I'M JOAN JETT'S NEW GUITARIST!!!

...I don't know what I ate to deserve this, but I just woke up from the coolest dream.

My buddy Mattie Gee was drumming for Joan Jett and he got me a gig playing guitar for the Blackhearts, her backup band.

Trouble is...I don't play guitar. I know how to look cool holding one (as cool as a guy at my advancing age can look), but that's about the extent of my guitar playing.

So anyway, Joan has this gig where she's playing a Christmas party at a military base. Joan's fallen on hard times apparently.

So the gig starts and I go to run onstage and I can't find my guitar. I pick up one of Joan's guitars but the strap is so tight I can't even get it around my neck. That's cool, I'll just hold the guitar and make all my cool rock star poses and that should be enough.

So the spotlights come on and the band starts some song I've never heard before. I spin around and make goo goo eyes at the small crowd who look less than enthused about the show. I look around the stage and there's two big round high-top tables onstage. People from the crowd come onstage and sit at these two tables and start talking while we're trying to play. And I'm all like..."Show some respect people! This is Joan Jett!"

Anyway. I'm faking this whole guitar thing pretty good and hoping that Joan never notices that I can't play the instrument. The second song starts and we jam away and the strings on my guitar start breaking. Suddenly, the people in the crowd bum rush the stage and we're mobbed. Security throws everyone out of the place and it's left to just me, Mattie Gee and Joan Jett standing there.

Joan's upset because the show's over before the second song is over. She says that we only made $10. I said that's fine, I don't need my share of the ten bucks and I considered it an honor to be Joan's guitarist.

Joan SMILED at me and told me we needed to talk. In my mind, I thought "She's going to take me aside and give me guitar lessons and keep me in the band!!" Looking back now, I should have known she was about to fire me and was just being nice about it.

Finally, people started filing back into the room after being told to mind their manners. Several obnoxious couples sat at one of the tables onstage that was right on the front of the stage. They grabbed my microphone and decided that THEY were going to sing backup to Joan's songs.

Joan started playing "Fading Fast" which was actually a Go-Gos song (download it if you don't know it), but I wasn't complaining because it was an actual song that I knew the lyrics to.

So I'm trying to sing into the microphone but these obnoxious military bastards have commandeered my microphone. Meanwhile, every string was broken on my guitar and the neck had snapped in two. Basically, I was supposed to be playing a guitar that was broken in two.

I woke up at the end of "Fading Fast".

Now I'm sitting here in a half-awake stupor, waiting for Joan to call me up and tell me where the next show will be.

I just hope she gets my guitar fixed first.

I've got a real beef with these new Subway commercials.

It's got some hottie who used to weigh something like maybe 150 lbs. She didn't look too bad at 150. Hell...I woulda done her. 150 is nothing.

So anyway, she's lost all this weight and now weighs 80 lbs and she has Jarrod, the formerly fat bastard to thank for it.

The whole jingle that goes with the commercial is another one of those songs that praises the shit out of the formerly fat bastard and how he lost 700 lbs. by eating at Subway every day for 16 years.

Anyway, the girl goes to Subway and she's ALONE. She's lost all this weight, she's gained her self esteem back...and she's eating ALONE. Which should go to show you dieting gals...men like their women with meat on them.

So she's sitting there, eating her sandwich and ... gimme a break...she's STARING at a picture of Jarrod propped up on her table. THIS is her dining companion...f'n Jarrod's picture! Right there...RIGHT THERE...we've already learned enough about this girl. She was slightly overweight. She lost the weight. And now she pines for this guy who...and let's face it folks...is HARDLY a looker. Jarrod looks like your normal dweeb. You cannot TELL ME that before Subway discovered his formerly fat ass, that Jarrod was living the life of Hugh Hefner. I'll not only refuse to believe it, but I'll call you a dirty damned liar to boot.

So then...o fate of fate!! Jarrod steps up to the table. "Is this seat taken?" he asks as he sits down.

She just grins like Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt or Uncle Bob just approached her table.

Now...when was the last time you walked into a Subway and sat down at a table with a total stranger that had an 8 by 10 of you propped up on the table?

Wait...I'll be presumptuous here and answer for you..."NEVER!"

I don't think I have EVER walked into a Subway and saw one single person that I'd WANT to sit with. Most of the people in there are too busy shoveling everything that isn't nailed down in their mouths. If I walk into a Subway and every booth is full, I mosey outside and eat in my car. I don't sit down with a total stranger who just happens to be so obsessed with me that she carries a picture of me everywhere she goes.

I have an easier time believing that whole Willy Wonka deal than I do this horseshit.

I've had enough of this Jarrod guy.

And I've had enough of Subway trying to goad me into believing that chicks actually see something in this dork.

Something must be done about this, but I haven't decided what just yet.

Ahhhh....HBO's new season of "Oz" starts tonight.

Knowing that I'll get an hour of watching men kill each other and have sex with each other makes everything much better for me.

Screw Jarrod. I've got prison life to cozy up to tonight.

Life is good.