MTV MAKES ME WANT TO SMOKE CRACK

Hey kids, the bitch is back!!

(Me)

So now then...after I updated this piece of shit yesterday, I took the dog for a walk.

Ahhhh...my morning walk with my dog. So peaceful. So relaxing. So....

WHAT'S THIS??

IT'S THOSE TWO G-DAMNED WHITE TRASH MUTTS THAT I SAID I'D HAVE PUT IN THE POUND IF I EVER SAW THEM OUT OF THEIR YARD AGAIN!!!!

And they're coming STRAIGHT FOR US!!!

At 90 miles per hour!!!

So the dogs come screaming and snarling at us and my dog does her best job of trying to defend herself and me against these dogs.

Personally, I think I coulda whupped the dogs without my dog barking at them, but I try to let her feel like she's a productive member of the family and if her barking at fucked-up white trash mutts makes her feel useful, who am I to stop her?

I stomped once in the dog's direction and they backed off. Still snarling. Still foaming at the mouths with no tags on. But they backed off.

So, I held true on my promise to their white trash owner that I gave him on Monday morning.

I called the dog pound.

I have to add, since Monday, this white trash family has taken in ANOTHER dog...this one being a Chow that had been wandering around the neighborhood for the last couple of weeks and had been hanging with the two white trash dogs in their little misadventures.

So all three dogs were carted off.

To get them back, the white trash family must pay $50 per dog, plus an extra $10 per day that they DON'T pick them up.

I asked the pound guy if the dogs would be put to sleep after a certain amount of time.

He doubted it.

I asked the pound guy if there was any way that the dogs could be torn apart limb by limb for my own personal amusement.

He doubted that too.

As of last night, those dogs weren't back in their yard. I'm sure the owners think that they'll be coming home any minute now for some food, since it's the owners who let the dogs run free.

Snicker snicker.

That's thirty bucks more each day that the owners just don't give a shit about their dogs.

And the pound won't call the white trash to tell them they have their dogs because the dogs don't have any tags on, which is against the law, thankyouverymuch.

Lesson of the day??

DON'T FUCK WITH UNCLE BOB AND HIS TRUSTY SIDEKICK ON A LEASH, MAGGIE MAY.

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Went to another press conference yesterday. Luckily for everyone involved, I didn't choke on my saliva.

Made it on the TV news though once again, keeping my record alive for being the one guy seen on more newscasts than Dan Rather.

I've GOT to come up with a new Press Conference look though. The old one of nodding my head like I'm actually listening to what's going on has gotten old.

I'm the head-nodder guy. And I SURE AS HELL don't want that on my tombstone.

Uncle Bob

1962-2035

"That bastard could sure nod his head"

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Watched the MTV Video Awards last night and I don't know why.

I have REALLY gotten out of touch with today's music. Out of all the songs nominated for awards, I might have known 8 of them.

My thoughts on the awards, which I'm sure will be shown dozens of times this weekend:

* The Wayans Brothers are about as funny as burnt toast. The deafening silence following each of their "jokes" was embarrassing for even me. I cringed every time they tried to be funny ... the audience was SOOOO not into them. I've often said Damon Wayans was the only humorous one of the whole clan, and last night that was proven. I GUARANTEE YOU ... these boys won't be back next year.

* The highlight of the show was when the bass player for Rage Against The Machine took way too many drugs and climbed up on one of the structures on stage and wouldn't come down. He basically stopped the show for ten minutes while security tried to get to him to beat his drugged-out ass. That was funnier than anything the Wayans Brothers have ever done in their whole fucking career.

* If you're going to call a song "Untitled", DON'T subtitle it "How Does It Feel". The song is UNTITLED, you fucking ignorant piece of incoherant shit. You don't TITLE UNTITLED songs. I just wanted to punch out my TV screen. Alas...my arm's still in a sling, so any punch I would have thrown would have been a jab that maybe flew two inches and at a very slow rate. In other words, I couldn't punch out a fly if I wanted to.

*There were NO surprise guests, with the exception of the founder of Napster showing up on stagewearing a Metallica T-shirt. Of course, Metallica's drummer Lars Ughrich had to show his stupidity by pretending to be asleep in the audience while the guy was on stage. I fucking HATE Lars now. I got my revenge when Lars took to the stage and the reception was NOT a warm one. It was a room temperature reception at best. Fuggin' asshole.

* The reason rap and R&B is so popular is because apparently THAT'S ALL MTV PLAYS ANYMORE. I like some rap...there have been many days where I walk around proclaiming that indeed, it is I who is the real Slim Shady. But c'mon...isn't this why they invented BET?? Gimme some music I can snap my fingers to, dammit!

* "A performance by Blink 182 that you have to see to believe" is what we were promised. I was excited at the prospects. Maybe they'd be playing upside down in vats of root beer or perhaps playing naked with gerbils seeping out of their asses.

Nope. They played with a bunch of midgets running around the stage.

God bless the midgets. They're always good for a laugh. Just like puppies and kittens, they're just so damned cute when they're little.

* Kid Rock is one lucky, lucky bastard to even have a career. He looks like he should be cleaning my windshield at red lights with loogeys and rags.

* And the fashionable days of wearing your pants so low that the tops of your boxers show around your waist are over. Now it's cool to have ALL of your boxers showing, with the waist of your pants down around your knees.

And that, my friend, is some real fucked up shit.

* I'm pretty damned sure that was the LAST MTV music awards show that I ever waste my time watching again.

Now then...if you'll excuse me, I have a dog to walk.

...And a snicker or two to emit as I stroll past the white trash house.

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QUESTION OF THE DAY

Is Popular music getting worse every year or am I just getting too old?