..."AND HE ONCE ATE DOG SHIT TO IMPRESS HIS FRIENDS" ...

Buon GIORNO!!!!!

...Okay....that's the extent of my Italian - "Good day!".

But I figure that's really all I needed to say.

Let's talk about your dear ol' Uncle Bob today, whadda ya say?

I had to update my bio last night for my book editor Wendi.

This is a bio that will be going on the book jacket of the book I helped write that comes out in October.

You know the types..."The author is adept at skinning cats and plunging toilets."

That kinda crap.

So...for the benefit of you people right here, I'm going to post my bio in its current state, that will be gracing the inside back cover of the book. The bio will be reprinted here in italics. My stupid-assed, embarrassed comments will not be in italics.

Jimmy D. covers many bases in his position as the news editor with The Montgomery Independent, the Capital City's weekly community-focus newspaper that features political, human-interest, city, and society news.

"Covers many bases" means I get doughnuts for people when they're hungry.

Jim's contributions include a weekly humor column, entertainment news reporting, and general assignment reporting duties. Special assignments include interviews with the entertainment world's top names, including stories on Ray Charles, Gladys Knight, B.B. King, and over 50 other musicians, actors, writers and television stars.

Somehow...after mentioning Ray Charles and B.B. King, adding "and the Lead Singer From Molly Hatchet" didn't sound that great. Therefore you get the obligatory "50 other musicians...blah blah blah".

Jim was responsible for the long-running series "Meet The Media," which took an in-depth look at some of Montgomery's personalities from both radio and television; and the popular "Around Alabama" travel series, which spotlighted interesting vacation destinations and tourist attractions throughout the state. Jim has also written numerous business profiles and served as a reporter for the City Council meetings.

"Meet The Media" was a look into the arrogant lives of local celebrities. It was a neat little series because it was cool to read about your local TV anchor's struggle with dyslexia, alcoholism and stuff.

"Around Alabama" was my summer-long stint as a travel writer. That got boring really quick. Alabama ain't got a whole lotta vacation destinations other than the beaches.

"COME SEE THE CIVIL RIGHTS MEMORIAL IN MONTGOMERY!!"

I can just IMAGINE parents telling their kids ... "We know we promised we'd take you to Disney World this summer...but how about the Civil Rights Memorial in Montgomery instead???"

Yeah right.

"Numerous business profiles" means I never kept an accurate count of how many of those horrid pieces of shit I was forced to write.

And I was a reporter for City Council meetings which was a HUGE debacle because I tried to put a bit of humor into the stories. The City Council doesn't like being made fun of. I was reassigned fairly quickly after that gig went south.

Jim is active in the Montgomery community, and has worked on projects with the Montgomery Jaycees, Goodwill Industries, the United Way, the Montgomery Ballet and the Montgomery Area Chamber of Commerce. He is an avid supporter of the local arts scene and routinely visits local schools and speaks to students from kindergarten to college.

* I've helped the Jaycees do the Haunted House for two years. Both years they raised like a hundred dollars.

* I've participated in several fashion shows for Goodwill. The clothes never fit me and they have to burn them after I've been seen wearing them.

* I was the head coordinator for a Haunted House for the United Way, we made close to $2,000 with little advertising.

* I was chosen as the "Most Reluctant Ballerina" in 1999 for the Montgomery Ballet and appeared in "The Nutcracker" as Santa Claus. I'm actually proud of this because I got more votes than the local TV anchor, a popular radio deejay and THE MAYOR! Too bad that the Mayor was voted out of office before the production took place, the TV anchor moved away weeks before the production took place and the deejay isn't as popular as MEEEEEE!!!

So technically....I won by default.

* I participated in a study for the Chamber of Commerce as to what the city needed to do to better itself. I suggested whores on every street corner. That didn't fly as well as I had hoped.

* An avid supporter of the arts scene means I give them money so my name will show up under their "Thank You" lists in their programs.

*And I HAVE spoken to several different classes about writing. Just none in the last six months or so.

Jim attended the University of Tennessee, and he and his wife, Susie have made their home in Montgomery since 1986. Members of First Christian Church, Jim and Susie gave birth to baby Andrew in the fall of 2000. Always drawn to creative endeavors, Jim was a professional stand-up comedian and then a successful disc jockey before entering the world of print journalism as a music critic.

* Notice the word "attended" in the Tennessee statement. Not "graduated"..."attended".

...Kids...don't do drugs in college ... you don't want to wind up JUST an attendee.

I wanted to work Andrew into the equation, but the kid's not born yet and when the book comes out, he will be born right around that time.

Had to mention the stand-up and deejay gigs. Although I hardly know why. It's like ... "He used to be a real fuck-up. Now he's just a partial fuck-up.".

Anyway...that's my bio in its current state. I was going to mention "and the designer behind several websites". But I'm NOT a designer for one, and I would HATE for someone to see that and corner me and say "What website do you design?"

"Ummmmm...ever heard of Uncle Bob?"

"No."

"Forget it then."

********************************************

Someone asked a while back if I ever wrote serious stuff. The answer is "Hell fucking yes I write serious stuff, you fucking moron."

HERE'S my review of the production of "Godspell" that I scribbled out on Monday. The review itself sucks .... but I try to keep the goofiness toned down.

AND ... for a change...my weekly humor column did NOT first appear here. Lately, I've just been rewriting diary entries and turning them in as my columns. But this week's column...dealing with my sympathy pregnancy cravings is an exclusive that you guys haven't read yet.

...And after reading it...you'll know why.

COS IT SUCKED!!!!!

And ... just because the webmaster did his job correctly this week, I'll go ahead and plug my Gossip Column as well. Not much gossip in there this week ... if you read closely, you can tell I was just bullshitting and trying to fill up the alotted space with my spewing of crap about nothing in general.

So as you can see...I'm a prolific mofo outside of Uncle Bob's Diary of Pain.

Speaking of pain...my ass hurts. I'm going for a walk to try and get the sting outta my ass.

My poor ass.

Yeah. Cram that into the bio, Wendi ....my poor ass hurts.

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