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11:22:57 - 2001-01-24

THAT'S NO BONE, DOC ... THAT'S MY PENIS

Soooo...I'm in shitloads of pain yesterday ... remember??

My shoulders hurting? My back hurting?? My neck hurting???

Plus...I had the flu. Remember now???

I get to work and it's unbearable. I'm a grown man, sitting at my desk and wanting to cry from the pain.

And I have a HUGE threshold for pain. HUGE I'm telling you. I'm in some sort of pain 24-7, and just blow it off ... but THIS was killing me.

So I call a chiropractor and get an appointment to come in and have the guy pound on my back until I feel better.

Well, guess what?? Chiropractors don't POUND on your back anymore. Nope. They sit and tell you all about it for two hours straight.

Actually ... and here's the kicker ... apparently I DON'T have the flu. Every flu-like symptom I have is coming from a twisted bone in the base of my neck.

The dizziness. The nausea. The headaches. The bitching and whining incessantly.

ALL related to this twisted bone in my neck.

The doctor felt my neck and shoulders and said "You've twisted a joint."

Me ... being Mr. Smart Ass ... said "Yes...many times, doc."

...Meaning that I've rolled many a marijuana cigarette in my day. I'm pretty sure it went right over his head.

Anyway ... this guy tells me more than I need to know about my spine. It's taking FOREVER and I'm sitting there PRETENDING to listen to him when all I'm thinking is ... knead this damned bone back into place, Doc.

First ... we had to do X-rays. Which meant removal of the shirt.

Okay.

I put on nearly 50 lbs. last year while Susie was pregnant and have lost a total of 6 oz. since January 1st.

I was not too thrilled with taking off the shirt and displaying my flabby belly. But ... I figured between two guys ... it wouldn't be so bad. Plus, he probably sees a dozen shirtless people a day getting X-rays, so I'm not going to be some kinda cheap thrill for him.

I take the shirt off.

Instantly, two nurses walk in the room and start getting things ready for X-rays.

So now, I'm sitting on a table, shirtless and cold (nipping) while the doctor and two nurses are running all around me.

Did I feel awkward?

Does the Pope shit in the woods??

It's amazing when you're out of shape and shirtless, how people will look at ANYTHING but your belly. They'd go from my knees to my eyes and wouldn't dare stop to gander at my massive gut.

Like my gut could hypmotize them.

They take two X-rays. I reach for my shirt. They ask that I keep it off to make sure that the X-rays came out okay.

They didn't. Two MORE X-rays. Five more minutes of sucking in my gut.

Finally, the X-rays were good and it was time to move to the next room.

Get to the next room..."take your shirt off please".

Ummmmm...you first, Sweetie.

Didn't work. She kept hers on, I took mine off.

I got on some kind of torture device where they hooked me up to a machine that sent electric currents through my shoulder and neck for ten minutes.

That was sweet. I got to lay down and rest for ten minutes while tingling went all through my back. I spent the ten minutes fantasizing about having sex with one of the nurses.

Not really. I just thought that'd sound good.

So anyway ... for ten minutes I'm electrocuted. Then a nurse comes back in, takes the wires off my back and tells me to put on a shirt and wait.

Fifteen minutes go by as I sit and wait. Still in pain.

I'm ushered into another room where I sit and wait some more.

Finally, the chiropractor comes in and announces that he's going to try and "align" me.

YAYYYYYYYYY!!!

I hop up on the torture table, close my eyes, grin real big and say "Have at it, doc!"

He touches my neck.

TOUCHES IT.

...And says that there's too much swelling right now around the bone to do anything to it.

WTF???

Soooo...he gives me an ice pack and tells me to ice it down every hour on the hour for 30 minutes for a month.

A FUCKING MONTH.

So as I'm typing this, I'm delicately balancing an ice pack on the back of my neck.

I've gotta admit ... it's taken quite a lot of the pain out.

And I DO have a cold. It isn't the flu ... but I'm congested and have cold breath and that filmy nasty slimy cold feeling in my mouth.

So...I go BACK to the chiropractor today to see if the swelling has gone down enough to let him align me.

I sure hope so. I don't feel any swelling myself.

...Except in my GROIN AREA!!!!

BUAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

(Uncle Bob slaps his knee repeatedly amidst peals of laughter, until he realizes nobody else found it funny and he quiets down quickly.)

________________________________________

The Neville Brothers have been added to our Jubilee City Fest in May.

I can't stand the Neville Brothers.

For those of you keeping track at home ... we've now booked KC and the Sunshine Band, the Village People, Mark Farner from Grand Funk, and The Neville Brothers.

I think I'm going to be staying home that weekend.

____________________________________

Oh yeah ... Mattie Gee's replacement at work has already been hired and started.

I don't like him.

Mainly because he's not Mattie Gee, my buddy and my pal.

Also because he's slow as molasses while Mattie Gee was quick as lightning on the job.

Granted ... it's only the guy's second day and he will probably get faster on the job.

I hope so.

I certainly don't want to have to kick his ass over such a trivial matter.

_________________________________

I forgot to mention ... the always hilarious Bartacus sent me a pretty cool link that can find your baby pictures from the hospital that you were born at. I didn't think it would really work, but sure enough...there was my baby photo. We looked up Susie's and hers was there too. It's a pretty awesome site...check it out.

___________________________________

That's it for me ... time for another ice pack, dude. Take care, have a great day, see ya tomorrow!

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