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5:37 a.m. - 2001-09-07

I WANT MY MTV...TO JUST GO THE HELL AWAY

Sooooo...the MTV Music Awards...

I REALLY feel sorry for teenagers today. No wonder they're all screwed up...they have NO good music to listen to.

NONE.

ZILCH.

Oh sure...they may get all defensive and say "But Uncle Bob...what about Mudvayne?"

Holy Christ. We're talking about four guys who put fake bullet holes in their head and fake blood all over their face and clothes and play music that sounds like somebody's tugging hard on Satan's scrotum.

WHOOOHOOOOO!!! INSPIRING!

I didn't get a chance to see the entire Awards show, as I had to clean house because the carpet cleaners are coming today and the wife thinks that "Carpet Cleaning" means "Maids coming to clean the house for me". Wrong, honey. The Carpet Cleaners will move furniture out of the way. They won't pick up boxes of your winter clothes and old check statements and dirty clothes and old newspapers and magazines and dirty dishes.

They're only here to clean the carpet. That's it, Sweetie.

Anyway...I saw the beginning of the Awards. Jamie Foxx was about as funny as stomach cramps in church. You know you're bombing when you tell a joke in front of thousands of live people and NOBODY, I repeat NOBODY laughs.

I didn't think anybody could do as bad as the Wayans brothers last year. I was WRONG. The Wayans brothers looked like comedic geniuses after Jamie Foxx was done stumbling through his monologue.

Four words James...LAY OFF THE CRACK.

Hell, I'll even add another word for ya, free of charge..."PIPE".

At one point, he started on the subject of how people were shortening their names...P. Diddy...J-Lo....then he abruptly switched to Bill Clinton jokes...then went BACK to the name shortening thing which wasn't funny to begin with.

God...I just sat there stunned ...thinking..."Have they SERIOUSLY run out of people to host this damned show?"

I'll throw my name in the ring...Uncle Bob, MTV...Uncle Bob could do a much better job hosting the Awards show than anybody you've picked in the last several years. I may be one unhip bastard...but I beat anybody you've thrown out there lately.

Then the awards started.

I've gotta be honest here...I don't watch much MTV anymore because there are no music videos there anymore.

I think they show them between 3:35 and 4 a.m. now and that's about it.

But, they're all rap videos because there is no other music but rap now. Alternative what?? Rock and what???

All rap. And the only rap I like is old school rap. Public Enemy, Ice-T, MC 900 Ft. Jesus. Late 80s rap.

This new rap shit...ugh. It makes my skin crawl.

Take for instance, Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot.

She invited me last night to "Get My Freak On".

I'd love to Missy. But I'll make you a deal...if I decide to get my freak on, I want you to promise to NEVER SUBJECT ME TO THAT GAWDAWFUL SONG AGAIN.

My God...I had never heard that song until last night. There's very few songs out there that make me want to vomit blood upon hearing them, but Missy had no problem making me taste hemoglobins in the back of my throat.

I could write a book on how shitty that song is.

"Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on"

Those are lyrics???

Kids...our nation's future...don't fool yourself...that is NOT a song. It's Missy having a mental meltdown because nobody wants to step up to the plate and nail her nasty ass.

I was shocked watching her "sing" this song. Shocked at how amazingly BAD it was.

And of course, she had her "guest rapper" Ludicrus there to holler out "Make some noise!!" over and over again.

No thanks Ludwig. You and Missy are doing just fine in the noise making department tonight. I guess I could make some shit-grunt sounds, but those would only add beauty to this festival of sonic shit you're throwing my way.

It was actually during Missy's performance that I turned the channel and forgot to turn back so I missed like an hour or two of the show while cleaning house.

I saw U2. Man. To think that U2 is now practically considered "classic rock" blows my mind. They're now starting their third decade in rock and roll.

I saw U2 live in the gymnasium at the University of Tennessee in 1981 opening for the J. Geils Band. I was blown away by them and rushed out to buy their first album the next day since it was the only album they had out at the time. I'm glad they're getting the props they deserve finally but I didn't care for that last album that much.

I missed Michael Jackson coming out and dancing for 'N Sync and then pressing them for their home phone numbers.

I'm sure Lance ponied up with his phone number for Jacko. He'd sit on Michael's lap and pet the pink monkey ANYTIME.

That one 'N Syncker...the one that looks like their dad out there...the chunky one with the screwed up facial hair...man...I SWEAR to you...I'm cooler looking than that guy.

I could go on tour and have pre-pubescent girls screaming my name..."UNCLE BAWWWWWWWB!! UNCLE BAWWWWWWWWWB!!"

They'd be all crying and shit because they couldn't believe I was standing there in the flesh in front of them with my bad back and knees like some middle-aged prima donna.

I'd make them completely forget about that 'N Sync guy.

About the ONLY reason I watched the Awards last night was to cheer on the one person out there making music that I love.

....Fatboy Slim (is illin' in Heaven)

I love the Fatboy. He rocks my world and makes me swoon and cry like afore-mentioned little pre-pubescent girls.

"FATBOYYYYYYYY!!!"

And I guess he only won a few awards. He didn't win video of the year.

Nope.

That went to the whores that sang "Lady Marmalade".

Between the four of them, they must have every sexually transmitted disease ever invented.

I was glad Lil' Kim showed some restraint and didn't have her breast implants out for show. We've seen 'em once, Kimmy. No need to flaunt them again.

And so...these four get up there to get their award and who do they bring with them??

...Missy "Misty Meaner" Elliot.

I hurried up and turned off the TV before she could sing another verse of "Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on, Getcher freak on"

So again, I apologize to today's youth who have to listen to this shit in order to gain acceptance from your peers who gauge how cool something is by how many days it stays at #1 on TRL.

If you REALLY wanna be cool, go download as much Was(Not Was) songs as you can (Everything EXCEPT "Walk The Dinosaur" which was utter bullshit), burn them onto a disc and take that to school.

You will start a whole new cool trend. And maybe next year Don Was will be receiving a bunch of trophies and thanking God.

And Missy Elliot can stay home and get her freak on with a stray dog.

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