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7:04 a.m. - 2001-09-02

MORE WHINING FROM THE KING OF COMPLAINTS

I'm still alive ... your loss.

But I'll tell ya...I'm one achey sonofagun.

Several times, I had to check my arms and legs to make sure there wasn't any horrifying yellowish purple bruises all over them.

And here's the deal...I haven't done ANYTHING that would cause my muscles and joints to ache. NOTHING. No lifting, no carrying, no laying out in the middle of the street and letting cars run over me at a rapid pace.

ZILCH.

Yet...I ache the ache of the damned.

Whatever that's supposed to mean.

Yestuhday...I was hurting so bad I sent the wife to the grocery store ALONE.

You don't know how serious that is. My wife...the shopping cart zombie...could have killed people without me there to help steer the shopping cart. She doesn't pay attention and she'll just leave the cart in the middle of an aisle, walk away and start carrying everything in her arms before she remembers she actually had a cart seven aisles ago.

Plus...when I send her to the store, she comes back with the most INSANE CRAP you will ever see.

Things like canned fruits and vegetables.

Yet...she completely FORGETS to buy any chocolate!!

I know!!!

It blows MY mind too!!

So yesterday, she comes home and says "You're never going to believe what I bought!"

Okay...I take this to mean that she got something good. Maybe Nestle's has come out with some golden candy bar filled with peanut butter, crunchy things, three types of chocolate and hundred dollar bills baked in the middle.

Nope.

Honey Nut Cheerios.

I'm sorry...excuse me...beg your pardon...WAS I SUPPOSED TO GET EXCITED BY THIS?!?!

Well, but look dear...they've got little CD-ROM games on them.

"Chutes and Ladders" and "Operation".

Oh. I get it. You bought Andy some games.

This had nothing to do with anything in the chocolate family. Nothing french fried or "pizza-flavored".

CD-ROM games.

Well now...this certainly calls for a "WhoooooHoooooo!"

I gave her a half assed "Whoohoo" and resumed my moaning in pain.


So yesterday was the first official day of college football which means my life will finally take an upswing.

I love college football. And up until yesterday, I thought I couldn't get enough of it.

So I watched 11 straight hours of college football.

Believe you me...I CAN get enough of it. Around hour #7 I had my share.

I kept watching these guys getting pummelled on the field and thinking "They don't know what real pain is all about. Try sitting in a recliner with a heating pad on your scrotum you buncha pansies."

Speaking of which, you will all be glad to know that on Tuesday, Susie's making an appointment for me to go to the doctor to get my nuts juggled.

Yes. I'm really looking forward to this.

Yes. That was sarcasm.

Anyway...watching football just wasn't as much fun as I remembered it yesterday.

Mainly because every five minutes I was hobbling after the baby who was intent on crawling to the kitchen,opening up the pantry and throwing Tupperware bowls as far as he could.

The kid's got roughly seven dozen toys in the den.

He wants Tupperware bowls.

I pulled out a number of Tupperware bowls out of the pantry and put them and him in the den.

He banged on the bowls for about five minutes.

...Then crawled to the kitchen to get more.

The kid's a slut for Tupperware.

It's going to be one bizarre Christmas around the house this year.

"Look son...a lettuce crisper!"


He's up now and so is Mama, so I guess I should be crawling in there.

Susie said I don't have to go to church today.

Like she's God or something.

I kinda wanted to go to challenge some of the really elderly people in church to a foot race.

Sadly, I think they'd win. I'm moving so slowly, turtles are passing me and flipping the bird at me.

Laugh it up Funny Boy.

Wait until YOU get old.

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