Uncle Bob's Diary is not intended for people under the age of 18, prudes, and those that aren't willing to try laughing at something new.

Dear Diary,

I'm so mad!! Susie forgot that we were supposed to go to the ballet tonight! She came home from work and just waltzed in like it was a regular night.

"Where would you like to take me out to eat tonight," she asked.

I was steamed.

"Well ... I wanted to take you to the champagne reception for the ballet tonight and stuff our pockets full of Pigs In A Blanket," I said through clenched teeth. "But considering that started 30 minutes ago, it doesn't look like I get my wish tonight."

Oh Diary ... sometimes women are just so hard to understand!

I wish they came with owner's manuals!!!

HA!!

HA! HA! HA!

(c'mon...laugh with me...)

HA HA HA HA HA!!

Oh Diary...you are TRULY my best friend!!

So, we decided to go to Longhorn Steakhouse for dinner. I thought it might be best to pout throughout the evening due to missing the ballet. I can tell you Diary ... but nobody else...I didn't even WANT to go to the ballet. But ... if I was going to get my way throughout the rest of the evening, it would probably be smart to act hurt that she forgot a special date where we coulda worn tuxes and ball gowns and gone to the ballet and shot rubber bands at the dancers and ... and....and.....

(Uncle Bob takes another chug of beer, belches and continues)

Oh diary...sometimes I feel like you're the only one that TRULY knows me. I mean...we've shared my wet dream story...the time I almost got caught whipping the weasel by my wife...the night I lost my virginity ...

We're tight, dear diary.

I sat through dinner tonight. I pretended to listen to my wife drone on and on about whatever she does at her job wherever it is she works.

But all I did was think of you, Diary.

And I knew ... the sooner this babbling psychotic sitting across the table from me could choke down her steak, the sooner I could be back in your cyber arms. Holding me like only a cyberdiary can hold a grown man who should really have some sort of different hobby than writing such complete and utter bullshit on a website that was never intended for such literary diahrrea.

I missed you Diary.

Things I noticed tonight while eating and missing you (Diary):

* A lot of people keep their elbows off the table while they eat these days. It's good to see manners are in full effect.

* Waiters don't like it when you take everything off your plate and eat directly off the table.

* A lot of times it p*sses them off so bad that they'll get the manager. If you explain to the manager that you're an eccentric thousandaire and will leave a hefty tip at the end of the messy meal, they will usually walk away with dollar signs in their eyes.

* Little children get bored easily in restaurants unless you let them play with the steak knives and that usually quiets them down for a few minutes until an artery is severed.

* The days of walking into a restaurant bathroom stall and announcing "Who wants a quickie" out loud to the occupants of the bathroom are over.

* It's much easier to get out of a restaurant these days without paying that it used to be.

Oh Diary ... I thought about so much more...but that's all I feel like sharing tonight. I do hope you're here tomorrow when I awake. I would so like to spend a little time with you and some other friends and enjoy a hot cup of cocoa and peering into other's lives that are much more interesting than mine.

Jesus Diary...I love the shit outta you...

So...what'd ya think??

If you haven't read it yet,read today's touching tribute to the late Jim "Ernest" Varney

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