MISPLACED TERRORISTS

Roadie Pig is so old he makes me look like ... ummmm ... I don't really have a witty jab there, so I'll just leave it at HE'S REALLY OLD.

Happy Birthday Piggie.

Edweird (a man of few words) and I just got back from Home Depot where he was searching for a wall mount to hang a flag on his front porch.

The man has gotten overly patriotic in the last few weeks as his diary would suggest. His parents gave him a flag since they're moving and they don't need it because they're communists now.

So Edweird was going to mount it on the front of his pad.

We spent about ten minutes, slowly walking up and down aisles looking at screws and door hinges and PVC tubing.

Did I ever mention that I HATE these super hardware stores? Not that I actually hate the stores...God bless American commerce and all that jazz...but I just hate having to spend time in them.

I'm the type of guy that waits until I have a buncha crap I need for the house, then I go to these superstores with my list of crap, go straight to the information desk and ask where everything's at, writing down the aisle number for each item.

Or better yet, I grab an employee and make them run around the store and fetch all my crap for me.

That's the thing about Super Home Repair Stores...their employees are always pretty damned perky unless you get an old man named Gus.

Old men named Gus are very rarely perky. That's my daily tip for you.

Anyway, Edweird can't seem to find this flag mount thing, so I grab a woman passing by wearing an orange vest.

"Excuse me," I say. "Where in the holy hell are your flag mounts in this godforsaken warehouse of crap?"

She says they're all out. The mounts come with flags and as soon as they take them off the truck, the flags go out the door because everyone and their damned grandmothers are all patriotic now and they're showing their patriotism and their individualism by hanging flags on the front of their homes.

Three weeks ago,they couldn't give the flags away. Now they're coveted like bonafide acts of God.

So Edweird's a bit ticked but luckily for everyone involved, he keeps his sometimes coarse language in check.

We begin looking for the two items I needed...an O ring for a bathroom sink and a new bathtub drain cover.

We found the things, but you have to know what brand of sink and what size bathtub drain.

Well geez Louise...how the hell should I know what brand sink I have? The silver kind??

So we left with nothing but heavy hearts.

I don't understand hardware store groupies at all. These men, all in their 50s or so...all hanging out in hardware stores. You know...just in case some new state-of-the-art nails come in or something. My God. These guys are more pathetic than your average Dungeons and Dragons player.

...Tee hee!

I had some fruit cocktail with my lunch and the container is sitting on my desk with the leftover juice which is all yellow and looks like a cup of pee.

If anyone comes in here and asks me about it, I'm telling them it's a urine sample. Then I think I'll open it and drink the juice in front of them.

Yep.

That should really win me friends here.

My legs are killing me.

Now, every time my legs hurt, I think "I DON'T WANNA AMPUTATE MY LEGS!!!"

They hurt because they're not used to carting my ass around the neighborhood at 4:30 in the morning...that's why they hurt.

I don't think they need to be amputated. I'm no doctor...but they don't hurt THAT bad. I would think they'd have to ache like a Mariah Carey song ringing in your ears before they consider amputation.

Am I the only one who giggled when the Taliban said that Osama bin Laden was "missing"?

My God...was that a Saturday Night Live skit or CNN??

I can just imagine THAT press conference...

"We are here today in the name of Allah to state that uhhhhh...we've misplaced Sammy. The last time we saw him, he was in uhhhhh...a cave near Kabul. He was uhhhhhh...he was praying and now he's uhhhhhhh....he's gone. Yep. Gone. We can't find him anywhere. He was here earlier, but uhhhh... he just disappeared. So America can call off this whole war thing because he's gone. I think he might be dead. So you guys just uhhhhhhh....go back to your homes and all that...Osama's gone and we can't find him and uhhhhhhh....we promise this isn't a joke and you can take our word for it because uhhhhhhh....we are honorable people unlike you American scum."

They've lost Osama.

What the hell is he...the wheelbarrow token in "Monopoly"?

How the hell do you lose the most wanted man in the world?

Here's a suggestion, oh mighty Taliban leaders...CHECK THE FREAKING CAVE!!

Then again...if there's a Home Depot in Afghanistan, they might want to check there. It'd be pretty easy to get lost in the tub/tile department.

This really just blows my mind...they're all ready to enter a Holy war with the most powerful military force ever on the planet...just as soon as they find their leader.

Donald Rumsfeld said that statement was "laughable".

That's their wily tactics all laid out on the table nice and neat for the world to see.

"We can't find the guy."

Wow.

If this war was a foot race, I think it'd only be fair that we gave them a head start.

Then again...they've already had their head start.

Now it's time to stomp their dicks in the dirt.

Lost their leader.

That's gotta be the dumbest move ever made in the history of mankind.

...Unless you count Mariah Carey's "Glitter".