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5:25 a.m. - 2001-05-30

OL' PINK EYE IS BACK

Soooo...I didn't go to work yesterday which was covered in yesterday's entry and is old news today.

Still ... I just feel so weird about it. It's basically my job to put the entire paper together ... to decide what goes where, what stories run and what stories don't ... who gets their pictures in color and who gets theirs in black and white ...

I mean ... that's a lot of responsibility...oui? It just doesn't sound like it.

Anyway ... the office called me four times yesterday at home, wanting to know this and that ... what do you do when one of the correspondents hasn't shown up with their story yet (call them and tell them to get their ass in gear) ... is there an easy way to make everyone's name bold in a story (nope)...etc.

I'm really dying to see what the paper looks like this week. And I damned well better hear at least ONE PERSON say that I was sorely missed or to never take a Tuesday off again or something.

I wanna be missed, dammit.

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK??

...Probably so...


So ... what'd I do on my day off?

Wheeeeeel...I rented a couple of flicks ...

Rented "The Kings of Comedy". The one with D.L. Hughley, Bernie Mac, Steve Harvey and Cedric the Entertainer.

It's a Spike Lee Joint, don't ya know?

I didn't think it was all that funny, really. A few parts were amusing. At one point, D.L. rips on some people in the audience including one guy who has some pretty big buck teeth. He says that when the guy goes down on his woman, he probably gives her a hysterectomy. I spat my water out at that one.

The thing that got me ... and yeah ... I'm a bitter old fuck ... is that three of the four guys started in stand-up AFTER I did. I started doing stand-up in 1985 doing amateur nights until I was hired as an opening act by the Punch Line. I took the act "on the road" (i.e. no more than two hours from my home) and finally decided that I would rather stay in town with my new honey (now my old wife) rather than go out on the road doing comedy.

Now then...

Had I stayed out on the road, doing comedy, something I had an actual PASSION for ... maybe IIIII would be a King of Comedy.

You know... a white King. I doubt seriously Spike would want to put me in his movies.

Anyway ... you take what cards are dealt to you. To me...stand up comedy was soooo easy that in the back of my mind I thought ... "there's no way I'll ever make good money at this ... there's no work involved."

But it just came naturally to me. Yep ... I was naturally funny.

Now I'm just naturally annoying.

Anyway ... I watched the film and thought about what woulda been had I not met Susie, enjoyed the sex and went back out on the road and busted my ass in the world of comedy.

I'd probably be a broke assed mofo right now.

Or...I may have had my own sitcom by now. I think every comedian on the circuit back when I was doing it has had their own sitcom.

Sorry for the rambling.

It must be the pink eye talking.


Then...last night we began to watch "Traffic".

I dunno...if a third of the movie hadn't been in Spanish, I may have enjoyed the parts I was able to watch. Because the parts in English were alright.

And I can't BELIEVE this thing won Soderburgh the Oscar for best directing. This thing's harder to watch than an HBO N'Sync concert.

The entire Mexican portion of the movie is shot in sepia tone which just pisses me off. Every time the movie jaunted to Mexico, I threw shoes at my television. I then had the wife pick up the pile of shoes accumulating at the bottom of the TV screen and bring them back to me so I could start the process all over again because a ton of the movie is in Spanish.

We watched the first hour when I noticed that Susie was Snoozy and I was right behind her.

So ... I still have to watch the rest of it, but lemme tell ya ... the Spanish parts suck because the subtitles end up being white letters on near-white backgrounds and ... and ... and they just suck, that's all.

Yep.

Suckaroo.

(Uncle Bob folds his arms across his chest and dares anyone who doesn't speak Spanish fluently to disagree with him)


Barcode 1 has come up with a novel idea for everyone to get more hits on their sites.

If you haven't noticed, Google seems to be the search engine preferred for nine out of ten perverts who use the web. If you've ever written phrases like "Hot women" or "unruly teens" more than likely, your ass has been googlized by some of the biggest pervs in the business.

So Barcode has decided that if he uses a filthy phrase on his site each day, his hits will skyrocket.

Good point, Bar.

I'm going to give it a try here ... just to test the waters. For those of you under the age of 18 and over the age of 40, please turn your heads now.

Ahem.

"Filthy Titty Fuckers"

Alright.

Let the hits start rolling in.


When I went to Blockbuster yesterday, I hadn't showered and I looked like crap courtesy of the eye that just won't heal ... so I wore a baseball cap and mirrored shades into the building and never took them off.

I felt so unibombery.

I stalked up and down the new release wall, taking my time and staring at small children to see if I could make them cry with my scary "won't take his sunglasses off while inside" look.

Didn't work. The only small child in the store was a baby who just cooed at me.

Back off, cooing baby. I'm dangerous. I wear sunglasses inside to hide my mystique.

Well...to hide my pink eye.

Same difference.


Man ... I wrote (for me) a nasty little column yesterday badmouthing our local music fest that is now history over it's lousy lineup.

I feel bad now, because I have a good working relationship with the festival, and plus they gave me four VIP passes worth $800 for my silent auction and I STILL slammed them.

In the column, I bragged how if they would JUST ASK ME, I had several dozen names that could make the thing a success for next year.

Naturally, I had about three names ... not several dozen.

So yesterday, I sat down and came up with about a hundred acts that are either A) Hasbeens or B) Up and Comers or C) One Hit Wonders that would still draw people to the festival.

Hootie and the Blowfish??

Blues Traveller?

Duran Duran??

I wouldn't want to see any of them. But they're still name bands that may draw crowds.

James Brown??

I think he could draw a HUGE crowd in my town.

Prince??

C'mon ... if Prince still thinks his shit don't stink, he's in for a rude awakening. The guy releases all his music off an internet site now. He can't even GET a decent record deal. Plus, he was going to come to one of our local colleges a few years back and cancelled at the last minute. He OWES us.

The trouble is ... the committee has about $500,000 to spend on bands. And there's roughly 60 bands playing. Now...most of the local bands don't get paid a dime, and they're the ones who play during the day. So they really only have to pay about 20 bands. That's about $25,000 apiece. Some bands are suckier than others ... a lot of the folk music bands like the Kingston Trio have no business asking for 25 grand to show up and play in front of a hundred old geezers who don't want to rub elbows with pierced tongue teens watching Better Than Ezra.

Anyway, I now have a big list that I'm kinda proud of. It's a music fest dream list, it is.

Yep.

That's what it is alright.


I'm so glad that summer's here.

Actually, I'm glad it's rerun season on TV.

Actually actually, I'm glad that "Ed"s in reruns.

I love writing the recaps for Mighty Big TV ... but man...it's actually kinda stressful. I have to fit it into my schedule, etc.

That's stress, baybee.

I'll be doing it again come fall. I guess I'm just glad I'll have a few months off from doing it and now I can just watch the show and enjoy it without just listening to it and scribbling my notes.

Yep.

Color me happy.


Alrighty then...an hour later...an hour of playing with Baby Andy from a safe distance and the house is now mine.

I feel like I should go to work today, but Wednesday is the absolute slowest day of the week for us, my eye still hasn't cleared up and I don't want to infect anyone else.

Should I stay home?

I've only been in the office 2.5 hours in the last week.

Guilt is eating away at me.

I'm staying home.

Doctor's orders.

Okay...IF I were a doctor, I'd order me to stay home.

And that's good enough for me.

It's time to go ahead and send this baby in...I have nothing more to ramble about.

Gawd.

I've really gotten boring lately. I need to do something today to write about tomorrow.

That's my goal.

To do something interesting today.

I'm off to see what I can get myself into...

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