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5:47 a.m. - 2001-07-16

HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND MAKE ENEMIES

You know what HAS to be the most annoying trait that a human being can have??

I'm sure some of you are thinking "Well, Uncle Bob...I had a cousin who used to pick his nose and then eat the results when he was a kid. That was pretty nasty."

That was me, you fucker. Thanks for the Christmas card, cuz.

Actually, the absolute worst trait a person can have is ... thinking that the act of reciting Monty Python sketches word for word is funny.

Y'know...and I know I'm going back pretty far for a lot of you so you'll just have to take my word for it...in the early and mid 70s, Monty Python was the shit. Their show was on every Saturday night on PBS, and us kids would get to stay up late and watch "outrageous" skits like the Dead Parrot sketch and ... well...I think that was all they had. They just did variations on the Dead Parrot sketch.

Then..."Monty Python and the Holy Grail" came out. And we all flocked to the theaters. And we left the theaters, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US trying our best at saying "Bring out your dead! I'm not dead yet!" in bad British accents.

Some of us succeeded. Some of us failed.

And failed miserably.

But that didn't deter those who failed. Neigh...they kept practicing their Monty Python impressions ... squawking in those British accents to anyone who would listen.

If an opportunity arose...say a funeral...SOMEBODY would inevitably holler "Bring out your dead!", thinking that someone else would laugh and say "I saw that movie! You do a pretty good impression of the guy in the movie!"

But it NEVER happened that way. Nobody has EVER received a compliment on their Monty Python impressions.

And now...26 years after the movie was popular...there's STILL people ....SHITLOADS of people ... who run around, quoting lines from Monty Python.

And I...Uncle Bob...am sick of it.

It's not funny, people. We've all seen the movie and there's not one single one of you out there quoting the movie that are funnier than the actual movie itself.

So why do you keep doing it?

My case in point, because I know you guys were just sitting here breathlessly waiting for a case in point:

Last night we have a fellowship dinner at church. There's this new family that joined the church about two months ago...parents, two kids.

The dad has latched on to me like a life preserver on the Titanic. I don't mind it so much...that's one of my jobs at the church, make the new people feel welcomed.

So we've kinda "hung out" together a bit at church. When we moved stuff last week, he was kinda my partner for a lot of it. For Vacation Bible School this week, he stayed on me like a freckle.

And last night, he sat at our table at the Fellowship Dinner.

He thinks I'm funny. He hangs around me and laughs at EVERYTHING I say, which is annoying as shit. I might say something like "How's that ham?" And he cracks up like there's going to be a punchline following the statement, when I just want to know if the ham is edible.

So last night, we all eat...the kids of the church sing a bunch of songs that Susie taught them all week and everyone claps, even though every single one of the kids had stage fright and could barely open their mouths, let alone sing. I keep telling Susie that this "kid's choir" shit is a waste of time in our church because the kids will scream and holler when there's not an audience around. But as soon as you put a buncha people in front of them, they clam up like ... oh.... can I go ahead and use "Gary Condit" for a third day in a row?

So anyway, the kids sing, they get finished and it's time to put up all the dinner tables and chairs.

Well, my new groupie friend says that he is the Knight who says .... "Nit!"

Which, for those of you who aren't collossal nerds...is a line from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."

Now, I'm put in a position I don't want to be in. I can either (A) fake laugh at this guy who just dropped a 26 year-old movie line in my lap to make him feel good since he's new and needs to make friends or (B) slap this stupid motherfucker upside the head and let him know that it is SOOOOOO uncool to quote Monty Python these days.

I go with (A) because deep down, I'm a pretty nice guy when it comes to church functions.

So I give him the fake laugh.

Foolish move, Mr. Bond.

That fake laugh opened the flood gates. New Church Boy started reeling off complete scenes of the movie verbatim FOR NO FUCKING REASON.

We were putting up tables together and I just kinda let the fake laugh die down to a fake smile as he would change inflections and everything on his quotes.

He was obviously wanting to repay me for some of the laughs I've given him over the last few weeks.

Genuine laughs that came from my MIND. I don't have to quote movies to get laughs.

And quoting Monty Python movies these days will get you KILLED. Even in church.

So we're lugging tables around church and he's just going to fucking TOWN on his impressions. It would have been tolerable if he did a decent impression. But these sounded like someone who had never seen the movie reading the lines off a piece of paper.

IT WAS LAME.

Some of the other guys of the church who were putting up tables gave me sympathetic looks. The kinda looks that said "Sorry you're in the Evangelism Division and have to be nice to the new people."

So I started to change the subject when the guy would do his impressions. He was doing the part where the guy gets all his arms and legs cut off in the movie ("It's only a scratch")and I'd say "Boy, those kids can sure sing, huh?"

He'd say "Yeah," and then go into yet another skit.

By the end of all this, I was just ignoring the guy. It was either ignore him or punch him out and as I stated before, I try to play it cool at church.

Susie was lollygagging as usual, talking to everyone while the human leach was hanging off my ass "bringing out the dead".

I told Susie we had to go home because I had phone calls to make which is our code for "I'm about to shit my pants if we don't hurry up and leave".

When Susie heard the "phone call" line, she wrapped it up and we left.

"Did the food go through you that quickly?" she asked.

"No dear," I said. "I just had to get out of there. New Church Boy does Monty Python sketches verbatim."

She shuddered. She knows the pain since her dumbass, Coke-swilling, $6,000-borrowing, lazy-assed, break-everything-in-the-house brother suffers from the same Monty Python infliction.

So people...a friendly word of advice from your Uncle Bob...if you're STILL quoting Monty Python skits and think it's funny and that you're entertaining those around you, stop that shit immediately. It's not funny, it's irritating. Buy a fucking Richard Pryor CD or something.

Oooooo....better yet....get a fucking life.

I dread next Sunday.

Men's breakfast.

If this guy starts doing scenes from "Life of Brian", I'm stabbing him to death with a plastic fork.

That's a promise.

"Nit! Nit!" indeed, motherfucker.

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