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5:25 a.m. - 2001-09-27

I'M TOO SEXY FOR THIS DIARY

All I've got to talk about is really boring crap today.

Let's do an outline of what I'm about to talk about...if anything in these ummmm...topics doesn't interest you, you may leave now and come back later and a whole new entry will be waiting for you!

* My meeting with my dietician

* The food pantry fiasco

* My obsession with checking my blood sugar

* My abnormally large penis

Sorry...the last topic was for Google searches only. I think we should all know by now that I'm hung like a gerbil.


Alright...the meeting with dietician went really well...according to the doctor's scale, I've dropped 3.5 pounds since last Friday which was super duper cool. This would explain my feelings of arrogant sexuality lately, like the song "I'm Too Sexy" should be playing through loudspeakers every time I walk into a room.

Amy the Dietician asked me what I had been doing since being diagnosed and I told her about the walking and about the food intake and she was mucho impressed-o. She said I was doing everything right...and then she unveiled my new and improved diet that I will be following from here to eternity.

It's basically the same as the old one except there's more variety.

I'm allowed 18 carbs a day. Five with each meal and one inbetween each meal or I can add it to a meal, taking me to six per meal.

Following me here?

For those of you wanting to play at home...A carbohydrate has 15 grams of something in it.

For instance...look at the nutrition label of something... look for carbohydrates...if it says "15 g"...THAT'S one carbohydrate.

You get 18 of those. So 18 times 15 is 270 grams per day.

Get it?

Do you even care??

So technically, short of fried foods and fattening candy...I can eat almost whatever I want...BUT ... I have to add up my carbs. If I'd rather have a snack size bag of Fritos over one bagel, a container of yogurt, an apple and a banana....go for it.

Like she said over and over "It's your call, honey."

..She kept calling me "Honey". I know I blushed several times. It must have been my recent drastic weight loss that was reeling her in. A fat guy losing three pounds will bring out the sex-beast in most women, don't ya know?

So anyway...I rawk. As she said "Losing weight is about 95% mental...you have to want to do it in your head."

Which I do. I want to lose weight in my head. Mostly my cheeks and my chins though. My forehead is still pretty skinny.


So after the meeting, I walked out of the office briskly because when you're three pounds lighter than you were the previous week, walks become much brisker. Something to do with air velocity, I think.

I drove to church where our Food Pantry was finally opening its doors.

Got there right at 5...opening time.

Everyone was standing there with doors wide open and fake smiles plastered on their faces.

...And no customers.

May I say briefly...since I first heard about this food pantry, I've thought it would be a flop.

Because we're only targeting people within a certain zip code which happens to be the most affluent zip code in the city with the most money, the nicest homes and the most people who don't need assistance.

On the other side of town are the people who REALLY need help, but they already have several food pantries over there.

So we're here to help the rich.

Duh.

We had 4,000 lbs. of "food" delivered to the church yesterday and weren't really knowing what to expect as far as turnout.

We had a total of 11 people come through the line.

Technically, they should have eached received 363 lbs of food apiece at that rate.

They didn't.

And now we have WAYYYYYYYYYYYY too much food leftover.

I guess I should say "food", because what we were given was junk food and crap.

Marshmallow creme, pretzels, Cheez-It crackers, Cheese spread with jalapenos, vanilla wafers, pot pie filling and bread.

That's it.

And 90% of the boxes of food were crushed. These were boxes that couldn't have been sold in stores because nobody with a checkbook would have ever picked them up and said "Hmmm...crushed Vanilla Wafers with holes in the box! That sure sounds good!"

No way, Jose.

As one cynical church member put it..."It's humbling enough that these people have to come here, and then to put crushed boxes of crap in their bag...how humiliating is that?"

Of course, someone else suggested that these people were thankful for whatever they could get and Mr. Cynic said "It's junk food. There's nothing here of any substance and it all looks like rats have gotten the better part of most of the food."

He was right. The pretzels had expired in July. The frozen pot pie filling had been packed in May of 2000. We weren't giving out food, we were handing out botulism.

Three or four church members had spearheaded this whole affair and something tells me it's going to come back and bite them on the ass. We had to pay the food bank $200 for all this food and only 11 people came through. As Mr. Cynic said, they probably would have rather have $18 apiece rather than this garbage.

...Now do you see why I fit in so well in this church? There's people there more cynical than me!

We started storing all the leftover food in a few closets. There were 32 cases of pretzels stored. That's 320 bags of pretzels that will never be eaten.

Ah well.

It's no skin off my back.


And I don't really have an obsession with checking my blood sugar. I think I just like pricking my finger until it bleeds since it's not nearly as bad as I thought it'd be.

I've gotta go...it's much later than normal here and I've got Susie and Andrew's breakfast and lunches to make.

Take care...talk to you later.

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