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5:56 a.m. - 2001-12-19

MY SON IS...MY SON IS...

You know...as much grief as I give other people's kids in this space, you'd think that my son was absolutely perfect.

Apparently, he's not.

For 13 months now, I've thought my boy could do no wrong. He was perfect in my eyes and that's all that was important.

Last night, I found out different.

Last night, I found out that my son is...

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...a goddamned knee humper.

This OBVIOUSLY comes from Susie's side of the family, since all of her damned nephews at one time or another have tried to dry hump me silly. They've latched onto my legs, held on for dear life, and thrusted their crotches against me with such fury and precision that I'm damned lucky they didn't dislocate my kneecap.

Thus, earning them the nickname "the dreaded kneehumpers".

So last night, I'm laying on the floor playing with Andrew. We're simply rolling a ball back and forth and clapping hysterically every time he manages to either catch it or roll it.

He gets a bit excited. This I can understand. He's rolled a ball. For a 13 month old, this is kinda like winning an Oscar in their little world.

He gets up and crawls over to me.

I hug him, he hugs me.

He starts climbing on top of my head. I'm all like "Whoa! What are you doing?"

He kinda laughs. This is fun for him. So I allow it to continue.

He climbs until his crotch is directly in my face. Granted, he's wearing a diaper and clothes, so it's not like I've got naked baby penis up my nose or anything.

Then he just stops with the climbing.

And then...as God as my witness ... he starts grinding my face going "Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!"

At first, I'll admit, I didn't really know what was going on. The kid climbs on me quite often, I'm a human jungle gym in his eyes. Plus, I was trying to watch "Scrubs" and wasn't really paying attention to him.

Then I was all like..."My God! My little boy is humping my face!" Let me tell you...the day your child dry humps your skull ... you've reached a point where there's no turning back. Your head has been violated by baby winkie. It's kinda like the first time you accidently hear Celine Dion. Your ears will never be the same again.

I pried him off my face and held him out in front of me and said sternly "No! That's a no-no! We don't hump Daddy's face!"

He just laughed and squirmed out of my hands and went to play with a truck. Laughing the whole time.

He got what he wanted. He got him some head.

Literally.


Here's something really cool...

Last week, I was talking about my early days in the small farm town of Elmwood, Illinois, population 2,000 and holding.

I have lots of fond memories of the town that I lived in for the first ten years of my life.

Then I get an email from Britt Babe who is not British at all ... in fact...she's from ELMWOOD, ILLINOIS!!!

I KNOW!! I FREAKED OUT TOO!!! I COULDN'T QUIT USING ALL CAPS!!!

Really, this is pretty cool. It's not like two people from NYC finding each other on the web. Elmwood is a small town where everyone's super friendly and everyone knows each other.

And it may be small...but it's no Yates City!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

...Okay...maybe only Britt Babe and I get that one...

Anyway, it was really cool and we've exchanged emails back and forth and as it turns out, one of her Uncles is an old childhood friend of mine. In fact, the last time I visited Elmwood about five years ago, her Uncle and I posed in a picture together that I still have.

...Of course...we both had beer cans in our hand and our arms around each other like drunken frat boys.

I've gotta find that picture.

Soooo...you know...Walt Disney was right...it's a Small World after all, huh?

The crazy old bastard knew what he was talking about when he programmed those robots to sing that song over and over again.


Three more days of work...then 11 days off in a row.

My nipples get hard just thinking about it.


Susie has now officially overslept.

I turned on the bathroom light adjacent to our bedroom at 5:30 and told her to wake up. She mumbled into her pillow "I'm up."

At 6 a.m. I walked back in there and she was in the same position that I had left her in.

"You're late," I said.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"6:45", I lied.

"Holy shit!" she said as she rolled out of bed quickly, feet landing on the floor and making a beeline for the shower.

I snickered. She'll be so glad when she finds out it's only 6 a.m.

Scratch that.

She just came out in her robe and called me a lying sonofabitch.

Well yeah.

But she's awake...right?

I mean, that's the main objective here.

Guess I need to go smooth things over, using my suave charm coupled with my stale morning breath to woo her.

Nothing like a faceful of steaming hot morning breath to win my ladies over.

Booooo yahhhhh!

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