I'M STILL ALIVE ... MOST OF ME ANYWAY

Ummmm...hi.

I thought I'd check in BRIEFLY to fill you in on what's been going on this weekend.

On the plus side, I've yet to be hungover and/or vomit.

On the negative side ... I'm so fucking exhausted.

For the last two days, I've been drinking steadily (Mattie Gee suggested "pacing myself" at 6 p.m. Friday night before the Festival opened, after I just finished my first six pack. I just snorted at him and opened my 7th beer).

There's a reason I only party like this once a year...because my body can no longer handle it.

Anyway... Jubilee has been great so far. The highlight for EVERYONE was last night when the Mothership landed and George Clinton and Parliament burst onto the stage.

My God. Did your Uncle Bob get funky.

I haven't screamed and danced like this at a concert in forever.

I felt like I was 17 again. Every song the band played, me and my posse (Mattie Gee, my boy Eddie Lavoie, Mattie's old roommate K.J. ...ummmmm...there were more ... but I was too drunk to remember them...oh yeah...Mattie's brother Danny and one of Mattie's bass-playing buddies, Chris.

Like it fucking matters who was with me.

Sheesh. I'm tired.

Anyway ... 5-6 white professional men in a sea of black people.

And me ... wearing the ugliest woman's hat you will ever see (yes ... pics were snapped... NO...I doubt you'll see them) and sunglasses in the middle of the night, waving my hands in the air (like I just didn't care...and it felt GOOD DAMMIT!!) I must have chanted "We ... Want ... The Funk!!" a thousand times if I chanted it once.

"Bow Wow Wow Yippee Yo Yippee Yay, Bow Wow Yippee Yo Yippee Yay" is my saying of the weekend. I CAN'T stop saying it in a low baritone.

It was a sweaty, funky good time. Best concert I've seen in years.

Yep...I'm getting old if The P-Funk All Stars is the best show of the year.

Tonight...Joan Jett with Canadian heroes Loverboy ... Hank Williams Jr. (to check out the redneck chicks) ... and Los Straitjackets.

The kids are pretty hyped up over Ginuwine being on tonight. Toni Braxton's little sister will be here (woot! woot!) and N-Toon, which will have shitloads of people in the crowd, simply because I called mistakenly referred to them as N-Sync in the paper this week.

Oh, silly me.

I've done quite a few stupid things this weekend, thank you to the demon alcohol.

Y'see...when I drink...I have FUN.

And everyone else around me is forced to join in. If you don't wanna have fun ... then don't give Uncle Bob alcohol.

I know I gave some kids sips of my beer in the elevator.

Last night, at 1 a.m. I stood by the elevators and begged good looking women to get out of the elevator and come to our depressing party of a buncha guys sitting around a hotel room trying to find something on TV.

My "mentor" for me when I was a deejay showed up at the party. "Johnny Jam" taught me quite a bit about deejaying...it's a long story about me and him. Maybe someday I'll tell you about him.

Not today.

It goes without saying, the feelings between he and I aren't good ones.

Heh. That was SUCH a shitty sentence.

I'll have a full report on the weekend on Monday ... maybe Tuesday if I'm physically exhausted.

Oh...I had Alligator on a Stick on Friday night.

....not bad...tasted like crocodile...

Heh. I made that joke up Friday night and thought I was the funniest bastard on the planet.

Everyone else just stared at me as I cackled loudly at my own joke.

Oh. And I ended up in bed with a blonde who could pass for a professional...ahem...dancer.

All that and more in tomorrow's ....um....shit...diary entry I guess.

Sorry folks ... coasting on fumes over here. I shoulda been here last night, firing off witty "Alligator on a Stick" lines one after the other.

Or ya'll shoulda been there.

Next year...a contest...win an all expense paid trip to Montgomery's Jubilee CityFest to spend the weekend with Uncle Bob and other assorted funboys.

Females only please.

Loose females only please.

Loose females that could pass for hot strippers only please.

Bleached blonde, fake boobed, loose females that could easily pass for hot, money-grubbing strippers only please. All others need not apply.

Basically .... the hottest, fakest, most superficial, materialistic slut that mails me 12 or more nude pictures of herself will be the winner of the "Win A Weekend With Uncle Bob And His Loser Buddies".

How's that for a contest??

(Bob waits nervously by his mail box for the entries to just start rolling in).