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5:07 a.m. - October 30,2000

MY ARMY CAN KICK YOUR ARMY'S ASS

Wowsa.

I make one teensy weensy little complaint about certain people pissing me off and the Army comes out of the woodwork to lemme know that everything's gonna be alright and that I've NEVER offended any of them.

I don't care what you say ... my Army RAWKS!!

My Army can kick YOUR Army's ASS!!

GO ARMY! GO ARMY!

(Uncle Bob chants "GO ARMY!" while doing the Cabbage Patch)

Seriously...y'all be too cool.

Especially the gals from William and Mary, Fuzzy Tomato , Starryiied, Bluesleepy, and Liad, who went to the trouble of taking a picture of the four of them at a Halloween party the other night, holding up a sign saying "Happy Birthday Andrew!" because they know I secretly hope the kid is born on Halloween.

I'm tellin' ya...THAT rocked! To think that people actually think about me and my boy when they're away from the computer...das ist too cool.

I called Susie in here once I got the picture and said "Check this out!"

She was impressed with the picture as well. Actually ... I think she was impressed that anybody reads the crap that I get up every morning at 5 a.m to type.

Thanks gals. That picture was sooo cool and just made my day!

If anyone else wants to send me a picture with a sign saying "Happy Birthday Andrew", I'll think you're unoriginal as hell ... but I'll STILL think you're way cool.

*************************************

Speaking of the Missus...we went to the grocery store yesterday and she got on a scale. She hadn't gained a pound since her last doctor's visit.

She encouraged me to get on the scale.

Ummmmmmmmm...look hon....we're out in public. I don't WANT others knowing how much I weigh.

Like THAT was a good enough excuse to not get on the scale.

She FORCED me to hop on the scale.

I have gained 45 pounds since she got pregnant.

Forty five pounds, people.

I knew I was gaining weight rapidly. I knew it was sympathy weight.

BUT FORTY FIVE FUCKING POUNDS?!?!?

I was instantly depressed. I started to cry, but instead of tears, Crisco came rolling down my cheeks.

Soooo...guess who had salad for dinner last night??

Try me. Uncle Fat Ass.

The cool thing is...I CAN lose the weight if I put my mind to it. I lost 50 lbs. in 1998 in a matter of months. I also didn't eat any pizza, steak, candy or snacks then either, four things I survive on now. Like I told Susie ... I consider Fritos one of the five major food groups now.

So anyway ... it's time to start busting ass and losing weight. I wanna be healthy enough to watch my baby grow up. I don't wanna die or watch him grow up from the confines of my recliner like Jabba the Hut.

******************************************

Oh yeah...thanks to all you ladies who gave me some tips and pointers on how to line the bed in case Susie decides to let her water break in the middle of the night.

Currently, she's sleeping on some vintage sheets that can be thrown away with an old towel and two garbage bags underneath the sheets.

I just couldn't see springing the money for plastic sheets when there's an awful good chance that she won't even be needing them. This method works much better and it's courtesy of the Army.

Did I already mention that you guys RAWK?!?

*******************************************

I hung up some Winnie The Pooh borders around Andrew's walls yesterday. It really makes his room look bigger for some reason. I sure hope this kid likes Pooh ... EVERYTHING he owns is Pooh-related. I think as soon as he makes his appearance later this week, I'm going to start drilling it into his head that POOH IS GOOD. RESPECT THE POOH.

My luck, he's gonna be all over Mickey Mouse or those damned Disney babies.

We're going to have some serious conflicts if that's the case.

*******************************************

Prepare for a lot of baby-related entries from me from here on out. I doubt there's going to be anything much more interesting in my life than my kid for the next several months.

My God. I am SOOOOO giddy right now about this birth.

IF he's going to be a Halloween baby...Susie needs to start contracting today.

Now then...if you'll excuse me ... I'm going to go see if there's anything I can do to make her contract.

Heeeee!

*******************************************

QUESTION OF THE DAY

What was your most memorable Halloween?

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