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1:00 p.m. - 2002-01-02

THE ONE WHERE GOD MOCKS ME

Well...here I am at work.

As I stated in my earlier entry today...Alabama...we don't handle snow very well.

So, when I woke up this morning and saw that beautiful inch-thick blanket of snow in my front yard, I was convinced...CONVINCED I SAY...that I wouldn't be going to work.

As I sat, staring at the telephone, waiting for the evil boss Wendigo to call me, hiss into the phone "No work! Stay home and play!" it slowly dawned on me that the call was never coming.

I grudgingly got dressed and drove to work.

There was hardly anybody on the road because everyone else got to stay home today.

I got to work and the trees in the field outside my office were beautiful and white with their snowy outfits on.

"I must remember to come out here at lunch and snap some photos of these wonderful creations of God," I reminded myself in a phrase that actually went through my head as "Lookit the trees!"

I sat down at my desk, Wendigo shuffled in and said that if everything went okay, we'd all be out of here around lunchtime. The CEO has said that he doesn't want anyone here who feels uncomfortable driving in this mess.

NONE of us feel comfortable driving in this. For us to drive in snow is like for most people to drive through valleys of blood. You've never done that. And we've never driven through snow.

As Wendi walked back to her office, I looked outside.

The snow had stopped falling.

"Sonofabitch!" I screamed so that the entire building could hear me. "This sucks shit! Snow, goddammit...SNOWWWWWWW!!!!"

No snow.

I sat under my desk for a few minutes, pouting.

The temperature got up to a balmy 35 degrees.

Snow started falling off trees in clumps.

"DAMMIT!!!", I screamed again. "THIS IS NOT FAIR!! DO YOU HEAR ME, GOD?? IT'S ME, MARGARET!! MAKE IT SNOW, DAMN YOU, MAKE IT SNOWWWWWWWWW!!!"

God was taking a crap or something. Because it didn't start snowing.

By lunchtime, I ventured outside with my trusty HP Digital Camera by my side to take photos of those glorious snow-covered trees that...that...that had no snow on them.

Edweird and I went to the mall so he could get his daily Chick Fil-A fix. I had a sausage roll from Sbarro. Yes, my diet's going just fine, thanks for asking.

We then went to Circuit City so Edweird could get the DVD of "Freddie Got Fingered" which is his new favorite movie. I haven't seen it, but Edweird says it's the best comedy ever released. He says Tom Green's a comedic genius and the movie should win lots and lots of Oscars in March.

He got his DVD and as we were leaving, I was pelted in the face with something that felt like a mix of freezing rain and snow.

I looked to the skies.

God had gotten off the crapper and was doing his best to answer my wishes. And even though it wasn't straight snow, it was a mix of some pretty icy precipitation and that counts for something.

Coming back to the office we approached an elevated bridge.

Sure enough, I slid.

Luckily, it didn't end in a fiery auto crash and I'm writing this from Heaven. But I did feel the car pull ever so slightly.

It's 1:15 p.m. and it doesn't look like we'll be going home anytime soon.

My life sucks.

I mean...I've got cable TV and that's pretty cool and all. But other than that...my life sucks.

Plus ... it's cold in my office.

And I forgot to take my Avandia today.

And I wanted sex last night but was too tired to initiate it and so now I'm hornier than a roomful of unicorns.

But hey.

My in-laws are gone.

Not dead. Just gone. And that's better than nothing, I guess.

Anyway.

It sucks that the snow's melting.

Granted, Andrew's too young to get out and play in it...but it would have been nice to just take him outside, roll him around on the ground for a while in it and have a snowball fight with him.

Mainly because I feel pretty confident that's one snowball fight I could win. The kid throws like a girl when he can manage to get a ball to leave his hands.

Oh!

Today's his 14-month birthday!

I didn't even realize it until just now.

Dammit.

I forgot to take something/anything out of the freezer for dinner.

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

With a day like today, I need to just log onto Amazon and buy a few DVDs or something to get my spirits back up.

I doubt that even does the trick.

But hey...at least I'll try.

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