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19:19:46 - 2000-03-30

NEWMAN!!

I'm pissed.

And yes....this is entry #3 for today. Bite me. I'm sorry you can't keep up with my pointless but prolific ass.

Only the big dogs hang in Uncle Bob's Army.... KEEP UP!!!

I come home this afternoon, and lo and motherfucking behold...my damned mailbox and paper box are hanging by a thread on the mail post.

Okay. I can't get TOO mad, because in high school, there were a few nights when me and my buddies...we ummmm .... busted up some mailboxes real good with baseball bats and beer bottles.

But...here's the deal ... people only do that at night, don't they??

This happened between 12:30 and 3:30 this afternoon in broad daylight.

AND..... The post wasn't bent at all, and there is no real dent in the mailbox. It looks like it was just kinda...nudged off its post, yet the metal in the front of the post is as twisted as Angelina Jolie.

So here's my theory.

My mailman did it.

Alright...before you sit there and say "YOU'RE PARANOID, UNCLE BOB" this FUCK doesn't like me and I KNOW it.

And fuck you for calling me paranoid, you little shit.

About three years ago, I gave this guy (who incidently, is a DEAD RINGER for Newman on "Seinfeld", so my wife and I have always called him Newman) something like a $20 tip at Christmas after seeing on the "Today" show that's what nice people should do.

So I did it. I thought I'd give the whole "Nice Uncle Bob" thing a workout and started with Newman the Mailman.

Everything was cool for a year.

The next year, hey...I completely forgot. I was out of town the days leading up to Christmas and didn't even think about it.

So after that Christmas passed and Newman didn't get any Christmas tip, I began to notice I was having trouble getting mail that I KNOW was supposed to come to me.

Magazine subscriptions. Birthday cards. A girl I met online was supposed to send me a video that never came.

Now...maybe amateur porn videos starring chicks dressed in Nazi outfits is what you wake up to every morning.

For me...uh-uh. Ain't never seen one in my life. I sure was looking forward to it too.

And thanks to Newman...I'm NEVER seeing one..

That's a joke of course.

She was just sending me a copy of ummmm.... "Sleepless in Seattle" that she taped off HBO.

Yeah. That's it. The Sleepless movie there with the uhhh...Tom Cruise guy and the ... Mary Tyler Moore lady girl thing...yeah...love that flick ...

Anywhooo...

(deep breath)

So anyway...my fucking mailman.

ERRRRRRRRRG!!!!

I just wanna wait by the mailbox tomorrow for him and just really give him what's for.

ME: "Hey there Mr. Mailman...how goes it?"

NEWMAN: (all snippy and shit) "Here's your mail."

ME: "HA! I've got mail...kinda like that movie "You've Got Mail" with Tom Cruise and Mary Tyler Moore!"

NEWMAN: (scrunching up his nose at me) "Whatever. Please take your mail."

ME: "Sure thing, Mr. Mailman. (Take the mail). By the way ... did you happen to accidently hit my mailbox yesterday going at a really slow pace and knock it off its post and try to hang it back up?"

NEWMAN: (looking away and focusing on the street) "I don't know what you're talking about."

ME: (whipping out a can of mace) "Oh ... I THINK YOU DO PORKY!!!"

(I spray the mace long and hard in his fat, porkine face)

NEWMAN: (clawing at his eyes) "OH YOU CHEAP FUCKING, NON-CHRISTMAS TIPPING BASTARD!!!! YOU'VE BLINDED ME!!!!"

ME: (grabbing his collar and throttling him a good one) "Oh ... you're damned SKIPPY I've blinded you, you dirty shit ass. Now ...you get off your fat ass...get out of that mail truck ... and you fix my mailbox RIGHT NOW before I put that burning sensation in your eye sockets out with my urine."

NEWMAN: (crying) "Yessir, Uncle Bob....you da man...you da man..."

That asshole.

Told ya I was pissed.

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