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5:46 a.m. - 2001-08-02

THE PARTY ANIMAL LURKS QUIETLY IN THE SHADOWS

Man oh man...

My eyes are so weak and sensitive this morning. They feel like Richard Simmons...you know...being weak and sensitive and all...

It's taken me close to 30 minutes to just focus on looking at the computer monitor without my eyes watering.

I think something's wrong with my eyes.

As always...I'll keep you posted on any further details.


Yesterday I finally pinned down the President and CEO of my work for an interview so as to write a profile of the company.

I learned a ton from that interview about the company.

Did you know we make maps?

I didn't think you'd know that.

Did you know that we've published books for the CIA, including a cookbook that was in the top five at Amazon.com for quite some time?

Nope. You sure didn't know that.

Did you know that we're running a drug ring and just using the publishing stuff as a cover for a major drug cartel?

I didn't either. But toward the end of the interview when I said "Is there anything the company does that you haven't told me about?" The CEO let that one fly.

That's when I knew the interview was over.

As we were getting up from the conference table, the President said "You know Uncle Bob ... after reading your column for several years, I thought when we hired you, you were going to come in here and be a party animal."

I laughed and told him "Not yet."

Y'see...I've learned that when I start a new job, it's best for me to be quiet and polite and let everyone think "What a quiet and polite guy".

Then slooooowly I start to let a little Uncle Bob out. It's like farting in front of a new boyfriend/girlfriend. At first you just let little squeaks out. After six months to a year, you're blowing them out like a pregnant moose. But by that point, there's no turning back...you've either got Uncle Bob-Party Animal on your hands or a pregnant farting moose.

Which...could almost be mistaken as one and the same.

Anyway...the president's looking forward to my "party animal-ness". He was actually a big fan of mine while I wrote for the newspaper and is genuinely excited that I'm on board. Like I bring some actual credence to the company.

Yeah right.


My eyes are feeling better now.

Oh. And the ingrown hair in my nostril is gone too.

Just in case you were wondering.


I got a real estate book yesterday...a big thick one full of homes for sale.

This is better than porn to me.

I have fallen head over heels in love with looking at homes for sale. If it's possible to be obsessed with them, then I'm all John Hinckley when it comes to real estate books.

I go through the books, seeking houses within our price range. And I'm always pleasantly surprised to find these houses because they all just sound awesome.

Then last night, I ran across a picture of a house that just looked like the type of house that crackheads would turn down as a crack house because it was too "creepy".

And the damned ad made THAT house sound like a palace.

"Lots of space! Two bedroom one bath home needs fixing up (i.e. bulldozed), but is a charmer and a wonderful starter home for some lucky couple!"

See? That sounds nice. Then they show the house and it's got gang members standing outside with bandannas wrapped around their heads and crap.

So maybe all these houses in our price range that "sound" nice aren't as nice as they sound.

It's the crazy world of real estate,baby.

That's one wacky world.


I'm losing it...aren't I?


Gave Andy a bath last night.

It's been a while since the kid showered us with pee while in the bathtub.

Last night, he let fly a jet stream of pee that hit me in the left cheek and came dangerously close to my mouth.

It's bad enough the kid likes to French me in public.

Now he's trying to pee in my mouth.

I guess Susie could take pictures of he and I together and we could start some kinky website.

Something tells me that even the most deprived perverts would shun that one.


Went to my new favorite Mexican restaurant last night.

A year ago, you couldn't have DRAGGED me into a Mexican restaurant. Anytime I went out to eat with people and they said "What are you in the mood for?" my response was always the same..."Anything but Mexican."

Now, I CRAVE Mexican food. To be more specific...I crave FAJITAS.

That's usually what I order, because there's no cheese on fajitas and you know those wily Mexicans...they're always looking to pour cheese on everything.

"Are these your shoes, Senor? Would you like cheese on them?"

"Two glasses of water...would you like cheese on those?"

"Would you like to try our new creamy cheesy margarita?"

Those are exact quotes from our waiter last night.

What???

You think I'm LYING??

Look Mister...I'll give you WHAT FOR if you call me a liar again.

...How do you give someone "what for"? What the hell is "what for"?

The world may never know.


This entry has been about as exciting and coherant as a New York city road map.

I'm going to go get ready to take Andrew the Amazing Pee Boy to daycare.

Going to lunch at a new restaurant today.

Will have details later.

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