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10:23:47 - 2000-08-27

NOSTRADAMUS AIN'T GOT SHIT ON UNCLE BOB

Remember how I've been saying I was a little unnerved about playing Broomball on ice?

How I had an "eerie vibe" that I was going to get hurt?

I am in some HORRIBLE pain today.

....But I have some AWESOME pain pills....

Yes, boys and girls, yer dear, sweet Unca Bawb's right arm is wrapped tight and in a sling this morning.

No shit.

Well, I just took the sling off from around my neck in order to type this out. But I have pain from my wrist to my shoulder.

Diagnosis: I chipped the Radial Head in my elbow and a jagged part of bone is digging into the rubber-band-like nerve around my elbow, causing pain in my arm whenever I move it slightly.

But God bless Darvocet.

I know it's not the STRONGEST pain killer out there ... but the doctor wasn't going to prescribe me something that would knock out a cow, simply because I kept pestering him..."Pain pills?? Pain pills?? How 'bout some pain pills??"

...I think he could sense my past drug abuse by the way my eyes lit up every time I said "pain pills"...

Anyway...how did I get in this predicament?

Got to the mall, walked to the ice skating rink, shook the hands of the other media people and made small talk.

"Does anybody want to practice?" one of the mall people said.

Seeing as how I'd never played a game called Broomball on a sheet of ice before, I figured practicing wasn't completely out of the question yet.

I grabbed a broom. I hit the ice.

Literally.

I stepped out on the ice...stood there for a few seconds. Shuffled slightly to determine the ice's slipperiness.

It wasn't as slippery as I thought.

Someone slammed the ball my way.

I took a few steps to slam it back.

The next thing I knew, I was falling as hundreds of people looked on.

Alright...I'm not the most coordinated mofo on ice. In fact, I'm downright clumsy and awkward when it comes to falling on ice.

Plus I'm a BIG guy. For you newbies...I'm 6'3", 244 lbs. (as I found out at the doctor's yesterday...I was CONVINCED I was at 280....relieved I was almost 40 lbs. lighter than I thought. YAAAAAY MEEEE!!! I've only gained 20 lbs since my wife got pregnant...not 60).

I'm like a tree in a forest. When I begin to fall, people yell "TIMBERRRRRRR!!!"

I started to fall.

I landed on my right elbow.

I'm not sure how many of you have actually ever put 244 lbs. of pressure on your elbow as it hit a thick sheet of ice.

Anybody??

Bueller?

Bueller??

Bueller???

...Alright...nobody but me.

But this hurt like a bitch.

Pain shot up and down my arm.

But I was cool about it. I didn't let anybody know I was severely hurt.

...Unless you count the fact that I walked around in circles muttering "Goddammit, Goddammit, Goddammit" and shaking my arm like it was covered with spiders.

That MAY have given my pain away to the others.

After a few minutes I checked out my elbow and a HUGE patch of skin was missing off my elbow and replaced by a big bloody red patch.

Very impressive, I might add. My first wound of the day.

I walked over to the side of the rink and showed my wife my elbow.

She squirmed and said "Maybe you shouldn't play today".

Hell...I did this during PRACTICE. Those little Teen Team girls hadn't even GOTTEN to the rink yet.

I was not going to let my team down. Which, given the circumstances...I doubt ANY of them would have had any qualms about the big fat bloody guy walking off the ice and going to the Doc in the Box immediately.

So I stayed on the ice and made myself a promise.

NO MORE FALLING.

That promise lasted about two more minutes when I took a step and fell face first into the ice.

Honestly, the second fall didn't do near the damage.

Broke my sunglasses that I had conveniently left in my shirt pocket.

But other than that...it wasn't that bad.

The game finally started and my adrenaline was a'flowin'.

You wouldn't have known I had any adrenaline by the slow, deliberate baby steps I was taking across the ice though.

I looked like Baby Huey tiptoeing across hot coals.

I was watching the news last night, and they included some footage of me gently pacing back and forth on the ice like my wife was in labor and I was in the waiting room already.

So I stayed near the Teen Team's goal and generally fucked with their goalie the whole time. Standing in her way so she couldn't see the game. Putting my hands over her eyes when the ball would come our way. Pushing her slightly. Sticking my broom handle between her ankles so she'd fall.

Shit like that.

Here's the kicker.

The Media All Stars BEAT the Eastdale Mall Teen Team by a score of 4-2.

Guess who scored the last two goals for his team??

I'll give you a hint...it's somebody you ALLLLL know.

Another hint...he played the entire game with a chipped Radial Head in his elbow.

Another hint??? What are you people...brain dead?!?

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

I was the MVP of the game, thank you very much. Every time I hit that ball with my broom, sharp pain shot up and down my arm.

But I STILL hit it.

And I STILL got it past their goalie and into their goal.

And I STILL yelled "IN YOUR FACE!" at the little 16 year old girls and hollered "HOOO! HOOO!! HOOOO!" as loud and obnoxious as I could so that it echoed throughout the mall.

When the game was over, the play-by-play guy called me over to the microphone and said "Uncle Bob...how does it feel to have scored the two goals that helped you win the game?"

The only description I could think of?

"Horrible".

My arm was swelling and I just wanted some pain pills. So "horrible" pretty much summed up my feelings.

Now it hurts to hold a magazine, lift a spoon to my mouth and straighten my arm out.

But ya know...I kicked some ass.

The oldest, most out-of-shape bastard on the ice kicked major teen team ass yesterday.

...And I'm feeling it BIG TIME today...

QUESTION OF THE WEEKEND

What's the stupidest injury you've ever had?

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