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6:34 a.m. - 2001-04-11

UNCLE BOB'S AMAZING PENIS TRICKS

I had the BEST orgasm last night.

It came (no pun intended) in three waves. The first wave was kinda anti-climactic(once again...no pun intended)...it was just there, signaling fun time was almost over.

The second wave took me by surprise. It was like "BAM!! WE AIN'T DONE YET!!"

I dug the second wave.

The third wave was like "HOLY SHIT!! THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!! IS THIS SHIT EVER GONNA STOP?!?"

I was totally spent afterwards. I'd never had a multiple orgasm that lasted almost a minute and produced so much baby juice.

...I just wish my wife woulda been around to be a part of it...


I just woke up 20 minutes ago from a strange dream.

And whenever I have a strange dream...by God...you're the first person to read about it.

I dreamt I went to a Mighty Big TV gathering for all the writers there.

It was kinda neat meeting everyone else who writes the stuff there.

Anyway ... Wing Chuntakes about eight of us into a room and says we're going to have a contest.

Cool. I'm all up for contests when I'm dead asleep and dreaming.

Winger says that we can either enter a contest where we eat whatever she puts in front of us ... or we can strip down to our underwear and dance and automatically get $300.

One girl got up, stripped down to her bra and panties and started dancing.

A guy got up stripped down to a speedo-looking thing and started dancing with her.

Did I mention all the other writers looked like models? Well, they did.

So everyone gets up and dances around in their undies, having a great time.

Then one girl strips totally naked. Ahhh...the dream party just got better.

Finally, everyone's looking at me and wondering if I'm going to join in. So I get up, take my t-shirt and boxers off (it's what I wore to bed), and started dancing with everyone else.

Then, for some reason, it was me and what I thought was a girl, sitting on a couch where everyone could judge our nakedness to see who would get the grand prize ...$1,500.

The person next to me had a woman's face, breasts, body...and a penis.

I reached down and started pulling on my penis and it suddenly became elastic.

It felt like I had a jump rope in my hands.

I could toss my penis over my shoulder. I could bang the head on my knee. I even remember wrapping it around my right side and holding it in place with my arm.

It was HUGE. Not erect. Just HUGE.

And EVERYONE was impressed. They kept calling me a cheater because I had stretched my penis, but like I told them...PLAY TO WIN.

And WIN I did. Wing Chun gave me $1,500 and told me to put my penis away before I hurt someone with it.

I put my clothes back on and sat down with the rest of the models.

And from that point ... they KNEW who Uncle Bob was.

He was the most popular bastard in the room.

Then I woke up. Stumbled to the fridge, got a Coke, sat down here at the computer, reached down to make sure my penis was still its normal size and cranked out this entry.


God...yesterday was a freakin' nightmare.

Apparently, Monday night some employees stayed around after hours to get caught up on their work and royally fucked up my computer. They lost about 100 fonts on it, screwed up my scanner and somehow managed to lose some software that I need each day to work with.

I got to work EARLY yesterday to get my own work done and came in to this crap.

I'm not a technical wizard when it comes to computers. When something goes wrong on my computer, I just wave my arms frantically and go "EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!", hoping that will make everything better.

It didn't.

New Boy, Cat Killer, Sneezy ... whatever you want to call him...came in and fixed a few of the problems.

But then, because the computer screwed up Monday night while the idiots who don't know how to work on a computer were working on it ... their work had to be redone on my computer.

i.e. A shitload of scanning had to take place.

90 minutes worth. Making me 90 minutes behind schedule.

Then...New Boy's scanner fries. So I have to scan all the pictures for the newspaper on my scanner.

Another hour behind. I'm now 2.5 hours behind.

THEN...my computer just dies. DIES. It won't open any documents, it won't do ANYTHING.

I waved my arms frantically and went "EHHHHHHHHHH!!"

A FEW documents opened after my tantrum. Enough to where I could get back to work.

Luckily ... the lady who had screwed everything up on Monday night KNEW that it was because of her that I was now three hours behind my self-imposed schedule and pitched in to help me out.

So I got out of there about an hour past my usual leave time.

So I'm happy.

Look.

I'm smiling.

See?

I'm happy.

Now don't ever fuck up my computer again or you're dead meat.


I found out last night that one of my competitors in the Biggest Rat in Town contest is dating one of her co-workers who WAS married, but has now asked for a divorce from his wife to continue seeing this woman that I'm running against.

Oh. And they're BOTH local TV anchors. My competitor and her new boyfriend, that is.

That means ... I have one competitor who's a homewrecker, one of my competitors is HIV positive and one of them had an affair on his wife that was accidently broadcast over a two-way radio.

Me?

I'm little Mr. Perfect. If I decided to come forward with these revelations and make them public knowledge, it would make my chances of winning this bitch a helluva lot easier.

But that's not my style.

Well...it is.

But I'd look like a pretty big asshole running a smear campaign in a contest where everyone's competing and raising money for a good cause.

Wouldn't I?


I didn't eat dinner last night and now I'm starving.

And Susie needs me to get Andy dressed.

So I'm callin' it a morning.

Rawk on wi' cha bad se'fs. Have a great day.

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