MY PAINFUL ADDICTION

I am an addict.

It's not something that I ever thought I'd be writing about here in this diary. I didn't really want everyone judging me, whispering behind my back "You know that Uncle Bob guy?? Addict."

But it's true. And I can't deny it anymore.

My addiction creeps up on me every couple of years. I'll go months, sometimes years, strung out on my addiction. I'm able to function on the outside ... most times nobody can even tell. But on the inside, I'm burning. Waiting. Needing that next hit.

Yes.

I'm addicted to nasal spray.

As I sit here typing this, I'm staring at my bottle of Afrin Nasal Decongestant. The original formula. Sure, I would much rather have the Menthol. But the drug store was out of Menthol. And believe me, in my clogged sinus rage, I let them know just how upset I was that they could just LET the store run out of Menthol Nasal Spray smack dab in the middle of cold and flu season.

I want to take it. I want to cram that nozzle up my nose, squeeze and fall backwards, snorting the fluid up my nose and feeling my sinuses open wide and fresh air to enter my system.

But I'm not.

Because I'm an addict.

And I'm TRYING to go cold turkey on this bitch.

The early 90's were the toughest period for me and nasal sprays. From '90 to '94, I used the sprays twice a day...the 12 hour sprays naturally. Every other day, my nose would bleed freely from the abuse I was putting it through.

I didn't care. I could BREATHE dammit. That was all that mattered.

For the last two weeks, I've been dependent on my Afrin. The bottle says "Do not use this product for more than three days".

HA!!

I LAUGH AT SUCH NONSENSE!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!

Mortal fools!!!

I have NOT used the Afrin since Wednesday night at 6 p.m.

I'm coming up on 36 hours of being Afrin-free, skipping three appointments with the devil's nasal decongestant.

Right now, I can breathe...SLIGHTLY. I really REALLY wish I could use some.

But I'm going to beat this addiction this time.

I will not be held down by the spray. I will face it head on and deal with my demons mano-a-snotto.

It will get worse before it gets better.

Pray for me and my clogged up nostrils.

Alright ... now that I've aired my dirty, snotty laundry....HOW GOES IT, DUDE???

Wait...gotta go wake the wife up. She's apparently overslept...brb.

...Okay...she's awake but not "up". I've done my part.

So anyway...lemme see...yesterday...yesterday...

I took my buddy Jamie over to the Dynamite Magic Company yesterday. It's a little magic store here in town where there's always a magician standing behind the counter doing tricks. If you see a trick you like, you pay the guy then he shows you how to do the trick.

It's owned by one of my oldest buddies, Gary. Gary and I did stand-up comedy back in the mid-80s together. His wife used to give him shit back then because his only skill was magic and she didn't see how he'd make a living at it.

Now, his business STAYS busy and has for over ten years.

Hell...Jamie spent $30 on two tricks yesterday that will astound and amaze his friends. And there were people behind him ready to come off good money for the secrets behind the tricks.

Gary wasn't in yesterday and some guy named Chris showed us the tricks. Chris doesn't have the same "showmanship" as Gary. Chris seemed hungover and out of it.

But Jamie's happy and tonight when we go out, he's going to try and scam people with his tricks into buying him drinks.

I'll let ya know how it goes.

Went to lunch with my Vet/President of the Cancer Society to talk about my Biggest Rat in Town participation.

I think I have a chance at winning this thing.

We're going to get some autographed footballs from the coaches of the University of Alabama and Auburn University and raffle those off.

This is a big deal, because in Alabama, college football is the end all/be all of discussions. When you move here, you have to pick a school and STAY WITH IT. People will ask about your football preference before they ask anything else about you. It's strange, but that's Alabama for ya.

I'm also working to get a cruise donated to my cause to raffle off. I've got calls in to some travel agencies and am going to trade them some advertising for a cruise.

And ... I REALLY want to do what they call "Hit" Night.

That's when I get 6-10 people dressed up in 1920s gangster clothing and we go to local restaurants on a Friday night and "hold up" the restaurants. We go from table to table with big bags and force people to hand over money or checks for the American Cancer Society.

The management knows ahead of time that we're coming and since everybody has been affected by cancer in one way or another, most everyone's willing to give at least a buck or two in these situations.

A guy did this a few years ago and raised $4,000 in two hours.

Easy money in my book.

Plus...when customers see 6 people in all black with masks come in, they freak out and think they're about to die. When they realize they're not going to die, they're more than happy to cough up some bucks.

Annnnd we're talking about holding car washes, barbecues, sock hops, and concerts with local bands.

So I think I stand a good chance.

As always...I'll keep you informed.

Took Andy for his first set of professional pictures last night.

They should turn out GREAT.

It took 90 minutes, but we got about 15 decent smiles out of him for the pics.

Of course, it was up to me to get him to smile. So I'm laying on the floor right in front of him, acting as goofy as possible and singing "99 Bottles of Beer On The Wall" which is his new favorite song.

It'll take about two weeks before we get the pics back and I get them scanned on his website.

But I'm tellin' ya, as one proud papa ... these pics are gonna knock yer socks off.

So tonight's the night the boys and I head down to the Brew Pub to listen to Mattie Gee's band, The Spicolis.

I'm looking forward to it. Recently divorced Will is going. Jamie the Magician is going. Eddie the Stud is going. I'm going. Jill from work MAY be going. New Boy from work may be going (I STILL haven't committed his name to memory). I wrote in my newspaper column yesterday that if people come out to the show, track me down and tell me how great I am, I'll buy them a mug of beer.

Heh. I write this stuff all the time. Nobody has ever taken me up on it.

Well...one guy did, years ago. But he was really strange and drunk and I just said "Okay...here's your beer" and ignored him after that until he walked away.

Strange drunk people frighten me.

Regular drunk people don't bother me in the least.

I'm extremely prejudiced when it comes to drunks. The ones that stare at you like they want to kill you for no apparent reason ... those are the ones I tend to chuckle nervously and run away from.

Taped "Survivor" last night and watched that.

OH...BEFORE I FORGET...Icebear...I have one tape that I tape EVERYTHING on, so I don't have any old episodes of "The Mole" on tape. My apologies for not getting back to you any earlier than this on the subject.

Anyway..."Survivor" ... anybody really shocked that Kimmi's gone??

The first episode, I thought she was kinda hot.

Then she got annoying.

Then...last night we find out she hadn't bathed in over two weeks and that she didn't have tan lines, she had dirt lines.

Then my tummy turned that I ever thought the nappy 'ho was attractive.

Ah well. I can still lust from afar over Elizabeth. And I'll keep hoping she doesn't win that million bucks, because if she was a millionaire, I doubt she'd ever return my feelings, but as a normal gal, she'd probably give me the time of day.

Key word? "Probably".

I'm dreaming here.

That's it from here. I'm one tired sonofagun. I'm going to go stretch out on the couch and try to rest my eyes before Grandma gets here to take care of Andy.

Peace out, dude.

MP3 DOWNLOAD OF THE DAY

STRAY CATS: "How Long You Wanna Live Anyway?"

This song rocks my socks. I recently found it on Napster after years of wanting to hear it one more time. It's a perfect song to listen to in the car with the wind blowing through your hair and pounding on the steering wheel. It ain't heavy metal, but it's gut-churning rock and roll that sounds straight out of the 50s with an 80s beat. DOWNLOAD IT NOW!!