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12:01 p.m. - 2001-08-24

CONNIE CHUNG'S NEXT INTERVIEW...FRED THE RETIRED PRODUCE GUY FROM PIGGLY WIGGLY

Alright...

Yesterday I raised holy hell about a guy that I had arranged an interview with who stood me up for our interview time and never returned my call all day.

I think I called him something like "Mr. Big Shot Doesn't Have To Call Peons Back Guy" or something like that. If I didn't call him that, I wanted to.

So today, I decided that I would call him again and see if he wants to do it today.

He's in Ohio.

That's a mid-sized state in the midwest for those of you who were miserable at geography.

Before I call, I happen to look at a map of America that is broken up into time zones.

Are you ready for this?

Ohio is in the EASTERN time zone. I live in the CENTRAL time zone.

I thought Ohio was in the (say it with me) CENTRAL time zone when it isn't.

Ha!

That explains everything! I called him ... an...hour....late....yesterday.

Aw hell.

...Ahem....

...So no wonder he wasn't at his desk when I called.

Oops!

Silly me.

So I called him this morning and apologized profusely. I must have come off as some ignorant idiot for not checking my time zones when I make appointments with people in other states.

He was very nice about it and thought something had happened to me.

Yeah...something happened alright...Mama dropped me on my head when I was a baby.

So we rescheduled the interview for Monday.

10 a.m. his time.

9 a.m. mine.

This time...I'll be on time.


Soooo...anybody watch Gary Condit and Connie Chung last night?

I didn't watch it because I pretty much KNEW how it would go.

Twenty million people tuned in...but what in the world were they expecting him to say?

CONNIE: "Did you kill Chandra Levy?"

GARY: "Yep."

CONNIE: (frazzled) "Ohmigod! How??"

GARY: "I sexed her to death."

CONNIE: "Ohmigod! I can't believe you're admitting this to me! You DO know...those ARE TV cameras pointed at you."

GARY: "Yep. I'm tired of hiding the truth, Connie. I sexed Chandra Levy to death and then I dumped her body in a lake."

CONNIE: "This is incredible! This is going to make me a huge star! This is..."

GARY: "PSYCHE!!! BUAHAHAHAHAHA!! Had ya goin' there, didn't I, Connie??"

Sorry, but anybody that thought there were going to be some huge revelations during that interview needs their heads examined. You could probably get the list of 11 secret herbs and spices out of the corpse of Colonel Sanders easier than you could get the truth out of Gary Condit.

I will admit to reading the transcript from the interview this morning which basically cemented my suspicions that not a damned thing was going to come from this interview.

I was watching the Today Show this morning and apparently Gary Condit is one of the most despised men in the world right now. Like ... 98 percent of Americans think he's the Antichrist or something like that. If an election for congressman were held tomorrow, more people would vote for Ronald Reagan than Gary Condit.

Guys like Gary keep me from straying from Mrs. Uncle Bob. Sexing up strange women only leads married guys to trouble.

Then again...it's not like strange women are lining up outside my back door waiting for their chance to try and sway me from this decision. I'm pretty sure the main reason I don't stray from the Mrs. is because nobody's foolish enough to have me.


This morning I was reminded of my most favorite television appearance that I ever made.

There was this local morning talk show that ran for a while with two real goobers hosting it a few years back. I interviewed one of the goobers for a newspaper profile story and she asked me to be a guest on her show and talk about the newspaper.

I said sure.

But I wanted to bring Wendigo with me on TV. I just thought I'd be more comfortable with her by my side since she was my boss at the time and could do a better job of answering any tough questions.

As it turns out...the show was an hour long and we were going to be the only guests on the show...for the entire hour.

And it was a call-in show.

Lemme tell you something...rednecks LOVE call-in shows. Maybe it's because call-in shows are about the only place that they can voice their stupid opinions on stuff and actually have people pretend to listen to them.

Wendi and I took Edweird along with us because he had never seen a TV show being filmed before. He was going to sit off camera and just watch for an hour.

The show started. The two hosts did their usual insane blathering back and forth and then they introduced us to their television viewing audience.

With Wendi by my side, I was relaxed and cocky.

Some redneck called in and said it was her birthday and I suggested we sang "Happy Birthday" to her. Nobody wanted to, so ... in a tight closeup...I crooned the song to her on television as stupidly seductive as I possibly could.

I then decided that Wendi and I could help people with their problems. We could spend the hour solving people's dilemmas.

Some redneck woman called in and said that her adult daughter needed a man. I pretended to give a crap about this woman's daughter, who the two hosts actually knew. The female host said that this adult daughter could cook really well. The mama was wondering if I was single and I told her no...but Edweird was.

The camera panned over to Edweird who...well...Eddie's a bit shy. At the time, he was painfully shy and had no intentions of actually appearing on camera. So when the camera was on him, Eddie burrowed down into the sofa that he was sitting on and just looked mortified that a camera was in his face.

By this point in the show, I was stir crazy and wanted to shake things up a bit. So we went to commercial with the PROMISE that Edweird was going to be on camera when we came back.

We begged Eddie to come over on the set with us and finish the show out with us. After begging, pleading and cajoling, he agreed to sit next to Wendi and be on the show.

So then...it turned into a Dating Game for Eddie. It was determined on air that he was single and looking.

The phone lines lit up with potential suitors for the Edweird Machine.

...All of them dyed in the wool rednecks with about 11 teeth between them.

The hosts tried to interview Eddie who was beyond embarrassmsnet by this point. His one word answers were extremely comical.

HOST: "So ... you're single?"

EDWEIRD: "Yep."

HOST: "What do you look for in a woman?"

EDWEIRD: "I dunno."

HOST: "Do you like a woman that can cook?"

EDWEIRD: "Yeah."

That went on for a while.

I was having a blast at this point, because the show was quickly turning into a train wreck. We were either the three best or worst guests they had ever had on the show, depending on what you consider good television. We probably talked about the newspaper for 5 minutes and spent the rest of the time singing, pissing people off or acting like fools.

...We never did get asked to come back on the show.

Maybe they thought we sucked.

But I'm tellin' ya...that was a great time.

I've gotta find the video of that show. THAT is the one show that I've done that I could watch without cringing.

...Mainly because everyone else was cringing enough.


Alright...lunch break is over...time to get back to waiting on the phone to ring.

Yes...I could technically still keep typing and wait for the phone to ring at the same time.

But I've run out of stories.

As if THAT wasn't obvious enough about 1,200 words ago.

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