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5:52 a.m. - 2001-08-16

SIX HOURS OF UNINTERUPTED SLEEP...I MUST BE DEAD

The clouds have parted and the sun in shining through.

An angelic choir is singing "Hallelujah" although it sounds more like Nelly's "Country Grammar (Hot Shit)".

Yes...once again...Baby Andrew has slept through the night.

First off, once again...props to all the ladies who have been down this road before who signed the world famous Uncle Bob Message Board with various tips and tricks on how to get the little creep to fall asleep.

I think we're going to try ... THE FERBER METHOD!! (Suggested by Kayla).

Basically, it's a variation on what we've already kinda been doing anyway...ignoring the shit outta the kid when he cries.

BUT...with the Ferber Method...it's a long, drawn-out process that you go through with the kid that you STICK to.

So last night, he watched his video of "Baby Mozart" which calms him down immensely.

He then ate his dinner.

He then got a nice long soothing bath with Mommy and Daddy saying soothing things like "Good baby" and "Sleepytime is here" and "Holy shit, would you look at the size of those balls!"

He then got his Johnson and Johnson baby lotion smeared all over his body.

He then got two storybooks read to him..."Baby Faces" and "Goodnight Moon"...two books sent by two fans of this here damned diary...Anenigma and the doubly hot duo of Sarah and Tara.

He then got a swig off the boobies.

He was then put down in his crib STILL AWAKE (a new concept for him), gently told "Night, night" and then left alone, confused in his bed.

He cried.

Oh my dear Lord, did that kid ever cry.

Thirty minutes after a full blown sobbing, he was quiet.

Susie got up to check on him to make sure he didn't have a baby concussion or anything. He was sound asleep.

And is STILL sound asleep eight and a half hours later.

Thank you Lord.

Thank you Moms from the Message Board.

I may not have to drown the boy after all.


Speaking of Sarah and Tara, I received my final paycheck from Mighty Big TV for the season yesterday ...with a healthy little bonus tacked on to the check as a season ending bonus.

Lemme tell ya...those kids on "Friends" didn't get a bonus like this one...I'M RICH!!! I'M FREAKIN' RICH!!!

I'm going to cash the check, all in one dollar bills, take them home, pour the dollars all over the floor of my den, cover myself in honey and then roll around in the pile of cash until I'm covered in sticky one dollar bills.

...Mainly because I can't think of anything else to do with all this money.

Sure, I could give it to charity.

Or I could buy something for my family. Or maybe even put it in the bank for a rainy day.

Or even...hold a contest where some lucky Army member would "WIN UNCLE BOB'S LAST MBTV PAYCHECK!!!"

...Yeah right. Piss off. I stayed up late writing "Ed" recaps for several months straight. You didn't even read the damned things. Like I'm going to give YOU the money.

Get real.

Gimme a break.


Alright...I've gotta start getting ready since I have to pick Edweird up since his car's in the shop getting a paint job since someone scratched his car up at the Godsmack concert a few weeks ago.

Hmmmmm...maybe GOD scratched his car up because GOD was punishing him for going to a concert that promoted GOD smacking people around.

So maybe Edweird's car has been touched by the deity.

Kid's crying...gotta go. It's comforting to know he's not dead.

The kid. Not Edweird.

Or God for that matter.

That's all I need ... to say God is dead in my diary.

I'd rot in Hell for that.

Then again...I'd have Gawain to keep me company.

Shit...that does it. I'm busting ass to get to Heaven from here on out.

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