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20:19:58 - 2000-02-23

SPACE AGE MONKEY STUD

I go to the grocery store this afternoon because that's what I do when we run out of food at home.

I'm walking down the snack food aisle when I see Gardetto's Snack Mix. It's $2.48 a bag. Last week, it was 2 for $3.

I fuckin' love Gardetto's Snack Mix. It's the yummiest bag of cholesterol-coated shit you can eat.

So ... for some reason, I just zone out in front of the snack mix. In my mind, I could not fathom the price of anything jumping that dramatically in one week. It blew my fragile little mind.

I literally said aloud "Jeez Louise". THAT'S how shocked I was.

Through my periphreal vision, I could tell someone's trying to get past me as I have turned into a drooling mongoloid staring at the pretty snack mix bags, leaving my cart to block the entire aisle.

"Excuse me," this pretty blonde woman said.

"Oh God," I said. "I'm sorry."

I pushed my cart away, hoping like hell that she hadn't heard me say "Jeez Louise" out loud. Then I realized there was no way she COULDN'T have heard it. I thought I was alone in my little Aisle 7 cocoon so I blurted it out like Moses reading the Ten Commandments.

I decided to do two things. One was to cover up my tracks for sounding like an idiot for saying Jeez Louise while staring at food products.

And two...I was going to harmlessly flirt.

I turned around and smiled and said "I was just marveling at the prices."

What a stupid fucking thing to say. Sure...there's stupider things I could have said....

"My God...did you just fart?"

"You'd never believe this...but I have a green penis."

"I think I want to follow you home."

So at least I didn't say anything dumber than that.

The woman gave me a big smile and said "Yeah, they keep getting higher."

Check and mate.

There was really nothing left to say. Prices DO keep getting higher. I could have agreed with her, like a kiss-ass student sucking up to a college professor as their last resort to pass a class. But hey... I'm a married man. She had a ring on her finger. Nothing was going to come of anything I would have said anyway, so let's all just get our shopping done and be on with the day.

I pay for my groceries and leave and see the woman loading her groceries in her SUV.

And as I'm putting my groceries in the trunk, she's pulling out of the parking lot.

Slowly.

Watching me.

Craning her neck watching me.

....

That was pretty cool. I haven't had a woman ... hell...a good looking woman...wreck while checking me out since...heh...college.

My train of thought just derailed ... and since I just read about Becca flashing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles a few minutes ago on my message board, I guess I'll share a quick story from 1982.

I was (once again) working for the World's Fair in Knoxville. I worked as a parking lot attendant. What that meant was, every day for about six hours, I sat in a lawn chair in front of a parking lot and made sure only people with the correct stickers parked in my lot. Easy money.

My parking lot was right outside this girl's dorm on campus. One quiet afternoon, I was sitting in my chair reading and I heard a voice yell "Hey! Want a show??"

I looked up and saw three girls standing in a window across the street from me. Before I knew what was going on, all three lifted their tops up and flashed me. I applauded and gave them two thumbs up. They then all mooned me. This time they got a standing ovation.

Then one of them decides to go the full frontal route and show me her honey canyon.

Her friends (those horrible, horrible bitches) thought otherwise and pulled her out of the window before I could get a glimpse and pulled the shades.

A nice way to cap off another day in the rat race.

That was a dumb story with no point.

Just wanted to show that I can pull some really dumb stories out of my ass too.

Banky doesn't have a corner on the dumb story market, y'know.

Nude photos taken of me earlier today.

If ya wanna check out my other website, updated daily with a REAL diary PLUS my diary this day in 1980 , click here

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