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5:01 a.m. - 2001-08-31

HI, I'M UNCLE BOB AND THESE ARE MY INFLAMED TESTICLES

My God...am I glad yesterday is over with.

For some reason...every muscle in my body ached. Every single muscle. Pick a muscle, buddy. Go ahead. Pick one. Just call a muscle out like you were in the audience at "Whose Line Is It Anyway".

YES. THAT MUSCLE ACHED.

Arms, legs, back, neck, feet, stomach...ALL OF IT ACHED.

And the worst part...

Would you like to know the worst part?

My testicles.

Wednesday night, I was having a little pain in my left testicle. It was tender to the touch, which meant I couldn't keep my hands off it. You know how sometimes a part of your body feels real weird and you can't leave it alone?

Uncle Bob...meet your left testicle.

Yesterday morning, I woke up and the pain had spread to my right testicle.

Here are the TOP TEN things I can compare my testicle pain to...

10)I had just received an awesome hummer from Monica Lewinsky who drained my scrotal sac dry.

9)An Army of Nazis had goose stepped all over them.

8) A doctor, testing my reflexes, had hit my balls instead of my knees.

7)I left my chestnuts roasting on an open fire for an inordinate amount of time.

6)I was thrown naked into a yard full of pitbulls with a rump roast tied to my penis.

5) I had spent the night with Richard Simmons.

4) A water buffalo had mistaken my testicles for water buffalo snacks.

3) I scaled a rusty electric barbwired fence naked and got stuck.

2) Mini-Me had attached himself to my scrotum with his teeth.

And the number one thing that I coulda sworn happened to my balls yesterday...

1) Cal Ripken had decided to use my balls for batting practice and lo and behold...he batted a thousand.

Suffice to say...your sweet old Uncle Bob was in some SERIOUS pain.

It hurt to sit down, it hurt to stand up, it hurt to walk and it hurt to talk. It hurt to eat, it hurt to greet. I would not dare walk in a cave, I wouldn't discuss them at an open grave.

This is starting to sound like Dr. Seuss gets a bad case of blue balls.

Soooooo...is there a happy ending to my ball situation??

Yes sirree Uncle Bob!

I woke up this morning and got out of bed.

Didn't hurt.

Peed.

Didn't hurt.

Mopped up the urine on the side of the bed with an old towel.

Didn't hurt.

Juggled my balls like a circus clown.

Slight pain. But nothing like yesterday.

Soooo...here's my theory on my mystery illness...

I think I told you (not you, the guy in Utah scratching his balls and sniffing his fingers ... yeah...him) that I was taking a pain pill each night before I went to bed to cure me of middle-of-the-night headaches.

These pain pills had expired earlier this month.

Now, I feel quite confident that pills do NOT have a built-in calendar in each one of them so that at exactly 365 days, all the active ingredients clock out and dissolve into nothing.

BUT...I think that after a year, the pain pills have a reverse effect...rather than CURE the pain, they CAUSE the pain.

This is just a theory, I am not a skilled practioner of the medical field, I don't even watch "ER".

But I didn't take a pain pill last night and I feel much better this morning.

My balls, still a bit tender, will survive.

I was quite sure that I had suffered a hernia yesterday. I went so far as to look up hernia symptoms on the web and sure enough, I had most of the symptoms.

* Tender testicles.

* Inability to quit whining about tender testicles.

* Telling your new co-workers that you think you might have a hernia and having them stare at you, telepathically telling you "I really didn't need to hear that."

* Walking down hallways with your hand down the front of your pants, cupping your testicles close to your body with a constant awareness of people jumping out of their office at you, kicking you in the balls, laughing hysterically and running away.

* Constant badgering of wife to "come look at this and tell me if it looks funny".

ALLLL the symptoms, baby.

Today, my biceps are sore, my knees are sore, my back aches but my balls are A-OK.

The final consensus on my medical status???

...I'm getting way too old for doggy style.


For those of you wondering...yesterday's Disclaimer was not all written at one time. That took thirty days to complete and was featured on my previous website that contains lots and lots of humorous material that many of you have never seen before.

I was in so much pain yesterday that I didn't feel like sitting up straight at my computer and hammering out two entries. So both entries yesterday were rehashes of stuff from my old diary...before I was Uncle Bob.

I'd link to it, but it's pointless. You guys don't care what I was doing in 1999 and I'm too lazy to link.

I had another webpage before that one that Geocities took down because I used offensive language and posted pictures of Naked Fat People which was a very popular portion of the website, but deemed offensive by skinny people who worked for Geocities.

NAKED FAT PEOPLE NEED LOVE TOO, DAMMIT!!


Alright...the baby's waking up, my balls are cooling off and it's FRIIIIIIDAYYYYYYYYY!!!!

Three day weekend coming up!!!

Whoooohoooooo!!

I never had Labor Day off when I was at the newspaper. Every Labor Day, I went to the local Labor Day Telethon and took pictures of behind the scenes stuff...then I went to this BBQ that people line up for miles to eat and take pictures there.

One time at the BBQ, they invited me into this screened porch area where they made all the bbq in these big pots.

...With flies ALL OVER the place. In the BBQ...in the Camp Stew...EVERYWHERE.

I will NEVER eat BBQ from there. NEVER. Not after watching flies chow down on it first.

Ugh.

I'm about to make myself sick just thinking about it.

Lemme think about it just a bit more....

THAT'S IT!

I'VE GOTTA GO PUKE!!

SEE YA!!!

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