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5:20 a.m. - 2001-04-16

THE PARENT TRAP

Lemme tell ya something ... a sick kid on Easter is NO FUN.

Poor Andy ... my God. I KNOW every parent goes through it ... but this HAS to be the toughest part of parenthood.

Andy has been crying steadily since Saturday.

Yes. Saturday.

His head has been SCORCHING hot, with fevers getting as high as 104 degrees.

When it hit 104 yesterday, we finally called the doctor. We had been alternating Tylenol with Motrin every two hours like we were told to do and that wasn't working.

He was burning up. Sweating. Babies don't sweat, and this kid was sweating buckets.

The doctor met us at his office last night ... Easter night... and proclaimed that Andy had once again gotten another ear infection, just five days after he was given a clean ear of health.

This ear infection sucks. The first two we hardly noticed. The doctor had to point them out because Andy was happy-go-lucky...the perfect baby.

Right now...5:20 a.m., he's out there in the den in his mother's arms, just moaning.

We've gotten used to it by now. His moaning. He's got ear drops with novocaine in them to numb his ears.

And he's STILL in pain.

Whenever I hold him, he hugs me TIGHT and just cries. Something he's never done.

It breaks my heart.

But we've done all we can for him and the doctor said that by tonight his fever should be gone and his ear should start feeling better.

Just now his temp was 103, but it's higher in the morning anyway.

He just stopped moaning and is trying to sleep now.

I love my son so much.

Which would explain why I just wanna cry along with him.


Alright.

Enough about the only thing I've been doing the last 48 hours.

There's actually more.

Took Andy for an Easter Egg hunt on Saturday, which wasn't exactly smart. It was a little windy, but temps were very warm. That probably didn't do his ear any good.

Yes. We're BOTH beating ourselves up for doing that.

By 1, Andy started getting fussy, and the rest of the day is a blur. We went to our church's first baptism Saturday night ... yet another stupid thing to take Andy to.

I went to my buddy Gary's Magic Shop on Saturday afternoon. I always like going down there, because Gary shows me his latest magic tricks that he gets in.

Gary and I did stand-up comedy together back in the mid-80s. We started off doing amateur spots until I became a professional and Gary went into professional magic.

Then my comedy candle flickered and was extinguished. Gary still has his magic shop.

Gary was showing me these "Fart In A Jar" things he had gotten in. You've probably seen them. It's a little plastic cup with some kinda goop in them. You force the goop into the plastic cup and it makes authentic fart sounds.

He charges $4.95 for this crap.

I said that was a high price to pay for "Fart in a Jar" and he disagreed saying "Watch the other customer's faces when I do it."

He pulled the goop out, put it back in and the sounds began.

Pretty authentic if I say so myself.

Customers lifted their heads and looked around the store at each other. One teenage girl made a disgusted look on her face.

Gary and I snickered like little 7-year-olds.

One girl and her boyfriend came running out of another room with the girl saying she HAD to have whatever that was.

Gary handed her the jar and she handed him a five spot.

Talk about your suggestive selling. Make a few fart sounds and watch the money flow in like elephant diarrhea in a port-a-potty.


Andy's crying again.

My heart is breaking. But Mama's trying to calm him down.


Yesterday, I went to church by myself, which is still blowing the minds of the congregation, since I'm the one who resisted church for so long and now I leave the family at home to attend by my lonesome.

I sat with the preacher's wife. I found out quickly that she isn't as catty as Susie.

There's this woman in our church who's a really sweet woman ... but she's the poster child for low self esteem. When she walks, her shoulders are all hunched up and her head's down and she just looks like a puppy about to be whipped.

Yesterday was the first time I've ever seen this woman STRUT. She was walking like a Forbes 500 business owner, full of vim and vigor. Her head was held high and I woulda sworn it wasn't her.

"Boy...Cheryl sure is strutting today," I whispered to the preacher's wife.

She just looked at me.

Susie woulda giggled.

*sigh*


Today's a busy day for me.

I've gotta drop by a spa first thing in the morning and see about getting a day at the spa to auction off on Sunday.

I've gotta do four days of work towards the newspaper, since I've totally neglected it since last Tuesday.

I've got a press conference at 1:30 that will FINALLY give the complete entertainment schedule for this year's annual music festival in the streets that takes place next month. So far, Kenny Rogers and KC and the Sunshine Band are the two biggest names.

Well...if yer into country there's some big names...Travis Tritt's one.

I'm not into country though. Hopefully today there'll be some big names announced, but right now it looks like this is the first festival that I plan on skipping in ten years.

If they bring Alice Cooper, Counting Crows or Elvis Costello, I'll go.

Other than that, I'm taking a long vacation that weekend.

Then at 2:00 or so, I've got to drop by Toys 'R' Us and beg the manager to give me something for the silent auction.

Then...I come home and write three stories and a humor column when I don't really feel like being funny, as you've probably already noticed.

Andy's crying again. It's like every ten minutes in his sleep.

This kid NEVER cries. Which is why this weekend has been such a heartbreaker.

Kids are wonderful. Don't get me wrong. They're the biggest joy you'll ever experience in your life.

But when they're sick and you're powerless to help them ... man... it's tough.


Sorry this entry has been such a bummer.

It happens sometimes.

Now if you'll excuse me ... I've got a wife to relieve and a crying baby to soothe.

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