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06:21:46 - 2000-04-20

THE HEADLINE THAT ATE JAPAN

Sorry...this entry really doesn't warrant a headline.

First off, thanks to all the Army Brats who wrote in with their opinions on computers for me. Like I've said before...Computers are like cars to me. I know how to get where I'm going, but when I look under the hood I'm lost.

I think I'm going with Compaq.

The only one who came to Hewlett-Packard's defense was Starr Angel whose cute little Aussie butt thinks that HP rules. She said she owns two of them with no problems whatsoever and all her friends are in awe of them.

Then she admitted that many of her friends are jackalopes and kangaroos as she lives in the Australian desert and I am her only link to a normal human being.

Then she sent me a large box of gifts including an Australian license plate and three cans of Australian beer entitled "Throw Another Shrimp On This Barbie" Beer.

My God...I'm about as funny as a funeral this morning.

Anywahoo....took the old lady up to Circuit City last night to look at computers.

She said go with Compaq over HP.

So...done deal. I'll probably go get one tomorrow.

Whoooohoooooo!!

Alright ... enough geek talk. Affemann and Monstre are on the edge of their seats and that's about it.

Oh yeah... Affie... if you want more hits to your page, I have a suggestion. When you sign people guestbooks and put a link back to your page, the correct spelling is "DIARYLAND", not "DAIRYLAND".

Dairyland.com is full of cows.

I picture you as a rail-thin freak. I highly doubt I could include you in the cow category.

Anyway...just a tip.

I am having sympathy pains for my wife.

And cravings.

She is experiencing none of that.

Meanwhile, I'm eating chicken like it's going out of style.

And chocolate. Holy hell, I am eating the chocolate.

I've got a zit on my neck that's killing me. That's when I know I've been eating too much chocolate. Zits start showing up.

38 years old. Bald spot. And a zit on my neck.

Oh God...am I attractive or what?

So sorry to shoot down any sexual fantasies you may have had of yer ol' Uncle Bob.

Then again...you need therapy if you're having fantasies about Uncle Bob...WE'RE FAMILY for Christ's sake.

Sheesh.

You are a strange one.

Remind me to stay away from you at the next reunion.

Did anybody see "South Park" last night?

I laughed my ass off.

I really liked "S.P" its first year. Then it took so long for new episodes to come out that I just gave up on the show.

I saw the movie and loved it. Now I watch the show if nothing else is on.

So last night they introduce a new character...Timmy, the retarded kid.

Timmy's in a wheelchair and his teeth come out the side of his mouth. The only thing he can say is "TIMMAAYYY" and he usually yells it.

Anyway, Timmy accidently became a big rock star in town and everyone loved him.

It was funny. I can't explain it.

And the pot shots on Phil Collins all night were excellent.

(Phil's song from "Tarzan" won the Oscar over South Park's song at the Academy Awards last month).

Which really blows my mind. We had to wait almost a year for new episodes at the very beginning...but last month they lost an Oscar and three weeks later there's a whole show about the guy that beat them, running around with an Oscar??

I would try and unveil a conspiracy here, but Jesus...my ass and eyes hurt and I just ain't got the patience right now.

Oh....lemme try and tell you about a nightmare I had last night. I usually hate when other diarists go into their dreams....HELLO??? I DON'T CARE WHAT you dreamt about.

But screw it...that's why I saved it for last...if you're like me, you can stop reading now. This won't take long, I promise.

I dreamt Susie gave me the embryo to watch for an afternoon. It was the size of a large marble, all gooey and if you looked through the transparent sack, you could see the little fetus kicking around.

It was pretty cool.

So I had the fetus on a paper napkin to protect it and was reading the Rolling Stone year-end yearbook that they put out every year...a big heavy magazine.

I accidently smashed the fetus with the magazine. It looked like I had squished a cockroach.

I woke up at 1:15 and tried to convince myself that it was only a dream. But I was CONVINCED it was real...even though I knew I was in bed, I knew it was technically impossible to walk around carrying a tiny live fetus, and I knew I quit subscribing to Rolling Stone years ago.

Still...I laid there for 15 minutes until I could get my mind straight and go to sleep knowing my wife was still pregnant and everything was cool.

I'm tellin' ya...I'm the one freaking out here...she's the one who's waltzing through this like a piece of cake.

I think I need to go puke now. I'm gone.

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