2000-05-19 - 19:01:36

(Sorry this is late...Diaryland was down this morning and I couldn't get this uploaded. Which...is usually what happens when Diaryland goes down, huh? Anyway...here it is ...nine hours late...sorry)

I'M SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU, IT HURTS

Whoooohooooooo!!!

I'm getting a cable modem!! I'm getting a cable modem!!

(Uncle Bob does his happy dance until he gets light-headed and has to sit down to catch his breath and keep from fainting).

This, of course, means I rawk and those of you with anything less than a cable modem ...do not rawk.

My sincerest apologies on your non-rawkitude, dude.

Anyway...here's the deal... I was driving to the office yesterday and I started feeling SUPER GUILTY that getting a cable modem was gonna cost us roughly $25 more a month in bills than what we're paying now.

I mean...you know...we got a baby coming and I'm supposed to be SAVING money, not SPENDING it foolishly.

You know what I'm sayin'??

(Bob flashes a gang sign to let you know he's down with the 311...are you??)

So then I started thinking...which almost caused a wreck, but I narrowly dodged the truck...Why do I need 50 premium movie channels???

Sure...I like the fact that I can switch on the TV and I have EVERY SINGLE MOFO CHANNEL OUT THERE.

10 HBOs, 8 Cinemaxs, 5 Movie Channels, 10 Starz channels, etc. etc.

But ya know what?? I've had all these movie channels since January and have watched ONE (1) movie.

One.

"Stepmom".

(Uncle Bob shudders)

Man. That movie sucked shit on a stick. I know lots of you probably feel differently, but I'm a guy who's entertained by a night of pro wrestling ... please don't force me to watch "Stepmom" ever again.

So...technically...I don't NEED to pay $50 more per month for all these movie channels if I just have them around for convenience.

So ... now I've got 10 HBOs and THAT'S IT.

Oh...and a Cable Modem, which balances out all the money I woulda spent on movie channels.

(Uncle Bob starts doing the Happy Dance again, simply out of reflex, but it peters out quicker than a two-year-old chugging cough syrup).

Of course, after I signed all the papers, dotted all the "i's" and crossed all the "t's"...I get an email from my buddy TigreFatalis saying that cable modems are DA DEBBIL!!!

Well...actually, she knows a guy who had fits with his cable modem. Cable Modems are NOT necessarily tools of Satan as I may have led you to believe earlier.

I'm sorry. I have an exaggeration problem. It probably has something to do with my excessively large wang throwing off my equilibrium or something.

Hopefully, Tigger's buddy had a bad modem or something. Because that's the only negative thing I've heard about cable modems. Everyone else says they're the saviors of the internet.

Anyway... June 14th...nearly a month away...I will have my cable modem and then I'll be a permanent resident of Napster stealing Metallica songs so quickly, that they'll be homeless bums by June 15th.

In other news ...

I was the only person in local media invited to the FOX-TV press conference yesterday which was held to unveil the network's new fall line-up.

I always like the FOX press conferences because they load you up with all sorts of sugary goodies and cool FOX stuff.

Yesterday I got a cool FOX soccer jersey, a FOX SPORTS baseball cap and a FOX wall clock, a shitload of cookies and a liter of Coca-Cola.

Whoooohooooo!!!

That was the good news....now the bad news....

FOX programming SUCKS this fall.

If you're into science fiction and complicated shit like that, you'll enjoy it. James Cameron, who did "Titanic" and "The Terminator" has a show called "Dark Angel" which looked like a very expensive movie. Some of you sci-fi guys and gals will love it. Personally...I don't.

Also...from the team that brought you "The Blair Witch Project" comes "Fearsum" on Friday nights. Reminded me somewhat of the Cameron project...dark...spooky...irritating.

The cool thing about "Fearsum" is...they're hoping that just like "Blair Witch" ... the Internet helps make this show.

The show will revolve around a website that will interact with the show some way.

The website is already up now and the network is trying to build interest for the show through it. The main character of the show is the "proprietor" of this internet site and the site will play heavily in the show.

Anyway...the site is www.freakylinks.com. I checked it out and it's pretty cool. Right now it makes no sense whatsoever because the show hasn't started. But in the pilot episode I saw yesterday, the website will be doing some freaky assed shit once the show gets cranked up.

The only two shows I saw that I thought I'd like were "Boston Public" which is a new show from David E. Kelly, the guy behind "Ally McBeal", "The Practice", "LA Law" and ... as he pointed out himself..."Snoops".

Which made me laugh out loud. "Snoops" was about the worst thing on television since ... since...

...well dammit...i'm all out of silly metaphors.

Fuck me running.

Anyway...the show revolves around teachers in a public school in Boston. David E. Kelley spoke highly of it, and personally...it sounds like it will work.

The other one cracked my ass up....

There's a cartoon on TV called "The Tick". It's about a superhero who is about as dumb as a rock. I've seen like five minutes of it in the past and it looked cute, but I've never bothered to watch it again.

It seems FOX is turning it into a live action sitcom. And starring as The Tick is the guy that played Elaine's boyfriend Puddy on "Seinfeld".

Patrick Warburton I think is his name.

He is sooooo dry and deadpan in his delivery. He reminded me a lot of Adam West in "Batman"... funny lines said totally serious.

At one point he exclaims "GREAT MOLLY HATCHET!!!" and I about spit my Coke out, laughing so hard.

And he kept hitting his head on things while trying to fight crime, which had me about to pee my pants.

I like the subtle, stupid things in life, don't ya know??

Anyway...that won't debut until January or February ... but when you start hearing about "The Tick" and seeing commercials...remember...Uncle Bob told you about it first.

Oh...and "The Lone Gunmen"...a spinoff from "The X-Files" looked pretty good. Looks like a funnier "X-Files".

That's about it though. Everything else had "Suck-O-Matic" written all over it.

Remember that zit on my chin I told ya about a few days ago??

I think it's an ingrown whisker.

And it hurts like a domanatrix with PMS on speed.

Alright... I've gotta dog to walk. Y'all take care and have a GREAT Friday!!!

Did I tell ya I'm getting a cable modem?!?

(Uncle Bob begins his happy dance as the curtain slowly falls and the spotlight fades to black).