THE RETURN OF MISSY'S MAGNIFICENT TA-TAS

Y'know...here in our county, it's illegal to shoot off fireworks. But if you want to drive about ten miles north to the county line, spend your weekly paycheck on the bad boys, bring them back and set them off in the streets on the fourth of July, the police won't do anything about it, because our police force is corrupt anyway and have better things to do with their time, like score some crack rock or shit like that.

Actually, there's just wayyy too many people setting off fireworks on the fourth and the police couldn't POSSIBLY arrest them all.

...Because they're all out scoring the crack rock ...

Anyway, last night, as we tried to watch "Snatch", it sounded like we lived in Cambodia outside. I'm sure that when I go out to get the morning paper, there's going to be a shitload of spent fireworks all over my yard.

Then again...the gang member down the street coulda been having a party and there were no fireworks at all last night and I'll find a buncha dead gang members in my front yard who died from having caps blasted in their respective asses.

We'll see...

So my fourth was very lazy. In fact, I never left the house yesterday.

Grilled some deeeelicious ribs (little heavy on the salt though), baked beans (too soupy), corn on the cob (just right), pasta salad (should have cooled the pasta before mixing in the mayo and herbs) and rolls (it's impossible to fuck up rolls...they were just right).

Played with Andy most of the day. Tried to teach him to play Chess, since he's supposed to be soooo advanced but the lil' bastard just wanted to chew the rooks so I got mad and slammed everything off the table and told him he needed to learn how to play games without chewing every g-damned thing in sight if he ever wanted to amount to shit.

The little bitch cried like a baby and acted all like "I'm only eight months old, Daddy".

Screw that shit, boy!

Tee hee!

Actually, we just played with some blocks and all his toys and stuff. Had a rousing game of Peekaboo where there were several times I thought he was actually gone, like "slipped out the back door" gone, only to find out....THERE HE IS!!

This made him smile immensely when he thought he had fooled me into thinking he was gone.

The joys of Peekaboo.

Who'da thunk it?

So yeah...we watched "Snatch" last night. Thank God for subtitles. Them Brits...they talk all funny and shit.

It was a decent flick, although a little confusing for me since I need to be hit over the head with facts before I can understand what the hell's going on. And it also helps if I can distinguish the actors apart from each other ... the only actors I knew in this film were Dennis Farina and Brad Pitt. The rest of them confused me. Not to the point of tears though, which is cool.

Watched "Cast Away" the other night. That one was much easier to follow because it's basically Tom Hanks and a volleyball. I don't want to ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it but wants to ... but when the volleyball kills Tom Hanks ... man...that's some crazy shit, dude. Cast yo' ass AWAY, Tommy Boy!!

My buddy Rad called me last night to tell me yet ANOTHER of my former celebrity crushes has posed nude.

You know how I mentioned Belinda Carlisle from the Go-Gos was in this month's Playboy, right?

Welllll...now wrestling manager Missy Hyatt has started a website where she and some other wrestling females are nude on the site.

When Missy started in the wrestling biz, she had the absolute most gargantulan hooters you have ever seen. Her air bags were bigger than your average midget. And they were all natural.

Then I remember hearing about her having a breast reduction because her mam glands were growing even more!!!

Oh...how my young Bob pee-wee wanted to see nude pics of these glamourous mams!

But Missy would never give Playboy the time of day.

Now, Missy's ummmm...in her mid-30s. She's had a face lift, collagen injected in her lips, and well....she looks like a beat-up old whore.

Don't believe me?

Check my former lust magnet out right here.

Trust me ... in her day...say ... 1985, she was a looker.

How do I know???

Missy lived directly across the street from me in 1986.

Yep ... she and her boyfriend at the time (Eddie Gilbert for you 'rasslin' fans) rented an apartment directly across from me while they wrestled for a federation here in Alabama.

And Missy, whose body was her living, laid out by the pool on every single sunny day, in a tiny little string bikini.

It used to be pretty funny ... the apartment complex was having some renovating done at the time, so Missy would be down at the pool and all these construction workers would be at the clubhouse, putting a new roof on there. But NONE of them would work. They'd just sit there on the roof in silence and stare at her and her amazing ta-tas.

I would never do such a thing.

...Sit on the roof and stare, that is.

Neigh...I had an apartment that overlooked the pool area from my balcony.

Which had curtains.

Which I stood behind and peeked out at Missy.

Which would technically make me a voyeur.

I only acknowledged Missy's presence once. She was carrying some groceries into her apartment and I said "Hi".

She said "Hi" back. But it almost sounded like she said "Wouldn't you like to come in and take a shower with me?"

But no...it was "Hi" alright. Because she put her keys in the door, opened it and then shut it behind her as I stood there, waiting for that shower invitation thing to be asked.

Anyway ... you have to pay to see Missy nude and I don't think I'll be seeing her nekkid.

But ... hey... you know...if any of you guys do...send the pix my way...you know my email.

And tell Missy I'm the master of the loofah.

She'll know what you mean.