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7:35 a.m. - 2001-07-04

THE GHOSTS OF JULY 4THS PASSED

Heya!

Happy Independence Day to all American readers! And to you Canadians...Happy Wednesday, eh?

I could write all about my exciting adventures yesterday which included (but were not limited to) going to Blockbuster Video, stopping by my old office two jobs ago to show off Andy, taking the wife to lunch, going to the grocery store and watching "Cast Away" last night ... but seriously ... who comes here to read about my daily adventures???

Ahem.

So instead ... a look back at past July 4ths, through the miracle of what's left of my memory that the drugs thankfully left intact.

JULY 4TH, 1976

The Bicentennial. Twenty-five years ago. I was staying at my cousin's house in Elmwood, Illinois and we were out back playing in the yard. My little sister, all of 7 years old at the time, wanted to play too. We told her she could play with us. Somehow, we convinced her to take the little ball out of a whistle and shove it up her nose. She did. The ball went into her sinus cavity, she panicked, Mom and Dad took her to the emergency room in Peoria, a doctor removed the ball after hours of trying without surgery. Mom and Dad got home about 9 p.m. Wayyy too late to take us to go buy fireworks. The evening was spent watching fireworks on TV with my parents staring holes through my soul. KC & The Sunshine Band were on, playing songs between fireworks, adding insult to injury because (say it with me) DISCO SUCKS!!

JULY 4TH, 1981

I took my girlfriend Treva (don't snicker)to a Journey concert in Nashville. Treva told me, mincing no words, that she would give up her virginity for lead singer Steve Perry. Great. She wouldn't let me near her panties after six months, but she'd give it up for that long-haired big nosed Journey frontman. This led to my intense hatred and jealousy of Steve Perry. Treva finally consented and let me snatch her virginity months later. And bitched the entire time as well as for weeks afterwards, really feeling guilty she gave it away to me. Gee thanks. That relationship was doomed from the start.

JULY 4TH, 1985

My friend Mike decides to throw a July 4th party. Unfortunately, Mike was about as broke as Christopher Reeve's neck. A handful of people came over for chips, dip, beer and loud music. As night fell, we went outside and shot off some fireworks. Mike, drunk as shit, decides to hold several bottle rockets in his hand and light them, finding this funny. Thirty minutes later, we were in the emergency room, getting Mike's hand bandaged up.

JULY 4TH, 1988

While deejaying in a bar, and getting drunker by the minute, I conjure up the spirit of Mike and decide to launch a bottle rocket from the deejay booth, into the crowded dance floor. I narrowly miss hitting a woman with the bottle rocket. Her boyfriend wasn't too thrilled and let me know this by requesting the administering of a severe ass kicking to my glutimus maximus. I politely declined the offer and then had the guy thrown out of the bar. When you're the #1 bar in town, you can do those kinds of things ... almost maim someone and then have them escorted out of the building because they want to harsh your buzz.

JULY 4TH, 1997

My boy Eddie Lavoie throws a pool party. My in-laws from Texas are at the house, as well as my local in-laws, making bout 15 or so people in the house. I go to the pool party myself, drink as much beer as I can in a short amount of time, come back to the house, drunker than a skunk and proceed to get drunker at my house in front of my in-laws. The kids and I go outside in the back yard, where I give them all several sips of my Heineken and we share the curse words that we know. They impress me with their vulgar vocabularies and I teach them a few new words for their personal use, including my favorite at the time..."assfucker". My brothers and sisters-in-law aren't thrilled with the genesis of "Uncle Bob" to which I tell them to eat me, we're just having fun. I cap off the evening by taking my four year-old nephew and raising him above my head in the den, forcing him inches away from a whirling ceiling fan, while his mother screams at me to put him down.

I was pretty hungover the next day.


That's the main ones I can remember.

This year...it's a menu of Ribs, baked beans, pasta salad, corn on the cob and rolls. We're watching "Snatch" and cleaning off the patio.

No alcohol, drugs, fireworks or in-laws.

It should go smoothly.

Hope yours does as well.

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