BE ALL THAT I WANT YOU TO BE IN MY ARMY

Who's got the greatest Army in Diaryland?

(Bob crosses his arms, looks at the ceiling and taps his foot impatiently, waiting for the correct answer)

Yer damned skippy...UNCLE BOB DOES!!!

Thanks to all that have submitted names and acts to me to submit to the big cheese in charge of next year's Music Fest.

Some of the acts you submitted we've already had before, some of them I already thought of, and lots were totally new acts that I had either forgotten about or didn't know.

Y'all pulled through.

Thanks soooooo much.

Didn't update yesterday because Andrew (the diaryland guru, not my baby) forgot to put Diaryland's key in the ignition and get it started yesterday morning.

Because I'm STILL not a gold member ... I felt like I couldn't really email him and ask him to get on the stick. So I didn't.

And I WILL be a gold member someday. I pwomise. I just keep forgetting about it. That's the truth.

I mean ... I'm thinking about it right now. But I'm not going to join right now.

Et cetera.

I'm out of it this morning. In case you couldn't tell.

Nothing really exciting happened on Friday.

We got a new IBook and IMac at work. Originally, the IMac was supposed to be mine, but I'm seriously hoping to be gone from this business by July, yet nobody at my job knows this, so I said "No...let New Boy have the IMac."

New Boy was thrilled. He kept saying "Are you sure? Are you sure?"

Hell yes, I'm sure New Boy. In three weeks I'll be a distant memory and you'll be running the ship. Knock yourself out, dude.

But I messed around on both machines and they're pretty cool, really. I kinda want the IMac even though I won't be there much longer (fingers crossed), but it's worth it to make someone else happy.

I got a lovely little letter from Courtney this morning.

Courtney got drunk last night, which provoked her to write to me.

How thoughtful.

Usually, I don't print private emails here, but I'll toss a couple of lines up here to show you what a great gal Courtney is.

dear uncle bobbbb.....

I would liek tro ytell you that it is threes occock in the morningm and I",m drubnjkker thabn I have ever beeeeeeen. IT looks great. the moon is dhhining. Love is in the air, althougj I cheated on my boyfriend to night which reallly isn't good...you know. Alothoguh the boy kisssed med... anddddddddddddd eeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr I kised him back, but hen tolx him I loved my bf. sooo its cool. hahaha

Don't worry Courtney. Kissing isn't cheating unless you used the tongue. You DIDN'T use the tongue...DID YOU???

i was just olooking to see if your''ve updated your jourabn;a. and thought I would e-=mail you ro tell you how much /I love you and adore you! your so grat. I love you and love yhou

Wait a second you love me AND yhou???

Why ... that dirty stinkin yhou....I'm gonna moider the sommomabitch. Only one of us deserves your love Courtney, and it's certainly NOT yhou.

I read your diary and its fantastic, I think tits wonderful.

Join the club, sweetie. I think tits are wonderful too.

Anyway...there's more...and I think it gets a little personal, but I can't really tell for sure with the overabundance of errant consonants ... so I'd better just leave it where it is.

Thanks Courtney. Next time take three Advil and brush your teeth thoroughly before going to bed and you won't be hungover the next day.

That's my cure anyway.

Mattie Gee and I went up to the office yesterday to correct all the problems that New Boy has caused on the computer system.

After running Norton Utilities, he found 4,177 errors in the system.

New Boy has said he could "do all he could do" to repair the system.

It boiled down to corrupted fonts causing all the errors which kept causing the machines to crash. Something New Boy knew nothing about.

Mattie Gee is a computer genius.

New Boy is a computer invalid.

Thus the difference betwixt the two.

Went out to eat at Tony Roma's rib joint last night.

Our waiter was in a different time zone.

He came up to us soon after he had taken our order and asked how everything was.

We had bread. And we had water.

"It's an awful lot like prison," I said. "We've got bread and water."

He chuckled and said "Your orders will be right out."

That's amazing, Kreskin. Why don't you wait and ask me how everything is once I HAVE everything laid out in front of me?

So the meals come. They're not bad. Not the best...but not bad.

At the end of the meal, after we've finished our meals, Waiter Boy comes back over and says "How is everything?"

Everything's gone, dude. Shoulda been here while everything was still around and not floating in a puddle of bile in my esophagus, Johnny On-The-Spot.

We ordered a slice of cheesecake to split for dessert because it sounded good.

My God. This thing was soooo thin. I've seen Kleenex thicker than this cheesecake.

Two and a half bites and it was gone.

$4.99.

Lemme speak to Mr. Roma, because that was hardly worth $4.99.

Of course ... I didn't say that. I paid Waiter Boy and we left.

We went to Montgomery Mall ... or Gang Bangers Central as I like to call it after last night.

Everywhere you looked, there were bloods...and there were crips.

They were all eyeing each other hungrily like starving porn stars.

None of them were actually SHOPPING. None of them were carrying any bags.

They were just hanging out with their hands buried in their pants ... waiting for some middle-aged fat ass such as myself to spout off at them so they could feel free to shoot my white ass up.

Pop a cap in my ass, if you will.

I kept my mouth shut and nodded nervously at every gang member, trying to convey the telepathic thought "Please don't shoot me...I'm a new daddy...here...take my wife instead."

Nobody took my wife. She's still in bed at this hour.

We went to Michael's last night too.

If you're not familiar with Michaels, it's about the most gawdawful boring store on the face of the earth.

It's got all this crap to make crafts with. You can buy styrofoam by the truckload. Need crepe paper?? Michael's has it.

Anyway ... Susie had to buy some crap for a project at church.

Even Andy could sense the boringness of the store. I pushed him around in the cart, desperately trying to find something to entertain him.

I found some feather boas and started tickling his face with them.

He wasn't amused. He yelled at me while I was doing it.

And he wasn't smiling either. So I took the yell to mean "Knock it off, you asshole" and put the boas back.

I have the most serious baby on the face of the earth. This kid looks at all new things with apprehension. He never just takes my word for it that a faceful of feather boas might be fun.

Anyway...

Susie's company picnic takes place today.

The only reason I go is because they have some pretty good door prizes each year. We got a TV a couple of years ago.

But it's going to be hotter than Oprah's inner thighs after a marathon today and I'm not looking forward to standing in the sweltering heat and NOT winning a door prize.

Susie says we won't stay long.

Thank God. Something about hanging around a buncha rednecks in the hot sun on a Sunday afternoon while they bitch about having to miss the "races" for this shit doesn't appeal to me.

Maybe I'll feign severe stomach cramps to get us out of there.

Now THAT appeals to me.