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09:55:19 - 2000-06-29

THE TALE OF A 38 YEAR-OLD LOSER (NO...NOT ME...)

Well...my old buddy Vic came by yesterday.

I know I've been calling him "Dick" in this diary. But his real name is Vic. "Dick" just always seemed more appropriate.

Interesting tidbits on Vic:

* He actually HAS had a date in the last 15 years, contrary to what I wrote the other day. In 1995 he went out with a 48-year-old woman three times.

He was 33 at the time.

Here's the sad part ... he REALLY liked her daughter, a college girl who he said was "Supermodel" material ... but was too scared to ask the college girl out ... so he went out with her mother instead.

He made a point to tell me he did NOT have sex with Mom.

Errrr....ummmmmm...okay....you're fucking gross, Vic.

So TECHNICALLY, he's a 38 year-old man who hasn't had sex since 1985.

...Form your own opinions, ladies and gents.

* He now has close to 3,000 CDs.

Can I get a big ol' "WHOOPDEESHIT" from the audience??

* He spent $50, buying 25 of my CDs.

* He REFUSES to buy a computer because he doesn't want "Big Brother watching him".

I'm sorry...if I hadn't been laid in 15 years, I wouldn't give two shits WHO was watching me. Just as long as SOMEBODY was paying attention to me, I'd be happy.

* I tried to show him Napster and how he could get ANY song he ever wanted and burn his own CDs.

He wasn't impressed. According to him, he gets the same thrill of buying a CD and opening it for that first time that he did when he was 15.

...I guess when you're not getting laid, you gotta get your kicks anyway you can.

* He travels to Georgia to buy porno magazines.

Okay ... that one kinda threw me for a loop. I haven't bought a "porno" magazine since 1984 (Yes...I enjoyed "High Society" in my day. It's not exactly hardcore porn, but it served its purpose in its day). I mean...I subscribed to Playboy for years, but you can't really call that porno. It's mainstream. Yeah ... there's naked women in there. But they're not jamming tin cans up their ass or anything. It's fairly tasteful.

He makes the drive to Georgia because he doesn't want to have to buy a Hustler from somebody in a convenience store in Alabama that he might run into in public.

...Okay...I don't blame him there. It would be kinda embarrassing if you were in a nice restaurant eating by yourself when a toothless woman walked in and said "Hey!! It's the guy that buys nudie magazines every week!! Get a date, fuckface!!"

I mean...I don't think I'D like that...

* He still has the WEAKEST handshake of any man I've ever met. Which is the sure sign of a guy who's saving his grip for his little pecker when he gets naked.

Anyway...he took some CDs off my hands...so I can't badmouth him TOO much.

...errrr...or at least I can't badmouth him ANY MORE.

I've got a new hobby...which is almost as asinine as Vic's hobbies...

I'm collecting Ultimixes from Napster.

Ultimixes are old songs that have been updated with new beats and cool samples built in.

So far I've got like...oh ... I dunno...two ultimixes...

BUT I'M A COLLECTOR OF 'EM!!!

Actually, I've got close to 40 of them.

I've got over 1,200 songs downloaded from Napster.

I'M THE ONE that Metallica wants to shut down.

Bah.

Screw you, Metallica. You'll never take me alive.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

(Bob claps his hands together fiendishly and falls backwards out of his chair)

G-damn...I've GOT to stop clapping my hands fiendishly. I'm gonna break my neck one of these days.

Alright...dog's howling. Time to go walk. Peace out to yer bad self.

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