IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS ...

Have I told y'all how I'm going to be a millionaire before next year??

It's true! It's true!!

Lemme tell ya about my mother-in-law/nutjob Jan.

Susie's parents divorced in 1980. Since then, Jan hasn't had a date, a boyfriend or sex. It's safe to say, she's become a very bitter woman who resents men. I used to think she was a lesbian, but there's no women that want her either.

Anyway...ever since I've known her, she's been into these "get-rich-quick" plans.

In 1987, she dragged me to some Multi-Level-Marketing pyramid scam. It had something to do with selling cookies. Like I wanted to be a fuckin' cookie salesman.

In 1997, for Christmas, she invested $100 in each of her children's names into some scam that I don't remember the details of. Some corporation outside of America needed help and we were GUARANTEED a healthy payback if we gave them money and let them keep it for three years.

I remember the words "offshore drilling" as being part of the scam.

If we took our money out after one year, it was something like 40 grand. Not bad.

Two years was like $200 grand. Certainly not chump change.

If we take it out this year, the last year they can have it, we get $1,600,000.

Oh. And of course, it's tax free because it's being done illegally in some small country.

Now ... when we all received those documents that Christmas all us kids just stared at them.

Of course, Jan was grinning from ear to ear. She had just given all of her kids the gift of a future where finances were not a problem.

I sat there and silently thought my mother-in-law had completely lost it.

She spent $400 for each of her four kids on this, and she gave them $200 for herself, so she'd have TWICE as many millions this year then any of her children.

That was $600 she could have spent on actual gifts rather than pissing them away. It's like waking up on Christmas and having a stack of lottery tickets. I mean...thanks and all...but you just pissed away a hundred bucks, granny.

Over the years, nothing has really been mentioned about the "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" Christmas gift.

I asked my wife last night when we were going to be getting that million dollars because it sure would come in handy with the kid on the way.

Susie called her mom and asked when we would be getting the money. Her mom hemmed hawed around and finally said "Christmas or so."

She still believes the whole family will be millionaires by 2001.

Only in Alabama, baby.