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10:11:42 - 2000-06-30

RETURN OF THE KNEE-HUMPERS

My in-laws are coming to town.

Don't get me wrong...I ummmmm....

...Oh what the fuck...get me wrong...see if I care...

I don't care for my in-laws. Who really does??

But I married into ONE STRANGE FAMILY.

I've told you about my brother-in-law Larry that breaks everything, most recently a fluorescent light at our church.

One thing I never told you about Larry ... we're paying for his college education.

Apparently, he NEVER paid back his student loans after graduating from college in the 80s.

When he got a threatening letter from his alma mater, he came to his little sister (my wife) to bail him out.

WHY??? Shouldn't he have a nice job with a college education and all??

Sure. He's a computer analyst at a bank here in town. Been there for years.

But they wouldn't give him a loan because his credit totally sucks.

So he and Susie's mom (who he still lives with at the age of 38) came over about eight months ago, took Susie into the living room while I stayed in my office and begged for $6,000.

Susie agreed to go take out a loan for $6,000 ON THE CONDITION that Larry would pay it back on a monthly basis.

Guess how much Larry has paid back???

If you guessed NOT A G-DAMNED PENNY, you're absolutely right.

Each month, we pay $200+ to the bank that HE WORKS AT, to pay off his schooling.

I WORK EACH MONTH to pay off this loser's schooling.

Sorry...that shit pisses me off. And Susie doesn't have enough balls to say anything to them and as far as THEY'RE concerned, I know NOTHING about this loan. It was supposed to be kept secret from me.

I have no idea why he couldn't pay it back. He makes more money than I do. His bills are practically non-existant.

Ah well...enough about his sorry, loser ass that will be over here for the majority of next week, eating me out of house and home.

....Let's concentrate on the Texas Brood....

Susie's sister is my favorite of her siblings. Except she's SO DAMNED LOUD.

She's raised four boys, ages 18-10, so she HAD to get loud. But she NEVER turns it off.

(5 a.m. Saturday morning)

Me: (whispering) "Good morning, Sandy".

Sandy: "GOOOOOOOD MORNING UNCLE BOOOOOOOOB!!!!!!!"

Me: "Holy shit woman...hold it down...you're waking the neighbors...."

Anyway...she's not even the worse part of the trip...

Those damned four boys.

At an early age, these kids started humping me.

Yes...humping me.

Stop me if I've already told y'all this story.

..............okay....nobody's stopped me.....

Anywhooo...Susie comes from a very "hugging" family. They hug when they see you. They hug when someone leaves the room. They hug after a meal. They hug when someone coughs.

They're a bunch of huggy bears.

When I first became part of the family, there were only two boys. They were forced to hug their Uncle Bob constantly.

They would hug me.

They would wrap their legs tight around my leg and cling to me.

They'd start grinding their pelvis into my legs slowly.

They'd then start blatantly dry humping my fucking leg.

This bothered me. Hell. It bothered the SHIT outta me.

I would try to push them off my leg, but since they had both arms and legs wrapped around me tight, I had to pry them off.

In the meantime, they're getting every last ounce of humping my thigh in as they can.

Fucking unnerving as hell.

They wouldn't do this in front of other adults. They'd wait for me to be alone with them and then the humpfest would begin.

I told Susie, who at first didn't believe me. That's expected. I say a lot of goofy things during the day and accusing my nephews of dry humping my leg like horny dogs was taken as a joke.

I begged her to believe me and she finally did. She told me to push them away.

I explained that they lock on to me and I literally can't get them off.

Heh. Well...my leg could get them off apparently...

Anyway...as the two boys grew older, the humping began to subside.

...But then two new boys came into the picture.

And sure as shit...they picked up where their brothers left off.

I have LITERALLY smacked them in the head until they released their crotchal grip from my leg and explained to them that humping their uncle's leg was a very sick thing to do.

They fucking laughed in my face. Tell them NOT to do it, and they're just going to want to do it more.

The last time it happened, I was totally unprepared.

It was during their last visit. The nine-year-old came running out to the den to tell me that the Nintendo was acting up in the living room.

I went out there to fix it. One of the controllers had come loose from the machine. Nothing major.

I began my walk back out to the den, and I felt the kid latch onto my leg.

Oh Sweet Jesus.

Before I could do anything, my calf was being violated by this little monster.

Instinctively, I swung my leg as hard as I could with a 60-lb. kid attached to it into the wall, which made him loosen his grip and fall off my leg.

"Don't ....EVER ... do that ... AGAIN" I said through clenched teeth with my finger in his face.

He just smiled and went back to his Nintendo.

There's something really wrong with these kids. I don't know what the hell's going on in Texas with them. I've never been to Texas to see them. Every time Susie goes to visit, she goes alone because she knows how much I dread seeing them.

They're fine when they're not humping me.

I don't think they're gay, because a few years ago, we caught them making out with their female cousin.

God...now THAT was a scene.

One thing's for sure...I'm never FORCING my kid to hug anybody other than his mom and me. And he can stop that anytime he pleases and I won't be offended.

Kids should NOT be forced to hug everyone that their parents tell them to hug.

It just isn't right.

Ask my knee. It'll tell you the same damned thing.

LESSON OF THE DAY: Meet EVERY SINGLE MEMBER of your future spouse's family before you agree to walk that aisle with them. If a sister lives in Texas or a brother's in the army, MEET THOSE PEOPLE before you make a decision that could affect the rest of your life.

...Trust yer ol' Uncle Bob on that one, kiddies.

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