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09:08:00 - 2000-09-26

FROM JUBILATION TO DEPRESSION IN ONE EASY DIARY ENTRY

Well ... I can finally die and go to Heaven.

...I got QUOTED!!!

Do you have any idea how long I've been trying to be one of the Quoted few???

Well ... me neither...BUT I'M SURE IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

In fact ... I've been tossing the idea around for a few weeks to write a diary entry featuring MY OWN QUOTES just to prove that I'm one quotable sonofabitch.

I understand Francine's reasons for not ever quoting me.

She said "everyone already reads me anyway."

Not true. If that were the case, I'd get 40,000 hits a day.

Isn't that how many diaries we have in Diaryland now??

Something like that.

Anyway...I'm a'QUOTED!!!

I beat Francine's system!!!

(Bob does his freshly Quoted dance, which is exactly like every other stupid little dance he does when he's happy).

*********************************************

My resident computer genius Mattie Gee came over yesterday to install a Firewire thing in my hard drive so that I can transfer my camcorder tapes to DVD.

So far ... I can't figure the shit out.

That's to be expected. I am, by all accounts, computer illiterate.

I use the internet and wordpad on my computer. That's it.

Anything else makes me drool and stare at the screen like Carl from "Sling Blade".

"Ah don't know nothin' 'bout no Quake game, mmmmmhmmmmm."

BUT...I have learned how to watch the camcorder video on my computer, which is pretty cool.

You know...in the grand scheme of all things that are "pretty cool" watching the camcorder on the computer was probably pretty low ... right down there with accidently catching a glimpse of your grandfather's testicles ... but at the time, I was impressed.

*****************************************

Oh hey...it's time to get bitchy and ugly ... you might want to go and grab another cup of joe or something...

It seems the backlash against Uncle Bob has officially swung into gear.

I guess it started with the "Anon" thing left on my Analyzer page that said I should put everyone out of their misery and just quit writing this diary.

As it turns out, Anon came forward and admitted that he was Some Other Guy.

Which ... I've gotta give the guy some credit ... at least he had the balls to come forward and admit he had written it. Most of these punk asses get off on the thrill of anonymity.

And as much as I could sit here and blather on and on to an actual audience on how much Some Other Guy's diary sucks and how he should give up the bandwidth so someone more deserving could have it... I'm not going to.

The fact is ... his diary isn't bad.

Y'know why? Because it comes from his heart. Simple as that.

I know I've said alllll this shit before, but people...for the love of God...LISTEN!!!!

EVERYONE HAS A RIGHT TO HAVE A DIARY.

Some are full of typos.

Some are incredibly boring.

Some are there to show off the owner's HTML skills.

Some are fan fiction.

But all have one thing in common ... they're there to reflect the person behind them.

NONE OF US have the power to deem another diary "tasteless" or "lame". And when you DO try to belittle someone else's work (and let's face it...a lot of times, these diaries are WORK), it only shows YOUR lameness.

Now then ... someone has fucked with my analyzer page ... changing the picture and all the little shit at the top.

No big deal, I could care less. The picture's funny ... all the little answers to "Favorite movies" et all is really pretty lame. I'd appreciate it had it been funny ... but it's just...lame.

...Which ... of course...means that whoever did it is now going to change it to something incredibly vulgar in hopes of appeasing me.

Don't. You'll just embarrass yourself even more.

Then there's the Analyzer page for "I Don't Read Uncle Bob".

Like this is some kinda revelation. The ONE PERSON who doesn't read this diary.

Guess what, Einstein?? BILLIONS OF PEOPLE in this world don't read me.

BILLIONS.

And finally ... the people who are dropping out of the Army.

Some of you have password protected your diaries and have the courtesy to tell me to drop you out of the Army. That's cool.

But more and more, I'm offending people's moral values or something, because they're writing and asking to be taken off the Army thing.

That's cool if you want to be taken off the list if I've offended you.

But here's the deal...

For those of you that AREN'T included in this link thing and you've been thinking about it, FOR PETE'S SAKES....I'm not Mr. Rogers here.

I CAN be offensive.

I TRY to stay away from the real touchy subjects here.

But on occasion, I may say something that offends you. Keep that in mind before you ask me to put you in the links.

A lot of people look at the Army thing and think..."Wow! I bet I could get a lot of hits from this thing!!"

You'll get a few. It's up to YOU to get the rest. You have to keep cranking out interesting entries (unlike this one) and keep the reader's interested in you.

I dunno. I'm just becoming so fucking jaded here lately.

I've said it before, and a lot of the younger people don't understand it ... but if you don't like a diary...DON'T FUCKING READ IT.

I HATE these groups that tell me what I can and can't watch on television because it's bad for kids.

Let me watch what I wanna watch, read what I wanna read, listen to what I wanna listen to.

Let me make my OWN DECISIONS.

That's what boggles my mind when people like Some Other Guy says "Still, Uncle Bob, you need to close that diary down and put all of us out of our misery. And don't tell me that if I don't like it I shouldn't read it, because I would like to enjoy reading it, but I find it next to impossible. "

Lemme see...you WANT to read it...but you also WANT me to shut it down and put you out of your misery.

That's ludicrous. Yer smokin' too much of that there crack rock, Sonny boy. Make up yer mind.

Y'know...there's a TON of diaries that I don't read.

I read them once. If it doesn't leave an impression on me, I move on and never go back to them.

I don't feel the need to send the person a message that their diary is making me miserable and for them to just stop it right now.

I think Eminem blows. Would you want me taking his music off the shelves of record stores?

That's not how the world works, kids.

It's called Freedom of Speech. Go look it up.

Yeah...my diary isn't the same diary it was eight months ago.

I'm not the same person I was eight months ago.

And yeah...there are days when you people come here, and I'm not funny or interesting.

Shit man. I do this EVERY MORNING. You try to come here and be funny and entertaining every morning.

And lately, it seems like every day I get up, come to this computer and try to be entertaining and I get another email that tells me I suck or they want out of the Army because of something I said or someone's been fucking with my Analyzer page.

It just blows my mind that some of you people have enough time on your hands that you can sit and read a website that you clearly don't like.

Just blows my fucking mind.

I wish it was the last time I had to say this, but I'm sure it won't be...

If you don't like me...don't read me.

You'll be doing both of us a big favor.

There's your damned diary entry.

***************************************

TEN FUN THINGS TO SAY WHILE GETTING YOUR STOMACH PUMPED

"Wait a second...that wasn't SEMEN was it?"

"This ain't so bad."

"Lemme know if you find a Massachusetts license plate in there."

"Wow. I haven't eaten bacon in months!"

"I feel gassy."

"Hey, I've never coughed up a gerbil before."

"Now I know what Rod Stewart must go through."

"Ya wouldn't happen to have a penis pump back there, would ya?"

"That's the LAST time I dip my Doritos in rat poison."

"Wow. This is making me horny. "

******************************************

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Can you find a nice way to tell me everything will be okay?

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