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06:05:29 - 2000-01-22

I WAS A TEENAGE LOSER

I was rummaging through some of the other diaries here and ran across a recurring theme ...

...Lotsa teenagers who are sexually frustrated and hate their parents ...

Seeing as how I don't HAVE any kids, yet I'm probably old enough to be MOST of y'all's pops, I think today I'll share a little advice with you on how to survive teenagedom. I did it. My wife did it. All my friends did it.

AND YOU CAN TOO.

Just remember these simple rules, and you too will make it to the age of 20 and be able to turn around and laugh heartily at the past seven years.

*EVERYBODY WANTS TO KILL THEMSELVES AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER:

The sad part is ... it usually happens during the teen years when we TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. DON'T kill yourself. No matter how bad your problem is, it can only get better.

*NO TEENAGER HAS IT EASY: You think..."Well what about the head cheerleader/quarterback of our football team?"

Man...how would YOU like to be the quarterback ... having to live up to the ENTIRE SCHOOL'S expectations of a killer quarterback.

TALK ABOUT PRESSURE.

And that cheerleader ... well ... I'm sitting here racking my brain trying to think how a cheerleader has it worse than a nerdy bookworm ... I'll get back with you on that one.

*SEX CAN WAIT ... MASTURBATE: Somebody here has that for the name of their diary, and truer advice has never been spoken. ALL I WANTED as a teenager was sex and I didn't get any until the night I graduated from high school (a unique graduation gift by the way). As it turns out, sex is pretty much how you imagined it, except not NEARLY as mind blowing. And in 20 years, sex will just be out and out boring. Except for you ladies, who will be hitting your sexual peak at 38-39 years old.

So you think you're horny now, gals?? YOU JUST WAIT!

*YOUR PARENTS LOVE YOU: That's probably one of the hardest things for you to imagine. When I was 18, my dad threatened to take my head off with a baseball bat when he found a joint in my room. He told me I had two weeks to get my shit and move out of the house ... he wasn't going to have my mother and two sisters exposed to my "drugs". I moved in with a friend, got a job, saved money, went to school and did something with myself.

...All thanks to my dad.

Yep. Now I get along fine with my parents. During my teen years, they never let me have parties, didn't let me stay out past midnight,wouldn't help me buy a car (after I wrecked the first one they bought me), constantly threatened me with military school,embarrassed me, and treated my friends like shit.

Twenty years later, I realize why they did everything they did. Because they loved me. Just like your parents love you. It may not show right now. But give it time. Let's face it ... you aren't the sweet little demure kid that you were ten years ago,are you?

*YOU ARE NOT AN ADULT: You are a teenager. There's a difference. A teenager is an adult in training. You are being groomed to be an adult.

Just because you have the body of an adult, the desires of an adult and the dreams of an adult, does not make you an adult.

Hell, I just became an adult at 35.

Adults have a lifetime of experience and knowledge to reflect on in order to help propel them through daily life.

QUESTION: If you were in your own apartment right now and the main water line broke and there was nobody around to help you, what is the FIRST THING you do to stop any damage?

ANSWER: That's right. YOU DON'T KNOW.

...But adults DO know. And it's a well-kept secret. I can't just blurt it out here, because you will all push yourselves back from your monitors and say "Thanks Uncle Bob, for making me an adult."

And quite frankly, that's too much responsibility on my ass.

*WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE: Even your parents hated your grandparents at one time. Yet, you probably think your grandparents could do no wrong.

WRONG.

The relationship between parents and teens is always strenous at best. Your friends can validate this. You may have one friend who loves their parents right now, and that's it. The rest of them all feel the same way you do. So IT'S NOT JUST YOU AND YOUR PARENTS.

* AS AN ADULT YOU LEARN TO SHIFT THE HATRED FROM YOUR PARENTS TO YOUR BOSS. And believe me ... your parents treated you a HELLUVA lot better than your boss will.

BOTTOM LINE: This whole "dark phase" many of you are going through is just that...a phase. Keep trudging ahead ... it does get better. I was a loser in high school. As an adult, I've had opportunities like you wouldn't believe. I've hung out with the Dixie Chicks, Semisonic, Sister Hazel and even Miss America to just name a few people.

HOW????

...Simple. Life does indeed get better after the teen years.

For everyone.

Now go hug your parents and tell 'em you love 'em.

And start planning for an awesome future.

I'm not usually this sappy. Click here for proof.

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