UNCLE BOB--THE ONLY DIARY WITH A PECULIAR WHITE POWDER INSIDE

Urp.

Just got back from lunch...boy are my jaws tired.

Had a BIIIIG salad at the same restaurant that I ate at a few weeks ago where I had avacado for the first time and HATED it.

Remember??

So anyway...had the same salad again...THIS TIME I LOOOOOOVED the avocado!

I know! I know!

GO FIGURE!!!

Musta had a bad one last time...that's all I can think of. Because this time I couldn't get enough of that little green veggie!

I liked it so much I ...and I'm ashamed to admit this...but I fondled the avocado seductively.

That's right. I pulled the slice out of my salad and ran my fingers up and down it for a minute. Then I wrapped my hand around it and began pumping the avocado...slow at first...and then faster...faster...FASTER...

...Of course, I was left with a handful of mush and a tableful of people staring at me like I had just ripped my shirt open and began twisting the nips.

C'mon people...it's just an avocado slice. It isn't anything worth getting worked up over.

I jacked my avocado off.

What's the big deal?

Hey...if you're like me and find yourself in a shirt covered in hot candle wax, ice cubes do the trick of removing the stain.

This morning, I had a phone interview so I went through my ritual...soft lighting, door closed, candle burning.

When I finished the interview I opened my door but forgot to blow out my candle.

My boy Sneezy began wheezing as soon as the fragrant vanilla scent hit his doorway across the hall.

His coughing and wheezing was my cue to blow the candle out.

I picked the candle up, turned it to where I could blow it out and blew it out.

Well, APPARENTLY, I inadvertently poured hot candle wax all over my shirt but didn't realize it.

Not until it had dried and hardened on my shirt, leaving a thick white stain on my belly.

It looked like I had spunked all over my shirt.

And naturally, I didn't find this out until it was time to go to lunch with six other people.

So I'm running to meet everyone, furiously scratching candle wax off my shirt with my fingernails.

"I uhhhhh...I spilled candle wax on my shirt," I explained to people who didn't request an explanation.

I'm sure this catapulted me out of the "Weird New Guy" category straight into the "Weird and DANGEROUS New Guy" ring.

Go me.

I had my final trip to the heart doctor this morning to have more dye injected into my wrist and then get some snapshots of the old ticker.

It went well. I got there, they jammed a needle longer than my arm into my arm, I screamed in pain, they yanked it out and wrapped a bath towel around my arm to stop the bleeding. I was then told I could go to breakfast and come back in an hour. So I went to my favorite bagel place that I'm no longer allowed to eat at because all of their bagels have enough carbohydrates in them to kill a man.

All but one.

The multi-grain bagel. 50 grams of carbohydratess. I can work with that.

So I had a multi-grain bagel with a small amount of ham on it.

Then...ummmm...I had another multi-grain bagel.

Because ....ummmm...I was hungry. Yeah. Hungry. I was famished. STARRRRVING.

So I had one carb too many at breakfast...none at lunch.

Can you say it with me?

Go me.

So then I went back to the hospital and they rolled me into the giant electric coffin of death.

It wasn't a problem today. I knew what to expect and knew that I'd live. So I just whistled away as she pushed me into the thing.

I should know in less than a week that there's nothing wrong with my heart.

The font is back to the normal size.

Two complaints were two too many.

I'll admit...I thought it looked pretty crappy as well. But keep in mind...I'm no graphic designer. I was just trying to fill up dead space.

Keep that in mind.

Seriously.

If I say "Hey dude, what's on your mind?" without ANY hesitation, I want you to reply "UNCLE BOB'S NO GRAPHIC DESIGNER!!"

Get it?

Got it??

Good.

Alright, I've got work to do. Real work. Stuff I actually get paid to write.

So I'm outta here.

I MAY not be here tomorrow, as I have to find time to write my "Ed" recap for MBTV and Saturday morning looks like my target time.

I MAY still update this at one point or another.

Maybe not.

It's a 50-50 chance.

Deal with it.