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05:46:32 - 2000-03-21

THE HORRIFYING ORIGIN OF MRS. BOB AND BOB

I've told this story before on my other site , but I'm at a loss for time here ...5:20 a.m. and I'm already running late, how stressed do you think I'll be by 9 a.m.??

Anyway....here's the story of how me and my wife met and all that jazz.

It was 1986 (sadly...a year that few of you remember vividly). I was doing stand-up at the comedy club in town and hung out with some of the waitresses, but one of them I had never spoken to, because she was the kinda woman I was in awe of.

Blonde. Big smile. Bigger boobs.

I was in lust basically.

One night, before I went onstage, I asked Mandy about the blonde waitress.

"Her name's Susie. She's dating Ron. She's taken."

Fine.

Ronnie Ron, in 1986, was like THE SHIT of southeastern comedy stages. He was quickly getting up there with Seinfeld and Sinbad as an up-and-coming star. He won the Funniest Man of the Year contest in 1985. I had seen him one time in a club in Nashville and he SLAYED me. Hilarious guy.

And this woman was dating him????

I got onstage, did my act and kept looking into the darkness to see if I could find Susie to see if she was getting into my act.

Nope. Just taking orders quietly. Not paying any attention to me.

At the time, I would do my act at the Club, and as soon as we closed down there (before 10 pm), I would jet over to another club, where I would deejay from 10 pm to close.

THEN get up in the morning and go to my job as a bank teller from 9-5.

I had a LOT of energy and gumption in my younger days. Now I'm content to sit here and rail against the world in a one-man protest.

ANYWAY... one night I told Mandy that if they got the chance and felt like it, to come out to the dance club after they cleaned up the club.

...And to bring Blondie...

It was a Tuesday night and the dance club was dead. Maybe 30-40 people in there, but the place held 350. I had a female friend in the booth who I worked with at the bank...Cathy. It was her birthday, and I was getting her drunk for the occasion. Our relationship was strictly platonic and even though a lot of my friends had crushes on her, she wasn't my type.

The front door opened, and I could see it was Mandy, Melanie (one of the bartenders from the club) and Susie. Melanie stopped at the bar to hug all over one of Stag's bartenders while Mandy and Susie walked up to the deejay booth.

Micki spoke first.

"Susie, Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob, Susie. I'm gonna go get a drink...anybody need anything?"

Blunt and to the point.

I introduced Cathy's drunk ass to Susie, then ushered Cathy out of my booth and down to the bar with her friends while Susie took her seat on the barstool of love.

We made lots of small talk. She was the head waitress in a fancy restaurant downtown during the day and took the job at the comedy club because she liked to laugh.

I asked her if she liked my act.

She said she's usually taking orders during my act (I came on first).

POW! ZING! OWWWWWWW!!!

Anyway...I laid on the Uncle Bob charm ... via shitloads of shooters. Soon I had Blondie VERY drunk.

A few hours later, Mandy came up and asked Susie if she was ready to go home.

"I can take her home" I offered.

Susie agreed to let me drive her home.

We never made it back to her house. We made it as far as mine.

We got naked but didn't have sex. As luck would have it, the alcohol (or my naked body) had her vomiting throughout the evening.

It had been about four-six months since I had been laid at this point. And the one time I'm standing over a naked woman, she's regurgitating in my toilet.

The next day, she woke up and was slightly embarrassed and madly hungover. She asked if we could try it again at another date.

I had seen her naked. I was impressed with what I saw. I did not get to sample the forbidden fruit....

Sure...what time do I pick you up? As soon as you get the puke outta yer hair??

I went out with her again and again and again. She broke up with Ron the day after we got together. He travelled all the time and she never saw him. (A side note...a few months later I actually opened for Ron, and he brought up the fact ONSTAGE that I had stolen his woman from him. Talk about uncomfortable. But afterwards, we went out on a night on the town and got totally trashed to prove there were no hard feelings.) Soon, she moved into my apartment which forced my roomie "Dick" to move out.

Then... about six months into our relationship, she had quit the comedy club and came to work at the dance club where she made more money and we could work together all night.

(Which worked, believe it or not. BUT...at the time we were young and in love. If I had to work with her today, I'd kill her)

One Saturday night ... I had drank a few beers while spinning the records.

Alright...a LOT of beers.

And ... well...that day ... I had bought an engagement ring without Susie knowing.

So...with a full dance floor going, I stopped the music.

I got on the microphone and asked people to bear with me for a minute.

I explained that there was someone in the crowd tonight that I had fallen madly in love with over the last six months, and I couldn't wait any longer to ask her a question.

I called Susie up to the booth and over the microphone, I asked her to marry me.

Incredibly cheesy ... I know. Cut me some slack...I am a romantic drunk.

Thank God she said yes.

I put on Elvis Presley's "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You" and we went to the dance floor and slow danced while the audience watched.

Still today, people remember that evening from 13 years ago. We still meet people that were either there that night or heard about it.

The thing that I've learned from typing this in today is how she has NEVER been a "fan" of my work.

She has read maybe a handful of columns that I've written over the last nine years.

She NEVER liked my stand-up and thought I was much funnier offstage than on.

She knows all about this diary, but has no interest in reading it.

She never watched any of the TV shows I've done.

She never listens when I'm on the radio.

Whatever it may be, she has never thought I was anything special.

And I think that's why I still love her.

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