not a jet-setter. And unfortunately ... allll these women lived allll over the country, making it near impossible for me to sex them all.

The most fun I ever had (besides cybersex...and trust me...that got old REAL quick...maybe I should have picked different partners...)was one Friday night about midnight, the chat channel was full of regulars.

I changed my nickname to "GregBrady".

Someone else changed their name to "Marcia".

The rest soon followed. We even had "Sam" the butcher.

Then we had a Brady Bunch cyber orgy.

Greg was cornholing Peter while watching Bobby and Cindy go at it....those types of things.

It sounds pretty sick years later...but at the time, it was funny as hell and probably the best memory I have of those days.

But...like all chat channels...all the cool people eventually left, leaving me alone with a buncha male computer geeks who wanted to talk megabytes rather than dry hump Cindy Brady.

That's the guys who would talk. Most of the channel dwellers just logged in and sat there or went to work without ever saying a word.

Why the hell do you log into a chat room and not chat?? I can understand the voyeristic approach to such an act, but c'mon....WE SEE YOU, DUDE. Speak up.

So my four hours a day spent in the channel dwindled down to zero hours a day rather quickly.

Now...with my new computer...I haven't even DOWNLOADED IRC yet.

And God...ICQ ....

I got rid of my ICQ in 1998.

Mainly because every time I used it, I got horny as hell. It was something about seeing the words typed as I read them...and the instant response from someone right there that blew my mind.

It was almost like that person was right there with you.

Stroking your monkey for you....

Kissing your neck for you....

Anyway...I really only used ICQ with a handful of people, but the results were always the same...eventually I would work my way around to asking what they were wearing and letting it take off from there.

Yes...Uncle Bob used the internet to explore his sexual urges.

I'm a dirty, dirty man.

AOL Messenger was a pain in the ass as well. Every time I let it show that I was on line...MESSAGE....MESSAGE....MESSAGE....

Christ people...can't a guy surf for porn in peace?!?

So I uninstalled that baby rather quickly.

And don't get me started on Yahoo. Yes...I actually TRIED to download their crap but have NEVER had any success with it.

That's the reason I'm not a Rawkin' Diarylander. I hope y'all are having fun on that site, but ol' Unca Bawb struggles with Yahoo every time.

So I think I'll just sit here on the outside looking in.

I've now become the voyeur who just sits back and watches the others.

I feel so dirty.

I need a shower.

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