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09:07:03 - 2000-07-11

THE WORLD'S WORST DRUG DEALER ALMOST GETS CAUGHT

Okay...dream time...

I've said it before...I do NOT like to read about other people's dreams and try like HELL to not write about mine here.

But since I just woke up...oh...three minutes ago from this dream...you've gotta hear about it since it's the only thing on my mind right now, until I wake up s'more.

(Bob takes a big swig of Coke, hoping it will wake his brain up a bit. No such luck.)

So anyway...the dream...

I was walking on the side of a highway and found a big bag of cocaine.

I don't do cocaine. So I thought, "Well...I'll just give it to this kid at work who shall remain nameless who I know dabbles in the stuff."

I take it to work and give it to the kid, who is VERY grateful and offers to give me a hundred dollars for it.

Cool. I could use a hundred bucks.

THEN....

The police show up and arrest this kid. I see them from a distance putting the kid in the back of a police car with his hands handcuffed behind his back.

Naturally, I freak out. Because AS SOON as they ask this kid "Where did you get the cocaine," he's going to give them MY name and address.

Now then...I'm no Coke dealer. I just found the shit on the side of the road.

But the cops aren't going to believe that. I'm sure every single coke dealer has used that line.

So I'm freaking out, telling one of my other buddies that I've got a baby on the way, I CAN'T go to prison for dealing cocaine.

....Then I woke up, jumped up and ran to the computer and typed all this out.

Okay...now I feel stupid ...

...But I ain't no coke dealer. And that's what I'm telling the cops in case all that wasn't a dream.

****************************

I dunno if I've whined and bitched about my new cable provider enough in here or not. I think between the in-laws, a pregnant wife and various aches and pains, I haven't had the time or energy to jaw about my new Cable hookup.

I switched to Knology less than a month ago. Luckily, in our city, we have TWO cable companies, so there's competition and not a monopoly.

I think you remember me getting all giddy about my "cable modem" two months ago. Well...Knology was what I was all giddy about.

Since I signed up with them, it's been one headache after another. I now have cable service, internet service and phone service all wrapped up in one tidy bundle from these pukes.

My phone service is Godawful. There's so much static at times, I have to hang up on people because I simply cannot hear them.

The TV service has been Godawful. First they kept "forgetting" to turn on my HBO from the home office, so I went days without HBO, which is cool, I never watch TV anyway. Then...cable TV has been out a few times in the last month...way many more times than it shoulda been.

The internet service was alright. Sometimes INCREDIBLY slow ... slower than my 33.6 modem at times. But Saturday morning it went COMPLETELY out. I called customer service and they told me it'd be Monday before I could get it serviced, and that's when I lost it, babe.

"Monday??" I laughed into the phone.

"Yessir, everyone's off until Monday."

"Well...fuck me running," I said quietly.

"I'm sorry?" the guy asked, which is Southern for "Could you repeat that?"

I decided to take the meek and mild approach rather than start a fight over the phone.

"Nothin'," I replied.

But in the back of my head...I KNEW what I was going to do.

So yesterday I went back to the OTHER cable company with my tail between my legs and told them I had done a very stupid thing.

"I switched to Knology."

"Come home!," one of the ladies behind the counter said. "We'll take you back...all is forgiven!"

I felt better immediately.

So TOMORROW...not a month like Knology made me wait...I get the much BETTER cable and internet service back.

...I still gotta get a phone provider though. Shouldn't be too tough. Phone companies like me for the most part. I've never told them to fuck me running.

****************************

I had the WORST writer's block yesterday...and as you've probably noticed...it's carried over into today.

I had a GREAT column idea for my weekly column ... New reality shows that I think should be on television.

Stuff like .... who could last the longest in a house in Miami with Elian's crying and screaming relatives.

Or how long could John Rocker last on a subway in New York? Or how long he could last in a crackhouse.

Bwahahahahaha!!! Humor taken from yesterday's headlines!! How totally imaginative of me!!

I got about three quarters of the way through the column, went back and read it, and realized there wasn't ONE FUNNY thing in there. The premise was cute...but there was NO humor.

So, I've abandoned the column and will run a "Best Of" column.

...Which means an old column that I have yet to rerun...

...Which is getting tougher and tougher to find each week. It's like trying to track down a virgin in the Playboy Mansion...there ain't any.

****************************

And finally, my new PR manager Tigger has started an UNAUTHORIZED little club on Yahoo that focuses on me and my so-called greatness.

The "Uncle Bob" in me says YOU GO GIRL!!!

But the more humble alter ego of Uncle Bob is slightly embarrassed by it.

The intentions are great. But as I sit here in my boxers, bedhead and morning breath, I can't help but think I really don't deserve it.

I'm just a normal guy who gets on here and writes muddled thoughts while half asleep.

In a nutshell...I'm not worthy of such an effort. Don't believe me?? Ask the people who know me in real life. They'll be THE FIRST to tell you...DON'T DO IT!!!

Plus...I'm not sure any of you love me with the intensity that Tigger has reserved for me.

Alright...point blank...I'm embarrassed. I'm not going to ask the Tiggster to tear the thing down...and I'm not going to ask you to NOT give it a peek...if you wanna check it out, it's RIGHT HERE.

...But there's no bigger blow to an ego than a fan club with two members ...

Heh.

Thanks Tiggle, I truly appreciate the gesture. But if it fails miserably, please take it down.

...Of course...if it succeeds...you people will NEVER be able to reel my ego in.

Double heh.

I kill me.

Hey...have a GREAT DAY. I don't think I've wished that on you guys enough lately. I've got a "long" day ahead of me (i.e. an eight hour work day) so I've gotta make the most of it.

Ahhhh...Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin just came on my random MP3 list doing "Mack The Knife".

....It's gonna be a GREAT day for me if that's any indication.

Catch ya later, gator...

(Bob walks off into the sunrise, snapping his fingers happily singing about shark bites)

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