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06:08:59 - 2000-03-01

A VERY SPECIAL MCDONALDS STORY

What is it with Alabamians and McDonalds?

How long has McDonalds been around? Maybe 300 years??

What does McDonald's have to offer? Burgers, fries, a chicken sandwich, a fish sandwich and some fried shit nuggets that the kids are gaga over.

So why the fuck is it so difficult for these idiots in Alabama to make up their minds at the golden arches?

You want a case in point? I mean ... you deserve a case in point. Hell, it's the least you deserve.

Alrighty then...case in point...

I went to McDonald's drive thru yesterday because time and money was short. Normally, I'd treat myself to a five star luncheon in some bistro, you know...being Uncle Bob and all...but yesterday I decided to mingle with the common folk of this backward state of ours.

As Pat Sajak would say "Awww doggonnit...I hate when that happens..."

It was 12:40 when I pulled up in the drive thru lane. There were eight cars in front of me. I knew I'd be here for at least an hour. Mainly because people down here talk slower than Ronald Reagan and it takes forever for these jackasses to place an order.

"Can I help you?"

"Who me?"

"Yes you."

"Who said that??"

"It's the big menu in front of you with the speaker box sir. I'm inside the building."

"You're inside the speaker box???"

"No sir...I'm inside the building, speaking to you through a speaker. Can I take your order?"

And so on.

So...in my infinite wisdom that is not as infinite as it once was, I made the decision to park the car and go inside.

Oh holy Mary, Mother of God. Don't EVER let me have a serious lapse in judgement like that again.

The place was SWARMING with drooling retards.

And I'm being serious. Horribly mean...but serious.

Apparently, one of the "special" schools was taking a field trip to Mickie D's and was trying to break the world's record for "Most Mongoloids Stuffed Into A McDonalds".

And damned if they didn't have a good chance at breaking the record.

Everywhere you looked, there they were. All making unintelligble sounds with the words "French Fries" being the only distinguishable phrase I could pick out.

At the front of the line was a chaperone with one of the bigger mongos. I mean...he was short...maybe 5'5". But he musta weighed 300 lbs, with his head covering at least 70 lbs. of that body mass.

The chaperone kept asking Louie what he wanted to eat.

All Louie wanted was pizza.

Well guess what Louie?? MCDONALDS DOESN'T FUCKING HAVE PIZZA IN ALABAMA, YOU SHAVED GORILLA!!

The chaperone kept trying to tell Louie there was no pizza there. Which would make Louie slap his own forehead.

And I mean HARD. That kid was beating his forehead like he would get an orgasm from it if he kept it up.

No wonder the fucker was retarded. He was probably perfectly normal until he started playing the drum solo from "In A Gadda Da Vida" on his skull every five minutes.

Why in the HELL this lady wouldn't just admit defeat and order the fucker a Happy Meal is beyond me. It was obvious the kid was never going to say "Well...hmmmm...no pizza...just gimme a burger then."

HE'S RETARDED LADY. PLEASE ORDER FOR HIM.

But nope. She just kept asking the fat fucker who was oblivious to the disgruntled line of people on limited lunch hours growing behind him what he wanted to eat.

Pizza.

I don't have much experience working with the retarded. But something tells me if you start whipping the kid with a leather strap in the middle of McDonalds until he's cowering in a corner, EVENTUALLY he will decide that pizza may not be the most logical choice for lunch at McDonalds.

Finally, another chaperone walked up and told the first chaperone to just order Louie a Big Mac because that's what he likes.

Apparently Louie has the kind of retardation that keeps him from distinguishing restaurants from each other. In his happy little world, the fat fuck was standing in the middle of Pizza Hut. He didn't have any clue as to where he was. Sorta like me throughout my junior year of college.

Finally, the slobbering pile of goo got his Big Mac and "fren fry". Jesus God, I can tell you one thing....that fat lil' bastard LOVED his fren fry. He musta told everyone in the building he was eating fren fry.

Like I give two shits. We're ALL eating fren fry, pal. You ain't no fucking fren fry King.

The next guy in line asked if they were still carrying that Arch Deluxe sandwich.

The cashier said no, they discontinued that years ago.

The man sighed. Then he started slowly going over the menu over the cashier's head, trying to decide what sounded good.

And that's when I left and went to Burger King, where they don't suffer fools lightly. Walk in there and try and order a pizza and you'll get your ass jap-slapped.

My kinda place.

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