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09:38:38 - 2000-07-26

MY LEFT FOOT -- THE SEQUEL

You know...sometimes I can be quite the idiot.

For about a week, I had a little tiny piece of skin on the bottom of my foot that had come loose. Wasn't anything too gory...didn't even hurt. But ... if I walked barefoot across carpeting, it occasionally got caught in the carpeting and bent backwards or something, making it a tad uncomfortable.

No big whoop.

Sunday night, I'm watching "Millionaire" and was giddy with nervous anticipation, waiting for the next question.

I crossed my legs and happened to notice that annoying little piece of skin.

"I'm going to get rid of that little bastard," I said to myself.

I could have got a pair of scissors and snipped it off.

I didn't.

I could have got some nail clippers and clipped it off.

I didn't.

I reached down to the bottom of my foot and tugged at the skin.

It wasn't going to budge.

I took that little piece of skin between my thumb and my forefinger, counted to three and YANKED that baby right off my foot.

...Along with half my foot ...

Word of advice, kids...use the nail clippers or scissors.

The pain wasn't bad. There was a little blood, nothing to write home about.

I finished watching "Millionaire" and when it was over, I got out of my chair to move to my computer desk.

...The pain was EXCRUTIATING....

I hobbled to the front desk, using the walls to stabilize my big-assed frame, complaining and bitching the entire way.

Susie suggested a little Neosporin and several Band-Aids.

Sounded good to me.

We wrapped that baby up in both and I went to bed.

The next morning, it looked like someone had decapitated a horse and left his head in our bed.

Blood everywhere.

"Wow," I said to Susie. "Did you happen to give birth in the middle of the night?"

"I think that's from your foot," she suggested.

Ah yes. My foot.

Here it is, Wednesday morning...and my foot has YET to stop bleeding.

It only bleeds when I walk on it and for a few minutes after I sit down. Apparently, this little tiny cut in my foot can only heal if I stay off of it.

Tell that to my dog, who INSISTS on going for TWO WALKS a day.

Monday morning when I came home from our walk, I had a blood stain the size of a frozen turkey on my sock.

Even last night, after our walk, I had a stain the size of...well...it was no frozen turkey...more like an Oreo...on my sock.

Plus...I'm walking like Bob Hope now. It's a slow shuffle, punctuated by lots of "owwws" and "dammit-to-hells".

Anyway...just thought you might want to know that...

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Mattie Gee said one of the funniest things at work the other day.

We were listening to music and Billy Joel's "Goodnight Saigon" came on. For those of you not familiar with the song...it's written from the point of view of a young man being shipped off to Vietnam with fear and dread in his heart.

"That's a beautiful song," I said.

"Yeah," Mattie Gee replied. "But I wouldn't play it at a wedding reception."

Okay...MAYBE you had to be there. But I could NOT quit laughing over that line. The mental image of a bride's father running over to a deejay and screaming "WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU PLAYING???" while the bride stood in a corner and cried over the deejay's choice of music just had me rolling.

We then decided to make a CD called "MUSIC TO KILL ANY WEDDING RECEPTION". These are songs that would ruin a wedding reception as soon as people listened to the lyrics.

The disc hasn't been made yet, but so far we have a few song titles....

"Welcome to my Nightmare" by Alice Cooper.

"The Vagina Song" by Monty Python.

"Goodnight Saigon" by B.J. ("The bride wanted to hear some Billy Joel," the deejay could say, introducing the track. "Let's make the bride happy.")

"N.F." by David Allen Coe (The song DOES have a title, but even Uncle Bob can't print it here. Just think of the most offensive words starting with N and F and you have the title of the song)

"Darling Nikki," by Prince

"Natural Born Killaz" by Dr. Dre

Anyway...if you have any suggestions, email me and lemme know them. The rules are...the songs have to be either depressing or vulgar BUT the lyrics have to be legible. There's plenty of punk rock and rap shit that could be used, but the lyrics can't be deciphered, because all punk rock and rap sounds the same these days.

Sorry. In MY DAY, we had the Ramones, the Sex Pistols and the Clash. That was all the punk rock we needed.

Be creative. Sure...every Tupac song would offend Grandma. But who'd think Billy Joel could bring down a wedding reception?

**********************************

UNCLE BOB'S FUNNIEST QUOTE FROM YESTERDAY:

This quote is according to Mattie Gee. When I said it, he couldn't quit giggling, ala the "Goodnight Saigon" quip that he provided me the day before.

First...some background.

Our boss will eat ANYTHING. Whenever he walks through the kitchen at work, he's scoping out the counters, seeing if there's anything there he can scarf down.

Yesterday, I was preparing some chicken to cook on the grill for lunch and a few of us were standing in the kitchen while I washed the chicken.

The boss walks in and takes a look at this bowl of raw chicken next to the sink.

Instinctively, I warned him in a deadpan voice, "That's raw. Don't eat it."

Mattie Gee nearly busted a gut. Like it's gotten to the point that we have to tell the boss to keep his mitts off of raw chicken.

***********************************

ELDERLY WALKING COUPLE CONVERSATION FROM YESTERDAY:

As I reported a few days ago, I cross paths with an elderly couple every day on my morning walk. I've decided to include the asinine conversations we have in passing at the end of every entry from now until they die.

Yesterday's conversation:

OLD LADY: "Good morning!"

ME: "Good morning!"

OLD MAN: "It's gonna be a hot one!"

ME: "Yep!"

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