MR. PERFECT IS ASHAMED OF ME

This little tidbit is for that ONE person out there who thinks "Gee...that Uncle Bob...he sure is cool!"

...You know...if there still IS one person out there thinking that.

I AM NOT COOL.

I AM SUCH A GEEK THAT IT'S NOT FUNNY.

Want an example??

Great!! I brought one with me!!

Yesterday, my visiting friend/loser Scott and I go to this Buckmasters tournament to take some pictures of celebrities and do a few interviews.

The ONLY reason I was going was because my sports editor knows I'm a wrestling fan (GEEK FACT #1) and he thought I might enjoy meeting the wrestlers.

We get to the lodge where there's a "Meet and Greet" going on. All the celebrities are sitting at tables and people are being ushered in to get autographs, pictures and shake hands.

The wrestlers in attendance were Curt "Mr. Perfect" Hennig, Rick Steiner and the Harris Brothers.

I'm not a big fan of any of them, but I had watched them for years.

Okay.

Geek time.

I was STAR STRUCK.

I COULD NOT talk to any of them.

I was SUCH a weiner.

Folks, I've interviewed my share of celebrities over the years. I've gotten into an argument with Ray Charles, I've had members of Cheap Trick get pissed with me, I've had Miss America show me her panties.

Why in God's name I was TERRIFIED to talk to Mr. Perfect is beyond me.

I walked over to the lady in charge, who knew I was going to be there. I introduced myself and we talked for a few minutes.

Finally, she said "Well ... your Sports Editor told me you were a big wrestling fan (gulp...asshole...), are you ready to meet the wrestlers?"

I froze.

"Ummmm...they're REAL busy," I said. "I don't think I really need to meet them."

"Nonsense," she said (she really said "Nonsense". I didn't know people said that anymore). "I'm sure one of them needs a break and wouldn't mind talking to you."

Okay.

I was PANICKING.

I mean...I totally FREAKED.

"Just send me some press releases on Monday," I said, backing away. "My friend really needs to be heading back to town. I'll talk to them next year, I promise."

God.

I was like a little girl backstage at an 'N Sync concert.

So I got some pictures...I'm sure they didn't turn out because I didn't get close to the celebrities.

I was such a wuss.

I'm so embarrassed for myself.

I'm an idiot.

I am.

Oh. And Irlene Mandrell was there.

I had the BIGGEST crush on Irlene Mandrell when I was in high school.

She still looked pretty hot.

Except she was wearing camoflauge and stomping around in some heavy assed hunting boots.

I stood outside the women's bathroom as she walked up to use it.

I nodded my head, smiled and said "Hi".

She smiled and said "Hi", opened the door, went inside and probably urinated.

All those years of fantasizing over her while masturbating came to a culmination of me standing on the other side of a door while she peed.

I shoulda just thrown the door open and made mad passionate love to her on the toilet.

Yeah.

Of course...then I'd spend the next ten years in prison where every time I went to pee, someone would throw open the door and make mad passionate love to me.

And his name would be "Knuckles".

For those of you who are halfway curious, some of the other celebrities included baseball great Wade Boggs, country group Montgomery Gentry, the guitar player from Three Doors Down and some other people who I either didn't recognize or didn't care about.

I'm a geek.

And Mr. Perfect knows it.

_____________________________________

Speaking of geeks ... my buddy Scott ...

We've been friends now for 13 years ... but the last six or so he's lived in Indiana.

I know I went into detail about him the other day. Here's some more details.

He just finished his second "journal", had it printed, bound and is giving copies away to family and friends.

His first "journal" detailed his family's first trip across the United States from a few years back. Scott calls them "six-month-vacations". I call them "running away from reality".

The new "journal" details their trip last summer to Alaska. At least ... it's supposed to.

I started reading it and MY GOD ... it is bizarre.

When I first met him, he was an Agnostic. He didn't think there was a God and he would debate that fact with anyone who cared to listen.

He then found Christ.

Now he won't shut up about Him.

In his "journal" he says that God keeps telling him to write.

I feel like calling him and saying "God isn't telling you to write. He's telling you to "do right"."

Scott is a HORRIBLE writer.

Take the absolute worst writer in Diaryland. Me for instance. Multiply that by ... oh...I'd say about a billion...

...You have Scott.

He leaves words out of sentences, his spelling is atrocious, his grammar is horrible.

But...because God keeps telling him to write ... he keeps writing. He quit his job because God told him to. God told him to quit his job and write because that's what God has planned for him.

A few years ago, Scott sent out a number of pieces to different publishers, magazines, newspapers, hoping to get a gig somewhere.

He got rejected from EVERYONE.

And he STILL shows off those rejection letters with pride.

I'm reading this journal last night after he left my house and at one point, he goes on a three-page long diatribe on how NOBODY will give him feedback on his writings and how that bothers him. Here's a portion of that passage verbatim:

"The way I see it, and you tell me if I am wrong, if shortly after coming to believe in Christ, I developed this irresstible (sic) need to express myself through writing, wouldn't that be an indication of what the Lord wanted me to do? In any case, I have written extensively over the pass (sic) eight years and have amassed a considerable quantity of written material. I have shared some of my material with those around me, and without exception Norma has been the only one who ever encouraged me to continue.

It amazes me that over the past decade I have had several jobs, lived in different states, bought and sold two homes, traveled across the country and through it all I have always written. So why don't the people closest to me understand that I am compelled to do this? And if they do understand, why don't I get some kind of feedback on what I write? Even negative comments, if well meaning, would be extremely helpful. It's hard to judge yourself and improve your craft when no one seems to care about what you're doing or who you are."

The fact is, he's a very sensitive and defensive person. The few times I've tried to offer him constructive criticism, he blew up like I was burning his child with a lit cigarette.

And the audacity to put this kind of stuff in there ... it almost made me feel like shit. ALMOST. He printed up 50 of these "journals" and hands them out to friends and family. I'm sure any of those 50 people who bother to actually read this crap probably feels the same way.

He already has a small audience as it is. Then to blast that small audience with crap like this blows my fucking mind, man.

At one point in the "journal", he goes on for EIGHT TYPED PAGES about how his transmission SLOWLY went out on him during this trip.

One full page details going up a hill, pulling their travel trailer behind them extremely slowly. What could have been described in two sentences takes him an entire page.

THAT'S why we don't like your stuff, you moron.

Anyway ... he's really gone off the deep end. He only does what "God" tells him to do.

He's currently working 15 hours a week in a battery store because that's what "God" told him to do.

Meanwhile, his wife is the true bread winner of the family, working two jobs to make ends meet.

You tell me.

Is it time to dump this zero and get wit' a hero?