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10:19:27 - 2001-02-02

BANK DRIVE THRU LANES ARE FOR NON-RETARDED PEOPLE ONLY

Yooohooooo!!! Over here!!

You know what I HATE??

I mean really HATE??

Idiots in the bank drive through lanes.

I got my paycheck yesterday and because my boss is an idiot himself, I don't have Direct Deposit. Good heavens, no ... that would make my life too easy and carefree, wouldn't it?

So I go to the bank to deposit my check.

And I'm in a hurry. And when you're in a hurry, do you (A) Go inside or (B) Go through the Drive Thru where you don't even have to leave your car?

If you're having trouble determining the answer, the answer is clearly (B). IF you said (A), you're the idiot that I'm talking about and I want you dead.

So I find the shortest lane which consists of one car ahead of me.

I roll down my window and get a deposit slip and fill it out. I'm ready. I'm stoked. I'm prepared to give the bank every penny of my paycheck and drive off.

Simple enough.

The car in front of me sits there for at least five minutes. This irritates the crap outta me. There should be NO REASON that a car has to sit in the bank drive thru for five minutes. NONE. You're either CASHING a check or DEPOSITING a check. There should be NO OTHER REASON that we have to sit here and wait on your mongo ass.

...Unless you're a freakin' idiot, like the lady in front of me yesterday.

I still had my window rolled down when I heard the teller on the loudspeaker.

"You'll have to come inside if you want to withdraw all your money from your savings account and close it."

Waitafuckingsecondhere.

I've been sitting here for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES with my car idling because this DUMBSHIT is trying to do something major like CLOSE AN ACCOUNT from the DRIVE THRU?!?!

I wanted to throttle the woman. Who the hell thinks they can close out an account through the drive thru??

Who???

Not me.

Not you.

I'm beginning to think that the mentally challenged are being given a whole lot more leeway in this world. Because they're obviously being handed driver's licenses in THIS state and told to "have at it" when it comes to bothering the shit out of us mentally superior bastards.

You know...such as myself, of course.

*sniff*

Okay ... here comes the worst part.

I know, I know...you're thinking "How could it get any worse than an ignorant jackass thinking she could close a bank account through a drive thru??"

Ohhhhh....how about if that ignorant jackass wants to ARGUE the point??

This lady says that she "doesn't have time" to come inside and close the account ... why can't they just close it out in the drive thru??

People ... I had so many veins sticking out of my forehead, it looked like a New York City street map.

The teller then said that it's a lengthy process and that there are people behind her that need to do their banking.

THEN, this fucking Jell-o brain hangs her big waterhead out her window and turns around to see the line of four cars behind her, all about ready to get out of their cars and rap her with our tire irons.

This stupid whore then says to the teller (in a huff) "Just send it back, I'll come back some other time".

God give me strength. Because I'm about to bury a foot in this imbecile's ass and I want to make sure I reach her lower intestines. C'mon God...slip me some strength.

Her stuff gets sent back to her and the lady has THE NERVE to push the "Call" button and tell the teller "Thanks for nothing." Then she drove off.

I was shocked. Mortified. Peeved. And sexually curious.

I pulled up, sent my deposit in and in LESS THAN A MINUTE was back out on the road, trying to track down Jane Doe Bitch to put a foot in her ass.

I couldn't find her and gave up rather quickly now that I was out of the drive thru lane.

But damn...people ... the drive thru lanes are for people in a hurry. This rule also applies to the idiots who pull up in McDonald's drive thrus who have to order lunch for the entire office and they're all on separate checks.

GO THE FUCK INSIDE.

Thank you.

(This has been a public service announcement from your Uncle Bob)


Well...somebody in this house is starting to teethe.

Yesterday, I picked Andy up from day care at about 4:15.

We drove home, him babbling about something or other and me agreeing with whatever he said.

We get home, this little bastard is just chit-chatting away. I've never heard him make this much pleasant noise.

Then...out of the blue ... horrific shrieks. Once again ... I've NEVER heard him make this much noise. Except this time it wasn't pleasant. It was downright bloodcurdling.

I jammed my pinky in his mouth to give him something to suck on. I debated on feeding him, but Mama was on her way home and she'd have some pretty hefty boobs for his pleasure, so I held off.

So he's calming down, sucking my finger.

All of a sudden, it's like he slipped a razor blade in his mouth.

CHOMP!

His eyes opened wide and he wanted to scream. Instead, he kept taking that little nub of tooth and burying it in my pinky.

I was sitting in my recliner, kid in my arms, finger in his mouth going "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

He gave me an angry look like "What the hell's going on? Why does this hurt us both now?"

Finally, he dozed off. I parted his lips with my fingers and tried to check out his gums, but didn't see anything.

But I felt it.

This is going to be hell. He's teething about two months too early.

I just hope he doesn't have the babysitter knocked up at age 6.


In the battle of "Friends" vs. "Survivor", Uncle Bob's house watched "Survivor" and taped "Friends".

I was shocked over who they voted off the island last night. That guy seemed to be doing a whole helluva lot for his tribe, while everyone else was treating the thing like a vacation.

And that Jerri bitch. Holy shit ... that woman is EVIL.

If you're not watching it yet ... do so. It's still early on where you can enjoy the fun and you get to witness one of the most conniving whores on television.

...And she's not even acting.


I had to go to our local ballet yesterday to interview the artistic director of the ballet, Priscilla Crommelin-Ball.

Does she sound like a hoity-toity little princess, all bubbles and baubles?

She's WORSE.

This woman is soooo ... society conscious. I've never met another woman who deserved the name "Priscilla" more than this lady.

She's had about a dozen facelifts to keep her looking as close to 29 as possible. She's a former ballerina herself, as graceful as a retarded duck and always smelling like expensive perfume.

But ... she's always liked me because I'll do anything for her ballet company.

Including whoring myself out and making a complete ass of myself to make her happy.

Then again ... maybe I'm just an idiot who's a sucker for punishment.

Anyway ... it was pure torture having to interview her, because she looks over my shoulder and reads my notes during the interview. She's always done this to make sure she's quoted right. Then she wants to read my notes afterwards.

This is NOT something you do to reporters. It makes them feel self conscious and stupid.

Yet she does it every time.

Ah well.

Far be it from me to make a woman named Priscilla cry by telling her to step off.

Do people still SAY "Step off"??


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