WHERE'S KATO KAELIN WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

So I'm watching the Today Show this morning and apparently it was "Idiot Day" in the news.

First, we have those two gals who just got released out of the Taliban prison for trying to spread Christianity in Afghanistan which is really, really, really a stupid thing to do. It's like walking into the middle of a pitbull fight and trying to teach the dogs how to properly chew a hambone.

Katie asked the girls what happened? How exactly were you spreading Christianity?

One of the idiots piped up. "Well, we were at a family's house," she says. "And they expressed a curiosity about Christianity. So we gave the kids a book about Jesus written in their language and we showed them all a video about Jesus."

Katie says "Well, didn't you know that was against the law?"

And the gal says "What could we do? They wanted to see the video!"

Okay.

Attention, passengers on the Idiot Express. This is your captain speaking. YOU ARE F'N IDIOTS!!!

I'm SURE this family just happened to have a TV and VCR right there in the living room...right??

WRONG, CHOWDERHEAD!! All forms of entertainment in Afghanistan have been banned for five years now. So these two idiots were traipsing around Afghanistan with a portable TV-VCR combo, just ITCHING to show this video about Jesus to everyone they could find.

Don't you think if there were two people going around America trying to show people footage of Hitler and then trying to convert them into Nazis...don't you think THEY'D wind up behind bars eventually??

This is my point ... The women went to Afghanistan to spread the gospel in a country where it's illegal to spread the gospel. They went there with the best of intentions but you still don't mess with the laws, however ignorant they may be.

So they broke the laws and wound up in prison.

Serves 'em right. I wouldn't expect some guy from Amsterdam peddling drugs to American schoolkids to get off scott free. I don't care if drugs are legal in Amsterdam...they're illegal here and against the law.

So then...Katie asks these women if they'd ever go back to Afghanistan.

Ohmigod.

They both grinned and said "Of course!"

I about fell out of my chair.

One of the gals said that her heart was still in Afghanistan and that she feels that it's her mission in life to help the people of Afghanistan.

Sweetheart...Uncle Bob here...maybe it's time we found you a new mission in life, babe. Something like...ohhhh...I dunno... organizing church bake sales here in America or something.

She's convinced that if she can get back to Afghanistan that THIS TIME she can perhaps goad the entire country into becoming Christians. She'd do it just to see "the smiles on their faces".

Hello???

I don't mean to make fun, but Afghanistans have very little to be smiling about right now. I doubt seriously that they'll ever feel the love of Christ that this woman feels in her heart. You just spent three months in a Taliban prison, covered in flies, ants, cockroaches, mice and stray beard hairs the length of my arm.

WAKE UP YOU IGNORANT WOMAN!!!

The second idiot on the show was the mother of two of the boys that were jailed after planning to kill kids in their school.

This lady was in serious need of some professional therapy.

Katie grilled the woman on her kids and the lady swears the boys were just "playing".

Here's a quote from the site I just linked you to...

"Police searching Michael McKeehan's bedroom found Satanic masks, a meat cleaver, an ax and a photograph of Adolf Hitler, according to a report following his arrest. They found a bomb recipe book in a locked room in his basement, authorities said. Police also discovered spent cartridges from five different types of guns, and torture devices."

Yeah.

I remember my days in high school fondly ... playing Monopoly with my friends on Friday nights while wearing Satanic masks and using deadly weapons for game pieces. Oh, and of course, we had Hitler's picture taped in the middle of the board where "Free Parking" would normally be.

You know...we were just playing and all...no biggie. Just normal every-day kids torturing the shit out of each other and chasing each other around with axes. We'd get tired from all the running, Mom would fix us some milk and cookies and then we'd all gather in my basement to pray to Satan and whip up on some midgets and plot our faculty's painful and bloody demise. Mom would usually find us early the next morning, passed out at my work bench after staying up all night trying to build as many pipe bombs as we could. Ahhhhhh...good times.....

The mother on the Today Show said her kids "may" have threatened someone but that they would never follow through with it because they were "good kids". They dressed a little strange (matching plaids with stripes?) and a few of the other kids picked on them for that. But dammit, she was a good mother and she took an interest in her kids' lives and if they had meat cleavers in their rooms with pictures of Hitler and Satanic masks...well by God...somebody MUST have planted them there. Like maybe the Evil Fairy of Evilfairyland or somebody like that. Because that's not what her kids were all about. They were all about peace and love and happi.....

I think that's where Katie cut her off because the mother was about to choke on her own bullshit.

I'm a fairly new parent. Right now, my biggest concerns are that my son doesn't get an abnormal fixation on his penis and that he stops eating the dog's food. I don't have to worry about him having his peers' skulls under his bed or anything like that.

Yet.

But damn...here's how I plan on making sure that doesn't happen.

I'm going to take an interest in my son. I already have a deep interest in him, but as he grows, so will that interest in him. I'll ask him about school. I'll meet and know his friends.

And most importantly ... I'll be his friend when he needs advice. Or encouragement. Or a shoulder to cry on.

I will teach him right from wrong.

Of course...all bets are off if I can't get the kid to stop eating the goddamned dog food...