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5:43 a.m. - 2001-08-13

MONDAY ALREADY??

Gay Wayne... I'd rather have my nipples chewed off by rabid chipmunks with severe underbites and surly little chipmunk attitudes than have to play some silly little computer game where I get to shoot people...how fucking novel!

Thanks for the invite though...


Sooooo...you're probably dying to know...did the preacher sit with me at church yesterday??

Well...yes and no.

Since Susie and I were greeters, we were the last ones to sit down.

And there were two seats next to the preacher and his wife.

So I asked if they were taken and he said no.

So we sat there.

So yeah...I sat next to my preacher ... my idol.

..My dreamboat...

Alright...that's enough. I like the guy. I DON'T wanna sex him up.

Sheesh.

What's WRONG with you people?!?


Consequently, it was the last sermon given by the evil interim preacher.

THANK GOD!

She threatened that it would be tough for her to "get through" the sermon.

Yeah right.

She just seemed so fake to me. She always had this huge smile on her face that she was obviously straining to produce.

So during her sermon, she compared her serving the congregation for eight weeks to the movie "Doc Hollywood".

She was hesitant on coming from Conneticut to Alabama for eight weeks because she didn't know what to expect.

I guess she expected us to house pigs and cows in the church and have a floor made of hay and dirt.

...It's just hay, thank you very much.

But now, she's fallen in love with our church and "wanted to stay".

My heart dropped. If evil interim preacher was threatening to stay...well then...I was just going to have to leave.

Luckily, Brian was there and gently took her aside and told her she sucked and he wanted his f'n church back.

She hissed and smoke came out her ass. Then she slithered off the pulpit, never to rear her ugly head up there again.

And I was overjoyed. Evil interim preacher gone...my buddy back.

Life is good. You know...except for all the bad parts.


We had an ice cream social at church last night. That's where everybody brings either ice cream, toppings, cakes or cookies and everyone eats 'em up.

We took brownies. So did about 30 other people.

We get there to church and who pops up but our two nephews, Porn Surfer and Potentially Gay Nephew.

They don't even go to our church. They go to this crappy little church on the other side of town. But a few years ago, our church was DESPERATE for a youth group, since we only had about three kids in the church. So Susie would bring our niece and nephews to church on Sunday afternoons to be part of the youth group.

Now our church has enough kids to have its own youth group.

But my lazy assed sister-in-law insists that the kids keep coming to OUR youth group meetings so that she can have a few hours away from them.

So anyway...the nephews come running up to hug us because these kids were raised to hug every goddamned adult they see...even though they're teenagers now and it's slightly uncomfortable for all adults involved.

So Susie says "What are you guys doing here?", but says it in a nice "Aunt" way.

I mumble "They must have smelled the free food."

Susie elbowed me. But it's true. The Porn Surfer is 13 and weighs approximately 180 lbs. He's a fat little fucker and he gets his appetite from his Dad, whose appetite is legendary in these here parts.

So people start gathering around the dessert table, waiting for someone to say a blessing before all the ice cream melts.

My nephew, the fat little 13 year-old porn surfer who doesn't even go to our church, gets FIRST IN LINE.

I don't know WHY this embarrassed me.

Is it because he doesn't go to our church and was getting in front of the elderly women of the church?

Maybe.

Is it because he's a chunky little glutton who brought attention to his predicament by acting like a starving dog with a styrofoam bowl and a spoon in his hand?

Possibly.

Is it because he's chronically addicted to looking up porno on my computer and just makes me feel uncomfortable by his perverted presence?

Could be.

Whatever it is, I just wanted to yank the kid back by his fat little neck and tell him to let those that actually BROUGHT SOMETHING to the table to go first.

The blessing is said and Porno Boy starts digging in.

He's holding up the line because he's scooping ice cream VERRRRRRRRRRRY slowly. It's just him...taking his sweet assed time making everything in his bowl perfect while people groan loudly behind his fat ass.

I wanted to yell "C'mon you fat ass! The ice cream's melting!"

But I didn't. Only because we were in the Lord's House. Had we been in Old Country Buffet or some shithole like that, the kid woulda been mine.

So then, the nephews have to sit with Susie and I and Andy.

Porno Boy is eating his mound of ice cream with fervor while Potentially Gay Nephew can't keep his hands off Andrew.

"I want to hold him," P.G.N. whines.

"He's not feeling good," I said. "And he's trying to eat."

"But I want to holllllllld himmmmmmmm," the little Potentially Gay Kid says.

"Look," I said quietly. "Andrew is trying to eat and you're NOT going to hold him while he's eating. You got that??"

The little snit folded his arms across his chest and made his pouty face.

I almost backhanded him out of his chair.

Can you tell I don't really care for my nephews yet?

Then my niece shows up. She's almost 17 and wears camouflauge every single damned day of her life.

She's very militant. If you get my drift.

So she walks up and lazily hugs me because it's her duty to hug me and make me uncomfortable.

I'm not a hugger. Sorry. I wasn't raised in a huggy family. I'll hug my wife. I'll hug my kid. But hugging 17 year old kids makes me uncomfortable. We're well past the stage where your hugging was cute. Now back off, kid before I bite a chunk out of your forehead.

Porno Boy finishes his dessert. He had grabbed three large cookies and taken a bite out of each before he threw those away, which also irritated the shit outta me. Not only is he a glutton, but a wasteful glutton at that.

The social ended and we said our goodbyes. The nephews and niece came up to hug us goodbye, since hugging us hello is never enough for these kids.

I always give 'em halfassed hugs. They'll hug me and if they're lucky, I'll lazily throw an arm around their head. That's it.

Porno Boy said "See you tomorrow!"

WTF??

Apparently, Grandma is watching Andy today...and bringing the three of them to our house since she has to watch them too.

So once again, I've gotta shut down the computer and tell Porno Boy that it's broken before I leave...fire up the Play Station for Potentially Gay Nephew to play, and hug the niece for an extended period of time because she hasn't figured out that if your hug isn't being reciprocated, maybe it's time to quit hugging.

Andy's sick this morning with a cold and teething. He's in a foul mood.

If Potentially Gay Nephew even attempts to hold him, I'm beating the kid within an inch of his life.

LEAVE.ANDY.ALONE.

That's my rule of the day.

I'm in a piss poor mood this morning.

Welcome to Monday.

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