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5:50 a.m. - 2001-06-28

A RANDOM COLLECTION OF MEDIOCRE TIDBITS

I've been reading Mick Foley's "Foley Is Good". You know...for a professional wrestler, he is one funny, funny guy.

Anyway, I woke up this morning to a blinking alarm clock because the power went out in the middle of the night. I've got some kinda psychotic thing in my head where if I wake up in the middle of the night, I automatically check what time it is.

I HAVE to always know what time it is. Because if I sleep past 5 a.m., I've wasted my day away.

So I laid there, staring at the blinking alarm clock.

2:41

2:41

2:41

2:42

2:42

2:42

I laid there until the urge to pee was overwhelming as was my desire to know what time it was.

I stumbled out of bed, stumbled down the hallway, peeked into the den and saw the clock said 5 a.m.

I have the most awesome internal alarm clock you can buy, baybee. My mind KNOWS when it's 5 a.m. I myself may be borderline retarded, but my internal alarm clock kicks major ass.

I peed all over the dog who wouldn't get away from the toilet and plopped down in my recliner to read a few more chapters of "Foley Is Good".

Then I came here to write another thrilling installment of Uncle Bob's Diary of Chuckles.

...which ain't all that thrilling...lemme tell ya.

Not if the most major thing I have to talk about is my internal alarm clock.

And trust me...it's all downhill from here...


I cleaned out my file cabinet at work yesterday.

I have been shoving stuff in there with reckless abandon since 1994 according to the stuff I found in there.

I found a ton of old columns that I never had saved on any computer, which was wayyyy cool. I had just typed them out, printed them and then deleted them from the system. So now, I have close to a hundred old columns that have never been recycled on any website or newspaper.

Sadly, I won't be writing humor columns for newspapers anymore after next week. So all these old columns are worthless to me. I sure could have used these all those times when I had writer's block and desperately needed a column to run.

I guess I could always run them here and you guys would never know the difference. I'll just throw in a wide abundance of "shits" and "fucks" and it'll be just like a normal diary entry.

Anyway...

I started giving away my stuff at work yesterday too. That made some people sad, which is starting to piss me off because I'm really happy about leaving and starting a new job while everyone at work is sad that I'm leaving.

I guess I'd be sad too if I was someone else at work and Uncle Bob was leaving. The rest of the people left there are just dipshits and drips. The most fun guy there now will be Drunk-Assed Jamie(TM)and he's rarely there because his daddy owns the place and he comes and goes as he pleases. But while he's there, he's somewhat fun to be around.

Of course, most everyone else in the place resents him because of his lackadaisal attitude at the workplace. I've always just accepted him for what he is...the boss's son. Once you do that, he's easy to get along with.

Anyway, I gave Jamie a six-year-old list of all the strip clubs in Alabama and their addresses as my parting gift to him. He almost got choked up.

"Man," he said. "You're really leaving, aren't you?"

"Duh Jamie," I said, playing off his chronic stupidity. "Yes, I'm leaving."

"I'm gonna cry on your last day," he said.

"And I'm gonna laugh my ass off if you do," I snapped back.

I've now convinced everyone that I will visit them on occasion at the office after I leave. Mainly because my favorite Chinese place in town is just two blocks from the office and I thought that I could call ahead, order my food, pick it up and then go eat at the office and get everyone caught up on my life and get caught up on theirs.

I'll probably do that a few times and then just never go back.

I'm really looking forward to my new job. I have the feeling that once I get situated and understand the structure of the job, I'll ace it.

But I'm beginning to think that I'm really going to miss the newspaper. Having been there longer than everyone else and establishing the relationships that I've had with the community and its people, it's going to be tough to just drop it all and walk away into a job where I'll have to start all over again and won't be a player in the game anymore.

Christ almighty. Did somebody drink one too many ice cold glasses of Melancholy Juice this morning???


Not much else happened yesterday. I stayed home with Andy in the morning. We've got a new game where I startle the shit outta him and he laughs his ass off. Basically, I let it get real quiet while we're playing. Then I make some loud noise and jolt my head toward him real quick. Sure...it's nervous laughter coming from him, but it still cracks me up. Meanwhile, he's just praying I'm not gonna try and eat him or anything.

Nosy Assed Neighbor was about 20 minutes late getting over here. She had to take her 95 year-old mother to the doctor because that's all you can do with people that old...keep taking them back to the doctor and hoping the doctor will offer to put them to sleep for you.

Nosy Assed Neighbor then wanted to hear about my new job, so I half-assed explained it to her and then showed her a few of the books that the company has released, including the one I helped write last year.

"I don't think this company's stable," she said, looking through the books. "What kind of market do they have for books like this?"

THAT'S the reason I can't stand this woman. I appreciate her watching Andy and all for the next few weeks. But she is ALWAYS so quick to badmouth something.

"They're a very stable company," I said. "And the Montgomery book alone sold over 50,000 copies."

"Really?" she said.

Well...no ... not really. I just pulled that figure out of the air to shut her up. And it seemed to work because she shut up for all of five seconds.

I then went to work...cleaned out the file cabinet...blah blah blah...

Went to the grocery store to pick up a few things...dog food, baby food, adult food, ribbed condoms for HER pleasure (it's always about HER, isn't it??).

Came home and Nosy Assed Neighbor asked if we had bought Andy a ball.

I told her no. That we almost did one time, but ended up buying him a stuffed crab instead.

She said she was buying him a ball. And then, just to make sure she got a dig in on me before she left she said "Even though you don't know a thing about sports, I think Andy should be given the chance to play."

Ummmmm...excuse me, you mouthy bitch??

FYI, you lonely bitch who hasn't been laid since the 1970s ... I played every sport you can play as a child. I'm thirty fucking nine years old now and no...I DON'T play a lot of sports right now. Maybe it's because I'm a clumsy oaf. Maybe it's because I'm about as out of shape as a melted candle. Maybe it's because I have an adversity to anything that takes place outside in the humid Alabama summers, you sassy twat. I can see why your husband left you soon after you were married ... he was tired of being put down every time you opened your stinking pie hole. And I now know why your elderly and senile mother is your best friend ... she's the only person you could find who doesn't have the strength to walk out on your canned ham ass. Why don't you get a hobby that doesn't include putting me down every single day of your life and take a flying leap off my fucking ass for a change, you brain-dead wannabe whore?

Of course, I didn't say any of that. I just said "Oh, I bet Andy would like a ball."

I'm such a puss sometimes.

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