MAUREEN REAGAN'S DEAD AND RONNIE CAN'T FIND HIS SLIPPERS

Not much has happened since I last left you except for the fact that I'm ABOUT TO FUCKING PASS OUT like every five minutes.

Thanks Andy. Next time you only want to sleep half the night rather than the full eight hours do it outside, son.

...rabble scrabble kid...

I'll tell ya what though...if one more goddamned newscaster comes on my television screen and bitches about the freakin' heat one more freakin' time, I'm flying coach to New York, tracking down said newscaster and punching them repeatedly in the heart area with all my strength and hope that it's enough to knock them unconscious.

You buncha spoiled Yankee bastards. Bitching and crying that your heat index may top 100 degrees today.

Guess what, you whiny bunch o' fucks? We Southern people live with that shit day in and day freakin' out.

A heat index of a hundred? HALLEFUCKINLUJAH!!!

I would KILL for a heat index of only 100 degrees! Usually down here the temperature is 100 and the heat index is like 413.

And Katie F'n Couric wants to sit in her swanky air conditioned studio and bitch about the heat...

Katie...babe... count your freakin' blessings. The day when you can actually see the steam seeping out of your pores like we do down here...THEN I'll pull out my violin and play some weepy sympathetic tunes for your whiny ass.

Sheesh.

And all these elderly people DYING from the heat. Good God. They'd last about 30 seconds in Alabama before their pace makers melted into their aorta.

Heatwave my ass.

Shut yer damned mouths and suck it up, you whiny Yankees. And be glad you get four seasons each year and not two weeks of weather below 50 degrees and then 50 weeks of intense heat.

Grrrrrrrr....

So Ben Affleck is a drunken bastard.

Gee.

I woulda NEVER saw that one coming.

Sheesh.

Maureen Reagan, daughter of former President Ronald Reagan has died today from cancer.

It's always tough when you have to bury a child.

It's even tougher when you can't remember that you had a child to bury.

The lady that drowned her five kids has pleaded innocent because she's insane.

I'll tell ya what...I'm willing to bet my house that she lost it after one of the kids sat up crying all night the night before.

At 2:30 this morning, I was drawing Andy a bath myself.

THE BATH OF DEATH!!!

(Ominous music plays and slowly fades out)

Honestly, the woman's insane. And I feel sorry for her. She has one particularly bad morning and she loses her whole family as a result. She needs help. She needs someone to listen to her. She doesn't belong in a prison for the rest of her life.

That's just my opinion.

And for God's sakes...can we get the woman some conditioner please? That hair!! Sweetheart ... Head and Shoulders will do wonders for that mangy mop of yours.

Then again ... she's probably not allowed to have baths in jail. You know...the whole drowning thing...

So we're gonna be cloning human beings starting next year, huh?

How much for a Denise Richards?

And finally...Mariah Carey has checked herself out of a hospital and is recuperating from her recent crack overdose at an undisclosed location.

Mariah's debut movie "Glitter" has had its opening pushed back another month until September. Mainly because they didn't want Mariah showing up at the World Premiere in her panties screaming that she's a dog woman, she's a dog woman.

I don't blame the producers. When your star is a bonafide fruit loop like Ms. Carey, I'd push that movie back until Mariah could successfully string two complete sentences together.

Those two sentences being "I'm retiring. Kiss my goofy ass goodbye."

Am I the only one who can imagine the interview she's going to have someday with Barbara Walters when she talks about this recent ordeal as being drug-fueled and how she's completely straight now??

Am I THAT cynical??

I'm finished ranting here.

It's naptime.

Somebody wake me up at 4:59 please.